The thing is that I can not even figure out what I was feeling or why I was feeling it. Not being able to pinpoint what you feel or why you feel it can be so frustrating and just cause you to be even more emotional.
My thoughts were so incredibly unrealistic and ridiculous. Something triggers the extreme negativity and sadness and then I am a spiraling basket case from there.
I was having a perfectly normal day. I woke up early to take my best friend to work, then came back to finish sleeping, got out of bed a second time to take a shower and get around. I had a pleasant phone conversation with my mother. I decided to go to Barnes and Noble to find a book I actually wanted to read and then I went to grab lunch at Wendy’s, because I am obsessed with their chicken nuggets at the moment.
I am sitting at a table for two in Wendy’s with my #10 and three cups of ketchup. My keys, phone, and new book are sitting on the table behind my food. I have already finished all the of the chicken nuggets and am staring at the french fries when I realize that I don’t want to be there. I get up, throw away all of the fries and my drink, and then go back out to my car. I am sitting in the driver’s seat and just start bawling, practically hyperventilating, for no apparent reason. (And no it is not my time of the month.) I tell myself to pull myself together and I sit there awhile longer dabbing at my nose and eyes until I can drive and pull out and drive to my place.
When I get back, I decide that I should try writing, so I get my laptop out to write a little bit and the words just aren’t coming. I start to cry again. Lately I haven’t wanted to read, write, do homework, go out, or any of the things I used to love to do. I text my mom and tell her that I think something is wrong. She asks why and I spell it out for her and then she calls me. I try to stay calm as I talk to her and she tells me that I just need to get out of my room and make some new friends and find a new hobby; just listening to her voice makes me start crying all over again. I just can’t control it. I am sniffling as she tells me to cheer up and I have to end up letting her go. My phone starts to die, so I plug it in and I am just sitting on the floor against my window. Just sitting there as single little tears fall down my cheeks.
There is nothing wrong with me or my life. I am perfectly healthy. I am getting a good education. I have a few good friends. I have a supportive family. I have no reason to sit in my floor and cry. Every time I would finally get myself under control something else would pop into my head until I was sobbing again. It got worse, but admitting that I laid under my bed clutching my teddy bear would be an extreme low……… I contemplating banging my head up against my door to see if that would knock me out of this trance.
In not so many words, I had a strange day full of emotions that were so unclear, unwanted, unnecessary. I just ended up being really confused and tired. I thought I might be able to snap out of it and so I stayed at my place a little longer. I managed to get out a blog post, read a chapter of my new book, and then it started again. I couldn’t handle it. So I hopped in my car and drove home.
I know that going home is not the best option and won’t solve all my problems, but just being out on the open road helped a lot. It might sound silly or cliche, but I love driving. I love the wind in my hair, the road noise, the thrill of flying down the highway; just knowing that I have a destination that I can get to seemed to put my mind at ease. Once I got home, I had a very pleasant dinner with my mom that really opened some doors for us and I was feeling significantly better once I got to see her and spend time with her. I got to chill with my dog as well. There is just something about being surrounded by family and in a place where I feel comfortable that can change so much.
Honestly, I have no clue what is going on with me and I hope it does not continue. What a weird day yesterday was.
❤ a girl