“Question everything. Your love, your religion, your passion. If you don’t have questions, you’ll never find answers.”
Growing up in church, they teach you to trust God. They teach you that God has a plan for your life. They teach you that God does things on his own time. They teach you that God doesn’t always answer prayers how you want him to. They teach you that God sometimes says no or not yet. They teach you that God is not a genie. They teach you that being a Christian is hard.
I never seriously questioned my faith until this semester. It was sort of an all of a sudden explosion kind of thing. My doubt had been building for awhile, but I just kept bottling it up telling myself that I was a Christian and I believed in God and I couldn’t have those kind of thoughts. I told myself that those thoughts would go away if I surrounded myself with Christian people and found a church to attend. That didn’t work. It just got worse.
Thursday, February 12th, I had a breakdown. I have these every once in awhile, but this one was pretty bad. I had been at work for eight hours, because the girl who was supposed to relieve me never showed up. I was already exhausted, then add frustration on top of that, plus a mound of homework growing by what felt like the hour. After work, I called my mom, because I needed some encouragement. When she answered and told her about how exhausted I was with my job and my school work plus that I wasn’t enjoying my classes and didn’t think I wanted to stick with my major, she just told me that I would be ok, because I always was and then informed she was out to eat with my dad and brother, so she would call me back.
By this point I was already in tears, so I sat down and tried to catch my breath. Once I had composed myself, I went into the building and got out all of my homework and spread it out all over the table. I was determined to finish and it was a good way to take my mind off things. After a good half hour, my small group from the BSM (where I had purposely been avoiding) saw me sitting at the table and decided to join me, so I could be included in the discussion. Ugh! I was not in the mood to be around these happy-go-lucky people; I was in a bad mood and wanted to wallow in it. They kept asking me if I was ok and saying that I wasn’t my usual self. Well duh I am not my normal self. Let it go! Eventually they leave and I manage to get most of my homework done while taking breaks to go to the bathroom and compose myself.
My mom ends up texting me instead of calling me back. She asks how I am doing and I tell her I’m fine and not to worry about me. She says she loves me and feeds me some crap about how I need to focus on God and pray about how I am feeling and that he has a plan. Nothing I haven’t heard before. I just respond with one word or one sentence until she leaves me alone. I gather all of my stuff and get back to my room as quick as possible, because these cop-out answers from her have really irritated me.
Once I get in my room, I decide I need to retreat, be alone, and be sad. I grab my pound bag of sour gummy worms, a Dr Pepper, and a box of tissues and shove them in my bag. When I am upset and just want to stay upset, I find comfort in my car, so I get in and drive to a vacant parking lot. I have on my depressing playlist and sit in my car and think. And cry. I think and cry for a long time. I talk to myself a little and then I eventually end up yelling at God, but at this point I am done.
I understand that they say He is silent, so that you will lean on Him, but He has been silent in my life for too long. I don’t ask for stupid things, but sometimes I need answers and it does more harm than good not to answer me. But who I am kidding, He has never answered me. Back in high school I could claim whatever I wanted, but when it came down to it, I never felt Him. After I have this meltdown, still nothing. Apparently I am not that important to Him, because nothing happened. Once I came to this realization. I felt different. I was ready to change my outlook. If God didn’t want to help me or answer me, then fine.
My frustration began to stem from me being me– the next to near perfect girl. I understand that yes I have messed up and no I am not really perfect, but honestly I just don’t see the point of striving for perfection when you don’t get anything in return. The most irritating thing for me was that some of my friends and people I know have all this going for them: a relationship, a job, an education while they do pretty much whatever they want. I just got so fed up with doing the right thing and never being happy or having things work out for me.
I have decided to take a step back from my faith for a little while and just figure out who I want to be and what I want to believe. I’m tired of having all of these expectations placed on me attached to all these assumptions. I am just a girl who wants to live and mess up and do some more living.
❤ a girl