Over the past few months, I have been not doing and being what has been deemed typical of me. I have been striving to figure out how I want to define myself. I have been trying to experience things that would have been uncharacteristic of me in the past. I have been enlightened by what I have found.
One of the out-of-the-ordinary things that I did was start an unlikely friendship [I use this term very loosely, because I have no idea what we are] with this guy I met online. When I say it like that, it sounds like I was looking for something, but I wasn’t. It was extremely out-of-the-blue and when we first started talking, I had no idea he was even male.
We talked about everything and the more we talked, the more I realized we really got along. We were different, but that made it interesting. We were alike, but that made it familiar. Not only did we text, but we skyped too. As the days of talking for hours passed, I grew to really like him.
It is no secret I am unfamiliar with feelings like this. I read and watch people develop crushes, but to actually feel that myself for someone I had never actually met seemed stupid and ridiculous, but there I was. I wasn’t able to dismiss my feelings completely, because it all felt so genuine. He listened to me. He seemed interested. He smiled (God, do I love his smile!). He made me feel. There was no doubt in my mind that I was falling for him.
So, I had a thought. I took a leap. I fell back down.
Every so often I would hint that I wanted to meet him. I thought I was being very subtle, but that didn’t seem to be getting me anywhere. We had been talking for almost a month when I brought up that I wanted to visit him. One night I couldn’t sleep, so I planned it all out – by car and by plane. He seemed excited about the idea and told me to give him 48 hours to figure it out. Two days came and went with him saying nothing about it, so yesterday I asked whether he had figured it out and what I got was not what I was expecting… I wouldn’t be able to go, because his mom had planned a camping trip the weekend I hoped to come.
To say I wasn’t immensely disappointed would be an understatement. I knew it was a long-shot, but I had really let my imagination run wild and my hopes were up high. I had thought about all we would be able to do and talk about. I imagined getting to actually see his smile and feel what it was like to have his stare melt my insides. I imagined getting to have his arms around me in a tight embrace and actually hear the sound of his laugh. I imagined getting to actually smack his chest at the snarky comments he makes. I imagined getting to look into his eyes and experience their vivid color. All without a crappy internet connection altering it.
Of course when he told me this I acted casual about it. I told him it was no big deal that we would find a different time. But the thing is… he joined the military and only has a couple months until he ships out. Is it really wrong for me to want to meet him before he leaves? He isn’t going off to war or anything, but that is weeks upon weeks of not being able to see him. I plan to write letters – lots and lots – but part of me was hoping to have an experience or a picture of us together.
Don’t get me wrong, I am content with just talking to him. His words get to me every time, but I thought it wasn’t by accident that he didn’t have to leave for two months. But maybe it is too soon for me to meet him. I thought for sure I would be anxious about it, but I was more giddy and excited. As much as I had looked forward to that weekend, I am glad he gets to have that time with his mom, because I couldn’t even imagine what it is like to have your son embark on a journey such as this.
But letting the whole thing go has been more difficult than I thought it would be. Understanding that there is another weekend out there. Realizing that we’ve made it this far; some more months won’t kill us. Believing I am strong and knowing I will write some wonderful, funny, and heart-felt letters. Embracing the adventure that awaits.
With all that being said, I ask myself — Is it wrong for me to feel this way?
❤ a girl