Aphenphosmphobia: the fear of being touched.
Philophobia: the fear of affection.
I honestly believe that I suffer from all three of those. I think they stem from one another and it all begins with my fear of being single forever.
It’s weird, because I don’t necessarily mind being single. I have been the single girl my entire life, so I identify with it, but it wouldn’t be so bad having someone pick me. But see that is where the other two come in. I do not like to be hugged or really physically touched at all and I absolutely have a problem with compliments and eye contact.
So this causes real issues in friendships and possible relationships. No one understands why I feel this way and heck I don’t even know why I feel this way.
They say it can be traced back to something in your childhood, but I can’t really think of a specific time. I come from a very loving family and growing up I had lots of friends. It wasn’t until junior high that I began to slowly isolate myself from people.
Okay, maybe I lied. I may possibly have an idea as to why I am this way, but it has nothing to do with being abused or neglected. As for my fear of being touched- I have a skin disease called eczema which causes my skin to be dry all the time and on top of that I have extremely wrinkly hands for no apparent reason. This causes me to be extremely self-conscious about people touching or looking at my skin. As for my fear of affection- I have never had a boyfriend and I was asked out once (which turned out to be a disaster), so I am weird about compliments, because I always feel like people are lying and eye-contact is just too personal.
So I have decided that my irrational fears stem from my own insecurities. It is a sort of domino effect. No one has liked me in the past, therefore there has to be something wrong with me, therefore no one will like me in the future. This thought process is a problem.
I would love to quit thinking like this and just be totally confident and secure in myself, but how do you just change? How do you just quit being fearful of the only way you know how to be?
❤ a girl