Most people don’t believe me when I say that I am an introvert. They look at me dumbfounded and when they find their voice they say “but you like to talk” as if I don’t know myself or understand what I just told them. When this happens I feel like I have to defend myself, but I don’t.
Sometimes there are these moments that remind me that I am not the most outgoing person. Sure, I can be, but there are situations when I just want to curl into a ball and melt away.
Tonight was one of those nights.
I like to be in control… of everything! I picked up a shift at my old job tonight and I was on point. I am a hostess at a local restaurant and being bossy and on top of things is what I do best. I like to keep things in order and do things my way and my six hour shift flew by. Lots of running, sweating, speaking, and smiling, but it was a fun night. I felt confident, because that is my element.
When I got off work my good friend’s brother (the guy I started talking to a couple weeks ago) asked me to come to his going away for the summer party. I had kind of been side stepping the whole thing since it was posted online, because hanging out with people that I don’t know is hard for me, but when he specifically asked me to come, I decided the nice thing to do was make an appearance.
By the time I had freshened up and was on my way, he texted me letting me know that the party had fizzled out, but that he still had a few friends over if I wanted to still stop by. I agreed and when I got there he told me that his sister was there. Thank God, because otherwise I don’t know what I would have done. I said hi to him, but immediately went to talk to her, because she is who I am comfortable with.
At one point, he asked me to come outside and meet his friends, so I did and that was terribly awkward. I’m slightly older than them to make matters worse. I felt so out of place. They were his old friends from high school, so they were talking about people I didn’t know and memories I wasn’t apart of and subjects I have no knowledge on. I practically stood there like a moron.
I’m already self-conscious, so it was just one of those moments when I wished so hard that I would just miraculously disappear. I felt bad too, because he invited me and I was acting strange. I hoped I hadn’t come off rude either. This just reiterated to me that I am a one-one-one person. I can talk for hours about life and other things, but when put in a group, I just fade away and lose my voice.
The whole time I was practically sweating and my mind wouldn’t stop roaming. Eventually he and his friends left, which left his sister and I alone to talk. I left a little after and I feel much better now that I am back to being alone. But now I am stuck wondering whether it was weird for everyone or just super obvious to me.
I just keep reminding myself that being introverted and not the life of the party isn’t a bad thing, it is just a thing about me.
❤ a girl