The Girl Who Gets The Guy

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He is the king of mixed signals and she is the queen of getting her hopes up.

One day I want to be the girl who actually gets the guy. Being a hopeless romantic is engrained inside of me, but I don’t know why. I love to read sappy love stories, watch romantic comedies and dramas, and listen as people talk about their personal experiences with relationships. Although I do have a growing sense of cynicism, I can’t shake that feeling I get when I read or watch something about love. It is just something that I will always long for no matter what.

Being the best friend, the sweet co-worker, and the one with an ear always willing to listen is my specialty. I have perfected being the girl who is dependable and friendly that everyone smiles at and is nice to (for the most part). But part of me doesn’t want to always be that girl. Part of me wants to be that mysterious, elusive girl that everyone wants to get to know. Part of me wants to be that overzealous, party girl who everyone wants to hang out with.

I have never been the prettiest, the smartest, the talented, or the popular, so I have a bit of skepticism and realism on my side when it comes to wanting someone to pick me, because, quite frankly, I have never been that girl. But it is such a hindrance having that hopeless romantic inside of me who melts when a guy spends time with me, talks to me, or does something chivalrous for no reason. I have to tell that romantic inside of me to hush, because I can’t develop feelings for him and think he is doing these things for me, because he likes me, but more because I am nice and that is what he is supposed to do.

It may be strange or pathetic, but not developing crushes is difficult for me. I have always been that girl who has a crush on someone. Whether I voice it out loud or keep it a secret, it is always there. But this can be a negative thing as well, because when the feelings are never reciprocated it just brings my self-confidence and self-love to a lower notch. I just keep wondering to myself why I am not good enough for any of the guys that treat me right, are nice to me, and I think are cute.

I keep waiting for that moment when I finally spark interest in someone or when the guy I am crushing on finally wakes up and decides I am worth it, but sometimes that moment seems so far away or like it is never going to happen. But that oh so hopeless romantic inside of me won’t allow me to lose hope.

❤ a girl

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Those ‘Where Have You Been My Whole Life’ Friends

friendship 3You know how you have those friends that you meet, maybe at work or in class, that you don’t know really well and then one day you just get to talking and realize you are practically the same person and from there the rest is history?

Well that happened to me today. I started working at my college bookstore back in August and I met so many people, because we were all hired on for the rush season. Then most of us lose our jobs and hired back as seasonal, but I, and a few others, got to stay. It was great, because I needed a job, but I was never really close with any of them.

Last week I was folding shirts with this girl who I have known since I started and she said that she needed my number, because we were going to hang out soon. I gave it to her, because quite frankly I need all the friends I can get. Nothing came of it until today, we were working together again in Merchandise and we just got to talking and we had so much in common in regards to relationships and faith.

We talked for hours as we prepped for inventory and I just got to know her so much better. One conversation just led to another. We have plans to hang out next week and I am so excited. It isn’t very often that you find someone that is like you, so much so that they understand what you are going through and can actually help you work through it.

Sometimes I can feel so alone and secluded with the issues that I deal with relationship and faith wise, so just knowing someone else is out there who has been there and is willing to listen just makes me want to smile and never stop. Feeling like someone understands you is the best feeling ever!

❤ a girl

Pay Attention

This is an incredible piece of writing. I am normally not a fan of poetry, but this really spoke volumes to me. I hope you are moved by Krys’ words like I was.

Quiet

If you really knew
Would you change your mind?
Would you walk away or make the time?
Get to know someone
Don’t push them away
Don’t ignore them
Especially based on another’s say
You could be the one to brighten their day
Many are just looking for you to listen
Please wake up and pay attention.

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Too Close Too Quick?

cuddling 1I was talking on the phone earlier with Ketchup, one of my best friends who lives in a different state, and she was telling me all about this new guy she is “hanging out with.” I found out about him early last week and it didn’t bother me at all. Ketchup always has a new guy she is talking to, so this was no different. Except now she likes to inform me of how often they see each other and what they do.

Cuddling and making out seems to be the number one activities they engage in. But they aren’t dating. I don’t know if this is normal or if I am just weird, but this seems odd to me. I asked when he was going to make her his girlfriend and she tells me that she doesn’t know, but she is fine with just getting to know each other. Apparently they talk every day, but I can’t imagine how much ‘getting to know each other’ gets done when they’re tongues are down each other’s throats.

Maybe I am just old school or maybe it is my fear of intimacy, but cuddling and kissing scares the hell out of me. I just can’t fathom getting so close with someone and letting them in, when they may decide you aren’t worth it or they don’t like you. I also can’t imagine doing it, because I have never done it before; what if I am bad at it and that makes everything awkward. [This is where the what-ifs spur out of control]

Sure I think it would be nice to cuddle with someone or have someone spontaneously kiss me. I dream about that all the time, but actually having it happen in real life would be crazy incredible, because it takes a lot for me to let someone in, so I hope that there is a patient guy out there just for me.

You know how there are those people out there who see someone and just want to know what it would be like to have their arms around them or what it would feel like to kiss them. Well I am not one of those people. Maybe I am not that way, because I’ve never experienced that before. Most of the time when I start to like someone (because I am the girl with all the crushes) I picture us just doing life together. What it would be like to go grocery shopping together or to cook a meal together or just doing silly, weird things together.

I don’t know if I am like this, because something is wrong with me or because of how I was raised or because I have never experienced closeness before, but I will continue to hope and dream that there is potential in me to be open if the opportunity showed itself and that there is a guy out there who is patient and willing to understand me.

❤ a girl

Finding My Somewhere

place for meSometimes I feel out of place. Sometimes I don’t feel like I belong. Sometimes I feel like the odd-man-out. Sometimes I feel lonely in a crowd. Sometimes I feel like I am the only one. Sometimes I feel my voice isn’t heard. Sometimes I feel lost. Sometimes I feel nothing at all.

I want to know what it is like to learn, grow, and flourish while being comfortable in my own skin. When I was younger (before senior year of high school) I was so bold and sure of myself. Then, like a flip of a switch, I wasn’t inside and out. I could still talk the talk on the outside, but on the inside I was falling apart and so insecure.

To this day I am like that. Just a few weeks ago, I was talking to this guy and at one point he said I talked to much and it got annoying. Of course there were other negative things said, but when I was telling my friend about it, I told her what he said, but then I followed up with “I don’t care, because I love myself a little too much”. The fact was that as much as I do love myself and all of my quirks, I did care what he said. I shouldn’t, but what if that is my hindrance to be in a relationship.

I didn’t appreciate the fact that he was trying to make me feel uncomfortable about my personality. My blunt, talkative demeanor is something that I define myself by and he was compromising that shell. Sadly, he was a co-worker, so for the few days after that we worked together, I no longer felt at ease at work. Being at work had always been a place that I could be me and others appreciated it, but with his condescending attitude there, it became a place I no longer wanted to be.

My ‘somewhere’ isn’t just a physical destination (although I can’t wait to find somewhere to settle down that I can call my future), but also a mental one. A place of comfort with my friends, my choices, my body, and my personality. A place where being me is something to be proud of instead of something to be questioned. I know my ‘somewhere’ is out there and I am going to find it.

❤ a girl