Dear You,

Dear You,

I have no clue how to begin. I just really wanted to talk to you today, but assumed that if I texted or called it would just go unanswered. Don’t get me wrong, I hoped that I would hear from you, but eventually that hope turns to disappointment.

I am tired of letting other people disappointing me affect the way I feel about myself. For awhile now I have been struggling with a lot of stuff and I saw a negative change in myself. It wasn’t all bad, there were really good times too – mainly when I was talking to you – but two weeks ago I just broke and I couldn’t seem to put my pieces together again.

After opening up to my mom, I took some steps to getting better and I am going to counseling now and I have a “joy” jar. I am trying to focus on positive things and remember what used to bring my old fire! I feel like I lost it along the way and I am figuring out how to get it back.

I know I can become extremely overbearing, so I tried to give you space, but I hope you know I miss you very much! You were there for me when I thought I had no one else. You never asked me to be something I wasn’t nor did you judge me and I appreciate that more than you know. You still mean so much to me!

I hope Basic is treating you okay and you are learning a lot! I would love to hear all of your stories. Have you made any friends? Is it how you imagined?

Can’t wait to hear from you!

❤ a girl

Life in Limbo

life 2

Never giving up is a difficult thing for me. In some situations I never want to let things go, but in others I so easily throw in the towel. It is a weird thing how I decide which way a situation is going to go, but lately I have wanted to just back out and watch my life from the outside.

I am kind of tired of making choices for myself. This may sound strange, but figuring out the right path to take has got me so stressed out! And ya I get that I am in college and everyone “goes through this”, but I am a junior now and have to decide a permanent path or I will be in school forever. I wouldn’t mind exploring different classes and stuff if I was paying for it myself, but my parents and other contributors pay for my college, so I feel I need to be dedicated to something.

I don’t think I have ever talked about my college education past, but basically it goes like this– psychology major–> social work major–> public relations major–> technical communication major–> who the heck knows! Picking something to study has always been a challenge for me. Everything just seems so interesting and fun until I am actually in the class and then I am just regret it and wonder what I got myself into. Why is it so hard for me to choose something that I enjoy and feel like it is worth it?

Anyway, after recognizing my issues and going to counseling this morning, I kind of feel like that would be a great path for me. I tried social work in the past, but it was just not what I was expecting. I wanted to be a light in someone’s life and help people, but it was just a bit too much. Now, I feel like I want to work with younger people like teenagers and early 20’s, because I feel like in ways I can relate to them and help them, because what I am going through myself. I have also realized that I enjoy finding solutions to other people’s problems and watching them regain their happiness– it makes me feel better to know that others are feeling good. I know that this profession wouldn’t be all sunshine and rainbows all the time, but I think it would worth it.

So that leads to lots of questions… what do I major in? Where do I get my Masters? Would I be able to handle a profession such as this? What are my next steps?

Between dealing with my struggles, schoolwork, and figuring out my future, I am more than a little stressed out. I am working on remembering to just breathe.

❤ a girl

One Person Can’t Define People

people can surprise you

I feel like I haven’t written like forever, but apparently it has only been one day. :O

So I have been dealing with some emotional stuff for awhile now and I have just now come forwarded. Basically, I have been struggling with all of these symptoms that lead up to depression, but I haven’t been diagnosed, because I have not gone to see a professional.

This past Sunday, I decided to tell all of y’all through this blog and my friends and family through Facebook that I was having a difficult time not being sad and negative all of the time. Honestly, I wasn’t sure of the kind of response I was going to receive. I assumed y’all would be more open and nice about the whole thing, because bloggers typically are more open-minded and kind, but my family and friends surprised me in an entirely new way.

Not all of them of course. Some ignored my cry for help, but some really blew me away by the nice words they had to share. Lots of older people were willing to encourage me and give me ideas as to how to find my joy, but one person in particular stood out to me.

This person chose not to like or comment on my “status”, but instead messaged me. This person is a Facebook “friend”, but not someone I had ever spoke to in person. We went to the same high school and have tons of mutual friends, but weren’t necessarily friends ourselves. They opened up and told me that they read my post and felt convicted to share their story with me, because they feel I am where they were about a year ago.

First off, this is the last person I would ever have expected to come to me with this kind of information. They are nice and kind and sweet and smart… pretty much perfect from everything I had ever heard or read about them, but it was just the first sign that I could relate to them.

Today, they emailed me their story of battling depression and how they are overcoming it. As I was reading, I could see my own life going through my head. I understood what they were talking about and how they were feeling, because they were right- I was there right now. Their story made me cry. Not sad tears, but happy tears that helped me register that I was not alone in dealing with this.

