Don’t Just Throw Me A Bone

chasing

I don’t know if you read these posts anymore, but if you do, don’t miss this: Stop Screwing With My Head! I have made it evidently clear how I feel and I have stayed true through all of this, but what are you doing? Because let me be clear: I am confused.

So you get back and don’t contact me. Fine. No big deal. I figured you were busy trying to get reacclimated to your life. Two days later you message me. It was the most generic word possible, but I was grateful to hear from you. The smiley face made it better. I respond. Nothing. Nothing. Still Nothing.

I call. Nothing. I text. Nothing. I skype. Nothing. I reply. Nothing.

I don’t understand what you want from me. I don’t appreciate being treated like this. If you don’t have an intention to respond (or even read!) my response then please refrain from contacting me in the first place. Don’t misunderstand: I want to talk to you. I have been waiting anxiously for six weeks, but you need to put some effort in as well. You have so many options: Facebook, text message, phone call, tweet, direct message, email, skype………….. I am here. I have been waiting. I have made myself available.

I want to understand where we stand. I want to understand what we are. I want to understand how you feel. I want to understand what you are thinking. But I am running out of explanations and excuses. I want to be here for you. I want you period. But you aren’t making it very easy for me. It feels like you are deliberately ignoring me and in the beginning I was okay with it. I had come to terms with it, but then you go and contact me… why?

I have to stop chasing you. I don’t want to which is why I haven’t been successful thus far. But you need to give me the time of day or make me some kind of priority. Because my head is so foggy, I can’t see think straight. One minute I think you are done with me and then the next you throw me a bone, but then you go back to ignoring me. It has to stop. Tell me what you are thinking or what you want or what you feel… even if you know it isn’t what I want to hear. I would appreciate that more than this.

I miss our monologues. I miss our honesty. I miss our laughter. I miss our smiles. I miss you. But I need some answers.

❤ a girl

Fake It Till You Make It

fake it till you make it 2

I am positive that every single person has been told this phrase. Maybe you have been the one to give this advice. Let me be clear: faking it till you make it is bullshit! I hate this phrase more than I hate being told to be yourself. It is nonsense and awful and I never want to hear it again.

Fake It Till You Make It… to me that is encouragement to lie to myself and those around me. How is lying about how I feel and what I think going to help me “make it”? In my experience, this kind of behavior just helps dig a deeper hole into loneliness and hopelessness. If no one knows how you feel because you put on a happy face when you are really dying inside, how will you get help, how will you succeed, how will you get better?

I understand that in situations that make you feel uncomfortable, you need to push through for perhaps a friend or a family member. So I think that it is very important that we be careful when we give this advice. It definitely depends on the situation whether this is good advice or not.

It is a completely different story to tell someone to keep their head up and their thoughts positive. It might be one of those easier-said-than-done type of thing, but at least it is a real encouragement. I believe you can keep your head up while still being honest and open about how you feel inside. You can be a strong person who is struggling.

Maybe it is just the word ‘fake’ or ‘faking’ that I just don’t like. It has such a negative connotation. I don’t want to be fake in any form whether it is just to keep up a specific appearance. That is exactly what I stand against. I have always been an advocate for saying exactly what you think and being exactly how you feel. Being fake (even for the benefit of yourself) isn’t healthy. I think it would be better to be out and about while being vocal or open about not wanting to be… that is a good start in my eyes, because then at least your friends and family know where you stand and how you are instead of thinking you are “better” or happy because that is the face that you put on.

Why can’t we just take off our masks and be real with each other? Then it wouldn’t be so taboo to see people showing different emotions and we wouldn’t feel so alone in ours.

❤ a girl

It’s All Good Until You See Her.

feeling hate

Earlier this year I was stuck in a frustrating situation involving me, a good guy friend, and his girlfriend. If you don’t remember, click here to refresh your memory.

