It’s [not] Farewell. It’s [not] Forever.

goodbye

The friendship between a man and a woman which does not lead to marriage may be a life long experience of the greatest value to themselves and to all their circle of acquaintance and of activity; but for this type of friendship both a rare man and a rare woman are needed. – Anna Garlin Spencer

Yesterday was all sorts of messed up. It’s a long story, but it’s necessary for me to get it out of my system.

[Disclaimer: I have lots of guy friends, because they don’t have drama, don’t over analyze things, and aren’t petty.]

Last semester I met this guy, Bing. He’s one of those super nice, super sweet, and super thoughtful guys. He never tried to be cool and over time we had become great friends. I don’t know what it was about him, but he was just so easy to talk to and be yourself around him. He was just so accepting of all personalities and I never felt judged by him whatsoever.

From day one, I knew he and this girl, Camel,  had a thing for each other. It was no big deal, because I didn’t like him like that. I think around October they became an official thing and I was so happy for them. I knew Camel, but we weren’t really friends. Ever since I met her, I have felt that she is Little Miss Perfect and that is hard for me to be around. I’m someone who shows their emotions and doesn’t mind having a bad day. Although I know she probably has her own set of issues, I just don’t like spending time with people who feel like they have to be put together all the time. It seems slightly fake to me and makes me feel super inadequate and insecure. So, I just have never gone out of my way to hang out with her.

When the new semester started we were both really busy, so we hadn’t seen much of each other. When spring break rolled around, he mentioned that we needed to grab coffee and catch up. This sounded like a great idea, but again our schedules never seemed to allow it. We finally agreed that yesterday night after my class ended would be a good time. I was excited, because I hadn’t seen him in months.

While I was at work, I received a text from him asking if Camel could come. Obviously, I didn’t want her there, but I wasn’t going to make a big deal about it. But then, he told me that she wanted to come, not because she didn’t trust us, but because it would look bad to onlookers. WTF! This irritated me, but I missed Bing and wanted to see him, so I reluctantly agreed. An hour or so went by and the thought of her coming, because of what it looked liked to others, just continued to eat at me and I decided I couldn’t sit back and not say anything. After all I am an honest person and he knows that.

So on my break, I texted him letting him know that this has hurt my feelings immensely. I noted that I didn’t appreciate being treated like I need a babysitter just because I happened to be a single female. I wasn’t putting up with it and as for how others felt about it… well, I don’t really care what they think and if they have a problem, they can take it up with me.

He let me know that he thought I would react this way and he felt it was a good idea for us to reschedule, so he could have time to talk to Camel. I accepted this answer. Hours later, during my night class, I receive a text from her saying how there was a misunderstanding and she wanted to come with us in order to catch up with me as well, because she missed me. Let me take a second to claim bologna! This girl has my phone number, so she could have found time to reach out and “catch up” with me whenever.

When class let out, I called Bing and let him know that Camel texted me saying something completely different than what he sent me earlier. I told him I wanted to see him and I didn’t mind if she tagged along if she really wanted to hear how I have been, but if it was the other than I would rather just wait. He said he yet again understood and would talk it over with her.

[I am an emotional person.] By this point, I was a little distraught. I was irritated and frustrated, because I had done nothing wrong. I went to my car, because that is where I find refuge when I am upset. I sat in there for a good hour having a breakdown when I finally received another text from him claiming that there was a misunderstanding earlier and that he thinks it would be best for Camel and I to talk before we get together. Yet again, I was livid. I felt this was ridiculous. We are adults and I can be friends and spend time with whoever I want to.

I didn’t want to text her. I didn’t want to give her that kind of satisfaction, because she does not dictate my decisions, but because Bing is my friend, I decided to buck it up and just let her hear my side. I texted her letting her know that I wasn’t sure where exactly I misunderstood. I told her that I did not appreciate her insinuating that I have some kind of hidden agenda where I need a babysitter. I don’t believe I should be punished just because I am a female who isn’t in a relationship. There was more. It was a novel. I waited forever for her response.

When I got it, it was exactly what I expected. She took the Christian purity route. It wasn’t “pure” for Bing and I to hang out. It wouldn’t set a good example. Seriously? Spending time with a friend is a sin now. I am no stranger to the pure relationship thing. I grew up in church, I was taught this as well, but I was not in the mood to deal with the whole “boys and girls can’t be friends” nonsense.

Once I had gained my composure I called Bing and let him know what Camel said to me. I told him I wasn’t okay with it. I understood where she was coming from, but I still didn’t feel like it was ok to punish me, because of my situation (single and female). He assured me it wasn’t me, but that they had been working through some things and our “plans” was what made it blow up. He asked me to be patient and let them work it out. He told me that I would still be his friend and that we could still talk, but just not one-on-one in person. After getting through all the hurt, and yes this did involve some tears on my part, we talked like old times… our jobs, school, friends, family.

So he and I ended up talking on the phone for a good two and a half hours, maybe longer. I put all my feelings about how this made me feel out there, but let him know that I would accept it and respect it, because he was my friend. I finally understand what it means to be a friend in a sense that you care about someone so much that you suck it up and deal with the cards you’re dealt, so they can be happy.

