I was talking on the phone earlier with Ketchup, one of my best friends who lives in a different state, and she was telling me all about this new guy she is “hanging out with.” I found out about him early last week and it didn’t bother me at all. Ketchup always has a new guy she is talking to, so this was no different. Except now she likes to inform me of how often they see each other and what they do.
Cuddling and making out seems to be the number one activities they engage in. But they aren’t dating. I don’t know if this is normal or if I am just weird, but this seems odd to me. I asked when he was going to make her his girlfriend and she tells me that she doesn’t know, but she is fine with just getting to know each other. Apparently they talk every day, but I can’t imagine how much ‘getting to know each other’ gets done when they’re tongues are down each other’s throats.
Maybe I am just old school or maybe it is my fear of intimacy, but cuddling and kissing scares the hell out of me. I just can’t fathom getting so close with someone and letting them in, when they may decide you aren’t worth it or they don’t like you. I also can’t imagine doing it, because I have never done it before; what if I am bad at it and that makes everything awkward. [This is where the what-ifs spur out of control]
Sure I think it would be nice to cuddle with someone or have someone spontaneously kiss me. I dream about that all the time, but actually having it happen in real life would be crazy incredible, because it takes a lot for me to let someone in, so I hope that there is a patient guy out there just for me.
You know how there are those people out there who see someone and just want to know what it would be like to have their arms around them or what it would feel like to kiss them. Well I am not one of those people. Maybe I am not that way, because I’ve never experienced that before. Most of the time when I start to like someone (because I am the girl with all the crushes) I picture us just doing life together. What it would be like to go grocery shopping together or to cook a meal together or just doing silly, weird things together.
I don’t know if I am like this, because something is wrong with me or because of how I was raised or because I have never experienced closeness before, but I will continue to hope and dream that there is potential in me to be open if the opportunity showed itself and that there is a guy out there who is patient and willing to understand me.
❤ a girl