“Put your head right here.”

scandal 2I’ve been really into Scandal lately and I just started season 3 a couple days ago. I was just watching season 3 episode 4 ‘Say Hello to My Little Friend’ and there was a scene at the end involving Olivia and Jake.

Let me just be clear and say that I love Jacob Ballard. He is my favorite male character on this show and I adore him. It may be because I originally fell for him when he was Henry on Grey’s Anatomy, but for whatever reason I will root for him not matter who he is pursuing.

Jake and Olivia’s relationship is actually not what this post is about. This post is about this really small gesture that he makes in this scene that really spoke to me. Olivia has recently learned about who her father is and what he is capable of. In this scene, Olivia puts her head in her hands and Jake reaches over and places his hand on her knee and tells her not to cry. She tells him she isn’t crying, but trying not to scream. He leans back on the couch and points to chest right where his heart should be and tells her to lay her head there. She looks at him funny and when she sees he isn’t kidding, she puts her head there. He then tells her he isn’t going anywhere.

That might seem silly or unimportant, but it speaks volumes to me. I am one of the most awkward people and I don’t know much about relationships, because I have never been in one. I have my theories as to why that is, but I am also surrounded by my own issues. Some people can accept these issues and love me anyway whereas others cannot.

I’ll be honest and say that I really want a man in my life that can accept these issues. Accept that I am not perfect, but awkward, weird, and a bit fragile although I don’t like to admit it. I want a man who can sit with me when I am going through something and just invite me to lean on him and he will help hold me afloat. That taking it slow is okay and that he will be there for when I am ready.

I know Jake is just a TV character and this scene was written by a woman, but I really think my thoughtful yet strong man is out there and I am trying to wait patiently for him.

❤ a girl

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Talk Nerdy to Me

being yourself 8Awhile back, Elephant told me that her boyfriend and some of his friends were having a Star Wars marathon and said I was welcome to join them. I jumped on the invitation, because it is not everyday that someone invites you to do something like this. Turns out Elephant wasn’t really into Star Wars, so I sat on the couch engrossed in the saga with the eight of the nerdiest guys I have ever met.

It was really fun and took us fourteen hours to complete, but now that I look back on it, I felt so included. I complain that I have perfected being a good “girl” friend, but it’s times like these when I appreciate the fact that guys can be themselves around me. Occasionally they would apologize for saying something that they probably shouldn’t in front of a female, but for the most part they just spoke to me and joked with me like I was just another person.

Well today I was invited to another movie marathon. It was supposed to be Indiana Jones, but one of the guys forgot the movies, so we ended up watching Back to the Future instead. I love the first one in the trilogy, so I was down to watch them. I actually took a few cat naps during the next two movies, but overall it was super fun and I was the only girl there, because Payton was out of town. It really meant a lot that they still included me even though she couldn’t come.

They are such an interesting group of guys. They actually watch these movies with the subtitles on, because they literally quote and commentate throughout the entire thing. Most of them are RTVF (Radio Television Film) majors, so they know what they are talking about, but even being an outsider I enjoy listening to them argue about actors, scenes, and other stuff. They know where all the mess ups are located and have so many jokes.

I never would have thought that I would fall in with such a nerdy group of guys, but I really enjoy hanging out with them and not being judged for being into superhero movies or other nerdy things. I appreciate that they understand that although I am a girl and like girly things, I can also be into other things as well.

Today was a much needed day to remind myself of who I am. With all the frustrations with my roommate and my own mind, it was nice to remember that being me is absolutely ok!

❤ a girl

Silent Too Long

trusting god 1“Question everything. Your love, your religion, your passion. If you don’t have questions, you’ll never find answers.”

Growing up in church, they teach you to trust God. They teach you that God has a plan for your life. They teach you that God does things on his own time. They teach you that God doesn’t always answer prayers how you want him to. They teach you that God sometimes says no or not yet. They teach you that God is not a genie. They teach you that being a Christian is hard.

I never seriously questioned my faith until this semester. It was sort of an all of a sudden explosion kind of thing. My doubt had been building for awhile, but I just kept bottling it up telling myself that I was a Christian and I believed in God and I couldn’t have those kind of thoughts. I told myself that those thoughts would go away if I surrounded myself with Christian people and found a church to attend. That didn’t work. It just got worse.