The compromise so far: we can talk on the phone and text, but we can’t hang out in person just the two of us.

I am going to accept this compromise even though I don’t think it makes sense. Ultimately, in my eyes, talking on the phone is a more intimate thing than meeting up with a friend for coffee in a public place, but I am not going to complain, because at least this way I don’t lose my friend completely.

When it finally got so late that our phone call had to come to an end so we could function the next morning, I was hesitant to hang up, because I didn’t want it to be goodbye. He assured me it wasn’t, but I can’t help thinking it will never be the same.

❤ a girl

Overdue Apology

apology

I’ll sit and laugh with my friends at what we’ve been through, but I still catch my breath when someone mentions you. – Unknown

In sixth grade, I met Michelle. It was a friendship that started, because I told her I liked her shirt. It was all so juvenile. We met at church. We had our mom’s meet each other and that was that. For the next five years we were best friends.

It wasn’t a perfect friendship. When you become friends as kids, sometimes it is harder to let them go. Michelle was a very dominant person. She was one of those people that was so insecure that she made up for it by being so incredibly outgoing, likable, and memorable. She was the cool, pretty, new girl from California. There were days when I felt like she just took over the people that I was supposed to be friends with. Everyone liked her. To say I wasn’t bitter about it would be a lie.

For the longest time I let it slide. She was my best friend after all. It was who she was. It was who she needed to be. She needed to feel loved, accepted, wanted… I get it. I didn’t then, but I do now.

But it was hard for me. It was hard for me to be pushed aside. To always come second. To be the back-up plan. To never get the guy. To never feel like I had friends; they were her friends who tolerated me. I was always there for her no matter what, but that wasn’t always reciprocated. Most of the time she was all talk and no action. She would complain to me about her life and her family situation, but never had time to hear about what I was dealing with.

It didn’t bother me at first. I understood that her life was worse than mine. In her eyes, I had the perfect set-up, but she never really listened to how I felt about it. But I didn’t care. Michelle was my number 1 and she claimed me as her best friend, so I wasn’t going to give that up. I needed her. Everyone needed a best friend. Right?

As I got into high school and started meeting new people, I went through friends like wildfire. They would get sick of me or I them or we would drift apart or have a disagreement. To say I didn’t care about them wouldn’t be true, but they weren’t my best friend, so how they felt toward me didn’t matter to me as much, because I had my best friend.

Well my best friend started getting into bits of trouble. She was doing things that I didn’t understand. I was extremely sheltered. After awhile, I just chalked it up to her being a drama addict. She needed something to complain about, something to make her different. Honestly, to this day I still don’t know what made her do all that.

Around junior year of high school, some little things went down that weren’t a big deal, but to me they were and Michelle didn’t understand how her actions were affecting me. I felt like our friendship was one way. I did everything I felt was expected of a friend, but got fed up when it was never reciprocated. I was going through a rough time emotionally and there was this one event that I thought she would be there for me no doubt, but she ended up practically stabbing me in the heart.

For a long time I never got over it. I held it against her for years… literally. At that moment I decided I was done. I didn’t want to be her best friend. She didn’t deserve me. She wasn’t there for me. Honestly, I despised her. I avoided her at all costs and just couldn’t handle being reminded that I wasn’t worth it to her. I graduated and went off to college and pretty much detached myself from anything related to her. I even took pictures out of frames in my room, tore them up, and threw them away. When I say I couldn’t handle it, I was being serious. We weren’t social media friends and I got rid of her number. It was like a horrific breakup.

[In regards to the above quote] Although I told myself over and over that I hated her, I still couldn’t push all of our good memories out of my head. There was a time when we really were best friends and couldn’t imagine a life without each other. After I rid her of my life, I felt lonely. I would hear people talk about her and I would act like I didn’t care or say something nasty, but really inside I just wished I had been worth it. I just wish she missed me.

Apologizing does not always mean you were wrong and the other person was right. It just means you value your relationship more than your ego. – Unknown

The day before New Years Eve, I was cleaning out my room and came across an old journal that Michelle and I used to pass back and forth. I sat down to read it and tears sprung to my eyes. I couldn’t handle it. I forced negative thoughts about her in my mind constantly, but honestly I missed her.

I wanted to text her, but when I got out my phone, I realized I didn’t have her number. I immediately checked Facebook and at some point we became friends (probably to creep on each other) and I messaged her. I admitted to her that I knew we hadn’t been speaking for a long time, but I was officially over it. I wanted to stop hating her. So we talked for a little while. Then we exchanged numbers.

After texting back and forth for a few days, I recognized that we were different people. A lot can change in a person from the time you are seventeen to being twenty. She lived in a different state with her Grandma and I was in college making questionable life choices.

We decided to give friendship another shot. A long-distance pen-pal type friendship. We understand that it will never be like it was, but that’s not what we want. We want to re-get-to-know one another as the women that we are now.

When you forgive, you in no way change the past – but you sure do change the future. – Bernard Meltzer

❤ a girl

Farther

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Last night, I went farther than I ever have. That sounds really bad. But in comparison to what I usually do on the weekends, this is a true statement.

