What defines us? What makes us who we are? What sets us apart? Why are we special? Do we get to choose the answers to these questions?
Personality. Talents. Achievements. Thoughts. Actions. Mistakes. Beliefs. These are all things that come to my mind when I think about who I am, but I am much more than that.
I have struggled a lot with this concept. I like to think of myself as an individual. Someone who is unique and original and quirky. Someone who is worth getting to know. My struggle is that I don’t feel like anyone really cares to know who I am or the little things that make me, me. I don’t feel like anyone wants to give up that time. But why? Why am I not good enough to occupy someone’s time or thoughts?
When asked to describe myself certain things come to mind. Often things that I can’t or don’t see the point in changing. I am short. I am white. I am American. I am a redhead. I wear glasses. Then there are characteristics that I consider to be “me,” but they aren’t always present. I am talkative. I am sweet. I am opinionated. I am blunt. I am energetic. Then there are the quirks. I can’t cook. I go to my car to feel safe. I cut my fingernails every other day. I drool anytime I lay my head down. I eat cupcakes upside down.
I feel like I am a good person who is interesting to be around. Don’t get me wrong, I have five best friends, a small handful of good friends, and then an abundance of acquaintances. Besides my best friends, most of them don’t know my quirks and when describing me would give very different characteristics.
They say that to be true to who you are, you have to be the same person everywhere. Well that is way more difficult than it sounds. I morph with my surroundings. If I feel uncomfortable then I grow quiet and fade into the background, but if I feel safe than I am outgoing and open. It is almost impossible to be the exact same person in all situations.
I am in this continual questioning of “why am I not good enough?” and it always leads to these experiments- maybe if I try being the quiet, shy girl then people will like me more; maybe if I try being the overly obnoxious girl then people will want to talk to me; maybe if I come off as the sassy and opinionated girl then people will listen to me. The list goes on, but sadly I still always feel alone, unwanted, and unliked.
So I am still at a loss when people tell me to just “be yourself.” It makes me cringe, because it is, quite possibly, the worst advice ever. I barely even remember who “myself” is these days. What’s the point of sticking with “myself” when people don’t like her?
❤ a girl