“I should have made more mistakes.”
Someone on my Facebook feed had shared an image that Humans of New York had posted. I heard about the group, but had never really been interested in what they did. But out of curiosity, I clicked on the shared post and got sucked into looking at all the pictures and reading all of the stories that were being told. Some in one sentence and others in a few. It is an incredible thing the HONY people are doing and I wanted to share this one.
I felt so much affirmation from just seeing this one photograph in relation to that one quotation. I shared previously about how I have lived my life as a goody-two-shoes and I have tried to be as perfect as I can. I have always cared way too much about what people think and how they will react to the decisions I make, therefore I don’t stay out late or do anything remotely questionable. It is also why this blog is not posted to my social media. I am afraid of what people will think or say or react toward me if they knew my thoughts or feelings.
For a while now I have felt that I have lived an extremely sheltered life. I think it originated from me being sheltered as a kid, but this is weird for me to think about, because my parents didn’t ever sit me down and tell me I couldn’t do certain things. It was just an understood kind of thing. I understood that drinking and drugs were bad, so I surrounded myself with people who felt the same way, so I was never around that kind of behavior. I understood that cussing was looked down upon, so I chose to surround myself with people who didn’t use bad language, so I wasn’t tempted to as well.
All of this started changing when I got my first job, which was in the restaurant business, and was surrounded by different kinds of people of all ages who drank, smoked, and cussed. It was so normal for them. I held my ground at first, because of my fear, anxiety, and insecurities. I knew how to be the good girl who believed a, b, and c, but I wasn’t well versed in how to “be bad” or just do things, because I can and not have to apologize for them.
I am slowly figuring out that making mistakes and figuring it all out isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes it makes you a bigger and better person, because you can actually relate to people and know for sure how you feel about something. I went through a phase awhile back where I decided that cussing at work wasn’t such a big deal, now I don’t cuss on a regular basis, but I also don’t judge those who do. Last weekend I decided to drink for the first time, it is definitely not going to be something I do every night, but letting loose every once in awhile isn’t so bad and now I understand the appeal it has. Tomorrow I am thinking about getting acrylic nails just because I haven’t done it before and I have always wondered what it would be like.
It has taken me a long time to realize it, but making mistakes is a very important part of life and I am excited to embark on this journey of just doing things and not having to apologize for them.
❤ a girl