For awhile now, I have kind of lost my hope in people. Not all of them, because I have select few friends and family who have come through for me, but for the most part I have been beaten down and broken by them over and over that I just didn’t care to interact with them anymore. But after receiving that message from a person who only knew of me from what social media shows and still having the courage to reach out to me even though it was scary and a long shot… it restored my hope.

Good people are out there. You have to keep searching. Don’t let one negative person (I have been this person) ruin your day or your life. When you find the good ones, let them create joy in your life and cherish it.

❤ a girl

My Journey to Overcoming

My Journey to Overcoming - Edited

People have issues. People have struggles. People have problems. People have junk. People have baggage. Clarification: All People Have…

I have lots of issues. I have lots of struggles. I have lots of problems. I have lots of junk. I have lots of baggage. It follows me around like a raincloud and I have to constantly keep my umbrella over my head to get through. Well somewhere along the way my umbrella blew away in the harsh winds and I haven’t been able to find it or buy a new one.

Today I had a breakdown that led to a breakthrough. I feel like I was finally able to dry the water droplets off the lenses of my glasses and see a little clearer for the first time in awhile. I want to escape this raincloud and enjoy the sunshine that I can see from afar.

I am calling this “My Journey to Overcoming” and I plan to catalog it, so that one day I can look back and see where I was and what I was dealing with in order to see that I am capable, remember that I don’t want to ever be there again, and remind myself that whenever I get down, there is a positive way out.

This is going to be a hard journey and I would appreciate any support y’all are willing to give. I have created a separate blog Escaping The Raincloud to document my journey and so that I can keep it separate from those of you who are not interested, but still like to read my other thoughts. I struggle a lot, but I am done letting it control my life. Through some tough love, I have come to my senses and am getting help, so if you want feel free to keep up with my progress. Encouragement Definitely Welcome!

So that is what is up with me. Thank you for always sticking by me!

❤ a girl

Lost and Confused

feelings

This post really has no goal, no underlying truth, no meaning… it is just me trying to sort out the mess I am in. I’m basically just confused and can’t figure what went wrong, what I did, where we stand, or what is going on. Oh these questions that I just can’t seem to answer.

It is a weird feeling when the one person you talked to all day ever day for over two months just becomes too busy to talk to you anymore. At first I got it; he is leaving for the military on Monday and has stuff to do things to get together and people to see, but does that really mean that your fingers can’t send a quick text every few hours? Does that really mean that you can’t spare 5 minutes for a quick phone call? I know I am whiny and slightly irritating, but at least have the decency to say that instead of just cut me off slowly.

Then how you make a HUGE mistake and feel completely AWFUL about it and wish you could fix it and that your apology would be adequate. You beat yourself up about it for the night and the whole next day. When he doesn’t respond to your heartfelt and sincere apology, you figure he hates you and wants nothing to do with you and you deserve it. But then when you finally breakdown and call he is busy with family and says he will talk later and isn’t upset. You are upset and a little confused, but you figure you will talk about it later that night, but then he never calls or texts.

You decide to be persistent, because you don’t want this relationship to end, because you still have feelings for this person. You send a good morning text to remind him that you still exist and a few hours later get a response, but sadly it doesn’t elicit a response from you, so you leave him be. Then it happens– he texts you first!! He tells you a little about his day (yay!), but that’s it. Not a big deal, you reply with a small tidbit about your day and then nothing. So the confusion continues. You decide to call later that night when you figure he will be at home and not busy with anything, but he doesn’t answer. He texts letting you know he is driving. He seems to be driving for what seems like ages, so you text again. He finally replies much later that he went to see a movie in a different city, he is sorry for not communicating very much, and says he will call tomorrow. Now begs the question… will he actually? Why won’t he just call now? Sure, I am overbearing, but I haven’t gotten to talk to the one person I used to talk to on a daily basis in almost a week, so kill me if I miss him!

So here we are- today -no response to either text. I don’t know what this means. I don’t know where we stand. Are we even still friends, much less a thing? I just don’t know how to feel when the one person I used to count on doesn’t even seem to care that I exist or want to know how I am doing. I don’t know what to think about this whole thing? At first, I thought maybe he was just distancing himself to make leaving easier, but he said he wasn’t, so that left me even more confused. I really just want to talk to him even if it is for five freaking minutes, I just want to hear his smile through the phone and know what has been going on with him, because he means so much to me.

Am I awful? Am I overbearing? Am I needy? Sure, I’ll admit I might be all of those things at one time or another, but right now I am mainly just confused and would really like some answers.

❤ a girl

P.S. He still sends me the occasional smiley face, so I don’t think he is done, I just don’t know…