Thursday, February 12th, I had a breakdown. I have these every once in awhile, but this one was pretty bad. I had been at work for eight hours, because the girl who was supposed to relieve me never showed up. I was already exhausted, then add frustration on top of that, plus a mound of homework growing by what felt like the hour. After work, I called my mom, because I needed some encouragement. When she answered and told her about how exhausted I was with my job and my school work plus that I wasn’t enjoying my classes and didn’t think I wanted to stick with my major, she just told me that I would be ok, because I always was and then informed she was out to eat with my dad and brother, so she would call me back.

By this point I was already in tears, so I sat down and tried to catch my breath. Once I had composed myself, I went into the building and got out all of my homework and spread it out all over the table. I was determined to finish and it was a good way to take my mind off things. After a good half hour, my small group from the BSM (where I had purposely been avoiding) saw me sitting at the table and decided to join me, so I could be included in the discussion. Ugh! I was not in the mood to be around these happy-go-lucky people; I was in a bad mood and wanted to wallow in it. They kept asking me if I was ok and saying that I wasn’t my usual self. Well duh I am not my normal self. Let it go! Eventually they leave and I manage to get most of my homework done while taking breaks to go to the bathroom and compose myself.

My mom ends up texting me instead of calling me back. She asks how I am doing and I tell her I’m fine and not to worry about me. She says she loves me and feeds me some crap about how I need to focus on God and pray about how I am feeling and that he has a plan. Nothing I haven’t heard before. I just respond with one word or one sentence until she leaves me alone. I gather all of my stuff and get back to my room as quick as possible, because these cop-out answers from her have really irritated me.

Once I get in my room, I decide I need to retreat, be alone, and be sad. I grab my pound bag of sour gummy worms, a Dr Pepper, and a box of tissues and shove them in my bag. When I am upset and just want to stay upset, I find comfort in my car, so I get in and drive to a vacant parking lot. I have on my depressing playlist and sit in my car and think. And cry. I think and cry for a long time. I talk to myself a little and then I eventually end up yelling at God, but at this point I am done.

I understand that they say He is silent, so that you will lean on Him, but He has been silent in my life for too long. I don’t ask for stupid things, but sometimes I need answers and it does more harm than good not to answer me. But who I am kidding, He has never answered me. Back in high school I could claim whatever I wanted, but when it came down to it, I never felt Him. After I have this meltdown, still nothing. Apparently I am not that important to Him, because nothing happened. Once I came to this realization. I felt different. I was ready to change my outlook. If God didn’t want to help me or answer me, then fine.

 My frustration began to stem from me being me– the next to near perfect girl.  I understand that yes I have messed up and no I am not really perfect, but honestly I just don’t see the point of striving for perfection when you don’t get anything in return. The most irritating thing for me was that some of my friends and people I know have all this going for them: a relationship, a job, an education while they do pretty much whatever they want. I just got so fed up with doing the right thing and never being happy or having things work out for me.

I have decided to take a step back from my faith for a little while and just figure out who I want to be and what I want to believe. I’m tired of having all of these expectations placed on me attached to all these assumptions. I am just a girl who wants to live and mess up and do some more living.

❤ a girl

Wavering Faith

wavering faith 1“I talk to God, but the sky is empty.” – Sylvia Plath

This is my faith story and to some it doesn’t have a happy ending.

Ever since I can remember, I spent every Sunday at church. From birth to the beginning of 4th grade, my family attended a Church of Christ church. I remember putting on pretty dresses, frilly white socks, and my dress shoes on Sunday mornings. I remember the choir and the song books, but no instruments. I remember having family friends and going to events that were simple and fun like the fall carnival. At one point, something went down, but I don’t know what, because I was so young, but it resulted in us moving churches.

Church hopping was one of the most awful experiences ever. It is an uncomfortable as well as awkward thing to do. Although I was just a nine year old, I dreaded having to try a new church every Sunday. My parents would force my brother and I to go to the “children’s” area and have class with kids our own age during service. Besides the fact that we didn’t know anyone, it also sucked, because sometimes we were really overdressed or under-dressed depending on the church. This just made us stand out more.

Eventually, my parents decided to stay at a nondenominational church (which is the one they still attend today). I have always said that nondenominational, for this church anyway, is pretty much Baptist, but they just don’t want that label. We were happy here for awhile. They had a very active children’s ministry, so I got involved real quick. I made some friends (kids I still know today). This church really stresses baptism, so after a few months there I, as a 9/10 year old, decided to get baptized. All the other kids had or were doing it, so I felt it was only right.

