Random Memory Spasms

memories 1Some people say that memories make us who we are. I feel that the things in our past play a role in what defines us, but it doesn’t have to be everything. I have good memories that I want to remember forever and keep at the front of my brain to remind myself that through all the bad, I had this good moment. But mostly I just have negative memories that I want to will myself to forget. First it would be impossible to forget all of the memories that aren’t positive, but also you need those memories to know what kind of person you are striving to become, what kinds of people you want to surround yourself with, and to remind yourself when you get in this situation, then this happens.

My memory is a tricky thing. I am the kind of person that dwells on the bad things that hurt my feelings, made me feel awkward, or pissed me off. Normally in these situations, I run away and have the world’s most pathetic pity party, I shrink away and become a hermit, or I say whatever is on my mind and have to seriously backtrack later. After I pick with fight or flight I am going with it usually ends badly and I sit in my room and think about all of the different ways it could have played out if I had only been more normal, thought before I spoke, had a sense of humor.

When you analyze situations as much as I do, it is extremely difficult to forget them. I don’t think analyzing situations is necessarily a bad thing (to a degree). Sometimes it can be beneficial to figure out where you went wrong, where you could have held your tongue, where you may need to open up more…. but more times than not I do it to cut myself down rather than build my confidence for next time.

Having all of these bad memories bombarding my mind 24/7 makes it so hard to try new things and give second chances. I feel like my memories are constantly reminding me of what happened last time I tried that or hung out with that person or was open about that. I want to move forward. I want to explore. I want to be honest. Dare I say I want to be me. How do I keep my memories, but not be a prisoner to them?

❤ a girl

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5 thoughts on “Random Memory Spasms

  1. I spend a lot of times basking in my memories too, good or bad. While I have plenty of bad ones that make me cringe or may make me sad, I always try to direct my train of thought to more positive ones, where I’m traveling or hanging out with people I like instead of wondering what went wrong with people I don’t like as much. My best advice for giving yourself the opportunity for second chances is to remember that, whatever you do, it’s happened to someone else before and you’re not alone in your experiences, good or bad! Easier said than done, but just something I try to do. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Wow that is great advice!
      So this just reminded me of something. I work at a bookstore and I am normally a cashier, but last week they decided to add me to “accounting” where I balance the tills and count the safe. I didn’t want this job, because I don’t necessarily like working with money or being responsible for so much. But the worst part is that it makes me so nervous and I always feel inadequate. It takes me a really long time to get any of it done and I am always focusing on what they will think if I mess up and what went wrong, but after reading your advice, well you are right. Someone else has messed up at the job that I do now. Everyone miscounts or loses a coin here or there…. No one can expect me to be perfect and I shouldn’t dwell on the fact that I am not.
      So thank you. Definitely easier said than done, but definitely worth a shot.

      Like

  2. I’ve thought about how your thoughts and experiences become memories. Right now my running theory is that we remember the good, pleasant, exciting, and fun things because we sincerely enjoy those moments and consciously choose to remember them. As for the unpleasant memories, I’m convinced that our natural instinct to live up to a certain standard, whether we know what that standard is right now or not, causes us to remember all of those terrible, embarrassing, stupid, humiliating, and sad moments in our lives.

    I feel like its necessary, and I do, analyze both memories. The first, to remember that I have enjoyed life, or to encourage me in times of stress or self loathing. The second, to become better at interacting with people. I guess the goal is to figure out how to think about the bad memories, not as a “what if” but as preparation for when that situation come up again.

    TLP

    Liked by 1 person

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