Being a Fraud…

honestyToday I was sitting in church with my parents and between all the nonchalant eye rolling and dreaming of someday, I realized that I was a fraud.

I sit there and freeze to death while I listen to some dude up on stage tell me that no matter what I can find refuge in Jesus. As I rolled my eyes for the thousandth time that morning, I asked myself what I was doing here when I obviously didn’t want to be here. When I was just dismissing in my head everything the preacher was saying.

But there was no reason to even ask myself that question, because I already knew the answer. I was there, because I am afraid of disappointing my parents. I am afraid of what they will think of me, if I told them that I don’t believe anymore. I am afraid they will see me like they see my brother. So I wake up every Sunday morning, attend church with them and then volunteer as well. I am worse than just being a fraud, I am a coward too.

I am honestly quite pathetic, because I don’t even feel comfortable in my own church, but I continue to go. I have gone there for about ten years, so it isn’t just my parents that I am afraid of. It is also my close friends, the leaders that taught me when I was younger, the kids that I helped teach when I had my own class, the other college-aged kids who I grew up with. I am afraid of all the whispering that will happen as they all discuss what happened to me and why I have strayed.

I desperately wish that I wasn’t a coward. I wish I could just step up and tell my parents that I don’t have a desire to go to church, that I don’t pray and haven’t since the beginning of the year, that I don’t think God cares about me or has an impact in my life, that Christian people make me feel uncomfortable, that I feel like a ton of bricks has been lifted off of my shoulders since I stopped focusing on all the rules that religion brings, that I have more of an open mind, that I am happier.

Awhile back, like early spring, I told my mom that I wasn’t into it anymore and she labeled it “struggling with my faith”, but that is not what I call it, I call it being done and over it. I am not saying that all Christian people are bad by any means, but I just don’t want any part of it.

I just don’t know how to stand up to her and explain who I am now, because I know what will follow. She will go off on a tangent and get all emotional and then start beating herself up as a mother, because both of her kids have strayed away from what they were taught and I just don’t think I can handle that look on her face. What she doesn’t understand is that not all people who don’t believe are bad. They are just people like anyone else and it bothers me so much that her mind is so closed and that this is her mentality. I know there is nothing wrong with me, but I don’t think she will agree.

Confrontation is not my thing. And I have no problem standing up for myself when I feel it is extremely necessary, but when it comes to my parents or my best friends, I just become weak, because I care too much about what they think. And yes they should still love me no matter what, but I fear that they won’t and then I will be alone.

So there you have it; I am a fraud and a coward and I am too afraid to do anything about it.

❤ a girl

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