Well looking back now I wish I hadn’t. Not that being baptized is a bad thing, but I just don’t cherish that moment like others I know. I was just a kid following the crowd. I know what it means to be baptized, but I don’t think I fully understood that at that age. I don’t even remember the date or the month… it just wasn’t that special to me– which I feel means that I didn’t really understand the weight of what I was doing.

Time went on and I eventually moved up to the youth ministry. By this point, my need to be perfect had already set in. I was raised in a Christian household with Christian parents teaching Christian morals. I believed I needed to do right all the time and never mess up, because messing up equaled to sin. I didn’t cuss, party, drink, smoke… whatever the situation, if it could be considered questionable, I didn’t do it. If my name was brought up, it was an automatic assumption I wasn’t involved- and I wasn’t.

For a couple of years I felt accepted in this group. I had two best friends and a handful of “frienquaintances,” so I never questioned anything. This was obviously how life was supposed to work. As I hung out with my best friends and experienced their families, I realized that not all Christian families were the same and that I did not fit in. Eventually our friendship fell apart (a story for another post), but after that I started to feel alone. We got a new youth pastor and him and I never got along and I never really felt like he took me seriously nor did he try to accommodate or include me, at this point I was 13 to 16.

This took it’s toll and I had my issues, but I had also alienated myself. I refused to go to youth, because I despised the guy so much, so I put space between me and the people who called themselves my friends. This was when I realized who honestly cared about me and who didn’t. I still went to all the camps, workshops, and events, but I never felt accepted. I just went, because I was supposed to and it was what I had always done.

At the beginning of my junior year of high school I started going to a youth small group again. There were two for my grade and I picked the one opposite of my ex-best friends. This was a good group and I liked the people in it, but I refused to let myself get close to any of them or let them really know me, because I had already been scarred by friendship gone bad and I couldn’t handle any others. I went, I learned, I participated, and I became the best Christian I could be.

But you can’t just be a good Christian. It has to be more than that. It has to stem from somewhere deep down. Since I grew up in church all the religious lingo came easily to me; phrases like “God spoke to me” and “I felt God leading me to do this.” After this was just natural. I became an incredible actress. I believed myself. As I turned myself into the best Christian I could be, I could see how proud my mom and my small group leader were. I had already ingrained in everyone’s mind that I was perfect. How could I tell them I feel nothing? How could I tell them that God doesn’t speak to me? So I bottled that up and kept on pretending.

My first semester in college I lived in Arkansas. I couldn’t find a church I liked, then I had car problems, so I just didn’t go to church, but I still read my Bible and made good choices. The next semester I transferred to North Texas and was determined to find a good Christian crowd to hang out with. I found a Bible study that I liked for awhile. At the start of my fourth semester, I had class during my previous Bible study time, so I joined the BSM. It was inspiring and encouraging at first, but little by little I just had different viewpoints and didn’t appreciate their pushy attitudes. So I am distancing myself from them.

Currently, I am not going to church and not attending an outside Bible Study. I’m not saying this, because I am proud, but I am also not saying this, because I am disappointed in myself. For the first time I feel like I can breathe, make my own decisions, form my own opinions, and not be expected to be what they want me to be. Being the perfect Christian was my life, but it’s not anymore.

❤ a girl

The Versatile Blogger Award

I want to give a huge thank you and a big hug to The Bibliothèque for nominating me for The Versatile Blogger Award. It is such a shock and an honor. So thank you, I really appreciate it! The Bibliothèque is a great blog full of awesome book reviews, so you should totally check her out!

the rules:

1. Nominate 15 other bloggers relatively new to blogging

2. Let the bloggers know that you’ve nominated them

3. Share 10 random facts about yourself

4. Thank the blogger who nominated you and link back to their blog

5. Add the Versatile Blogger Award picture to your post

the facts:

1. I am addicted to Dr Pepper.

2. Jodi Picoult is my favorite author. (I even got to meet her!).

3. I hate fingernails and I cut mine on a daily basis.

4. I like to listen to Bollywood music when I clean.

5. This new fad of wearing mismatched socks drives me crazy- my socks must match!

6. My dream car is a 1966 white convertible Volkswagen Beetle.

7. I have an overly sensitive tongue that is always getting burned by something. One time it actually changed colors.

8. I own 6 pairs of converse… with more to come.

9. You can never eat too much junk food.

10. My favorite color is orange. A bright, sunny shade.

the nominees:

Fireflies and Jars

Thoughts, Opinions, and Everything In Between

Erika The Bibliophile

So I am going to break the rules and nominate these three phenomenal bloggers!

❤ a girl