Some people say that memories make us who we are. I feel that the things in our past play a role in what defines us, but it doesn’t have to be everything. I have good memories that I want to remember forever and keep at the front of my brain to remind myself that through all the bad, I had this good moment. But mostly I just have negative memories that I want to will myself to forget. First it would be impossible to forget all of the memories that aren’t positive, but also you need those memories to know what kind of person you are striving to become, what kinds of people you want to surround yourself with, and to remind yourself when you get in this situation, then this happens.
My memory is a tricky thing. I am the kind of person that dwells on the bad things that hurt my feelings, made me feel awkward, or pissed me off. Normally in these situations, I run away and have the world’s most pathetic pity party, I shrink away and become a hermit, or I say whatever is on my mind and have to seriously backtrack later. After I pick with fight or flight I am going with it usually ends badly and I sit in my room and think about all of the different ways it could have played out if I had only been more normal, thought before I spoke, had a sense of humor.
When you analyze situations as much as I do, it is extremely difficult to forget them. I don’t think analyzing situations is necessarily a bad thing (to a degree). Sometimes it can be beneficial to figure out where you went wrong, where you could have held your tongue, where you may need to open up more…. but more times than not I do it to cut myself down rather than build my confidence for next time.
Having all of these bad memories bombarding my mind 24/7 makes it so hard to try new things and give second chances. I feel like my memories are constantly reminding me of what happened last time I tried that or hung out with that person or was open about that. I want to move forward. I want to explore. I want to be honest. Dare I say I want to be me. How do I keep my memories, but not be a prisoner to them?
❤ a girl