I have been experimenting with drinking. I think last night was my fifth night to ever drink in my entire life. I’ve only been to two parties (and the first one barely counts). Elephant invited me to a party yesterday, so me and a few friends went.

Normally, I drink in a controlled environment; like Elephant’s apartment. Well, last night at the party all they had was punch and beer. I can’t stomach beer, but there was no way I was making it through the night without something, so punch it was.

Parties aren’t really my thing. Or they used to not be my thing. I was standing there watching people mingle or play different games and I just kind of felt out-of-place, because that kind of setting doesn’t come naturally to me. So one cup of punch became two cups of punch which became three cups of punch. 

I wasn’t even feeling any different at first, but then the party changed venue and as we were walking to the other apartment, I began to feel it. The warmness in my legs and the giggles that came out of my mouth. We made it, but this other apartment has parties all the time. So it had dark lights and stuff that made it hard for me to see and stay alert.

By this point, I finally understood what it meant to feel numb. I was just standing in one spot by the couch, but my whole body felt heavy. I tried to lick my lips and I had to kind of bite them to remind myself that they were still there. I was already starting to be friendly, overly-sweet, and honest too.

A little while later this guy came up to me and started talking to me, so I was actually a little relieved to have the distraction, but then it progressed. He kept cupping my face, kissing my forehead, and telling me I looked cute. In the mental-state I was in, I didn’t really feel violated by any means, but today looking back, it was really weird.

I saw some of my friend’s go out onto the balcony, so I followed them needing some fresh air, but sure enough they went out there to smoke. I stood in the corner, because I liked the breeze on my face, but watching people get high was an odd thing for me to see. I didn’t participate, but I couldn’t believe how natural they were about it.

After they were drunk and high, we went back inside and they played a little beer pong, but I had to stand against the wall, because the punch had been gradually settling in and I was wobbly, tired, and fuzzy. People started to leave, so once they finished their game, we did too. Getting back to my friend’s apartment wasn’t hard, but then again it was, because walking was a difficult task at this point.

Once we made it, they decided to get high again (against my wishes and pleas), but they made me mac n’ cheese which I am still not sure was a good choice.

I learned this morning that the punch was a little over 60% vodka and the rest fruit punch (I think). So I almost had the equivalent of 6 shots of vodka last night. Besides a slight headache, I feel fine today, but I just can’t fathom that last night happened. I am not sure how to feel about it.

❤ a girl

I’m A Little [RUSTY] At Trying New Things

try new things 1Safe. Boring. Comfortable. Previously.

These words describe what I migrate toward. I am that person who sticks to things they know. I do not have too many adventurous bones in my body and trying new things sort of freaks me out.

When it comes to friends, I normally pick people who are like me… who think like me, kind of look like me, like the same things as me, share the same ideals as me; you get the picture. Well this past November, one of my coworkers slid their number to me and told me to text her sometime. I thought it was the quirkiest gesture, so I did. Her name was Elephant and she is now my best friend! The cool thing about her and I is that we are so alike, yet so different. Now that I know her, I never in a million years would have chosen her as a friend. I am so glad that we changed our unlikely friendship, because I haven’t laughed or felt more accepted in a long time!

P&L 4.17.15 (1)

P&L 4.24.15 (2)Being friends with her has really opened my horizons to giving new experiences and people a chance! I don’t think it is an accident that we “found each other”.

Tonight, we were supposed to go to Denton’s Arts and Jazz Festival, but it was rained out. We were walking around the square and decided that we were starving. I wanted to go somewhere we had already been to get something that I eat all the time. But instead, Elephant and her boyfriend convinced me to try Rusty Taco. I was skeptical at first, but once they got me in the door, I realized that it was fairly cheap. I got two Texican Tacos and a drink. I wasn’t blown away by any means, but they were pretty good.

Rusty Taco 3 Rusty Taco 1

I had to document my new experience. I don’t try new things often. And normally I’m not smiling by the end.

After tonight’s successful bout of trying new things, I am kind of excited to do it more often. I think I may make a list of cool eating places in Denton that I haven’t tried before.

Do you have any experiences trying new things? Good or bad.

❤ a girl

McDreamy….

mcdreamy

 

So I am a little in shock right now. I can’t believe they killed Derek. Derek Shepherd. McDreamy. Gone. Forever.

I am not only sad, but legitimately pissed off. How could they do this? Why? I know that everything must at end at some point, but was this really necessary?

I am sure it had something to do with Patrick Dempsey wanting to move on and do other things which is understandable, but what these actors don’t understand is that they become part of our lives. I know that sounds pathetic, but us measly normal people get attached to characters that we spend so much time with.

Honestly, I am not sure what they are going to do now with the show. I was getting bored with it. Now I am angry with it. Either they need to start introducing some new character or jazzing up the old ones, but something needs to happen. Killing Derek was grasping at straws and just awful! Without Derek and Cristina I am just now sure how much longer I can hold on.

Grey’s Anatomy never fails to pull on my heart strings and I am just not sure why I keep coming back for more.

Are y’all Grey’s fans? If so, what did you think? How do you feel?

❤ a girl