Basically, my good guy friend and I were supposed to grab coffee after my class one night as a belated birthday get together for me and just a regular catch up session, because we hadn’t seen each other in a few months. It was no big deal. Well girlfriend threw a fit and wanted to come, but I was firm that we didn’t need a babysitter. We had it out in a series of text messages and phone calls, but in the end I was impure for hanging out with him, because I was single and he was not. He assured me that this wouldn’t be the end of our friendship, but that they just needed some time.

Needless to say, our friendship has never been the same and since all this went down, I am still not over it.

In the beginning it was extremely raw and I knew that if I even saw her out on the sidewalk I would snap and lose it. But I very rarely ever saw her, so this wasn’t really an issue. I took certain precautions and separated myself from their “group” because I didn’t want to see her and I didn’t really like them anyway. He and I exchanged a few texts and Facebook messages here and there, but we never know what is “acceptable” and I don’t want to get him in trouble (although I do wish he would get his own life and stand up for himself).

I thought that the summer was enough time to heal and be ok about the whole situation, possibly gain a little bit more understanding. I really had thought my hurt feelings had dissipated, but during the first week of school I was manning the checkout line at the bookstore and turned around and saw her smiling face and literally all of these feelings and memories came flooding into my head. She tried to talk to me, but all I wanted to do was slap that stupid smile off her face, so I told her she could go to line 2 instead.

The rest of that day was rough. I was thoroughly shaken from seeing her and all of the repressed feelings of being inadvertently called a slut and losing one of my really good friends occupied my mind and I wanted to lose it all over again. A couple months went by without seeing her and I was doing better or just having meltdowns about other things, but then it happened again…

For the first time ever I was early to my Archaeology class. I went in to claim my seat, but there were still students from the previous lecture milling around. I was waiting at the end of the aisle for the student in my seat to leave and then she made eye contact with me. I dared to look up and of course her stupid smile was plastered across her face as she asked how I was doing. I awkwardly looked down and softly said that I was doing well. My seat was finally empty, so I just went to sit down. Thank God she took that as her cue to leave me be.

As much as I didn’t like her from the start then I disliked her even more after the situation with Bing and I, but then for her to ask me how I was doing… Seriously? How does she think I am doing? Even is she doesn’t keep tabs on me on Facebook (as in reading my posts to my blog on beating my depression), how would she expect someone who was called impure and then lost a good friend to feel? Obviously, she is the last person I want to see or be honest with.

It is so weird how just seeing a certain person can bring back so many memories or feelings or thoughts. She is just associated with such a negative situation and I don’t think I ever have or will forgive her. Now when I see her, it initially freaks me out, but then instead of having hurtful thoughts toward myself, I just kind of feel loathing toward her and how she made me feel in the first place.

I’m still hoping Bing and I can repair things, because I don’t want to give up on my friendships so easily, but she doesn’t make it easy.

❤ a girl

How I Found Happiness

This hit home for me and I feel like I will look at the events of tomorrow differently!

Madame and the Mustache

Happiness is hard to describe. This past New Year’s, I decided to have happiness down as a New Year’s resolution. It may sound vague, or dare I say, stupid, but to me it was a real resolution. I wanted to be happy, really truly happy. I wanted to stop faking happiness, I wanted something real. This seemed like an easy resolution to make, but I had no idea how I was going to achieve it. How does one achieve happiness. Let me tell you, happiness is a way of life.

Happiness can be found in the simplest things. It can be getting your morning coffee just the way you want it, winning concert tickets from a radio show, or going on a really good first date. Your happiness should not rely on someone else. That is not true happiness, at least in my book. My happiness was found in…

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Puzzle Piece

The most basic human desire is to feel like you belong. -Simon Sinek

A big puzzle. That is how I picture my family. Every person is a different piece and then somehow we all fit together. Except sometimes I feel like my piece doesn’t fit.

There is no denying that I belong to this family, because I am practically a spitting image of my father with my mom’s hair and coloring. Boom, proof they are mine. That physical proof doesn’t lie, but there are so many other things about me that make me feel like the odd man out.

I like love reading. I write to express myself. I am chill. I am fairly quiet unless I feel comfortable. None of them enjoy any of that. I don’t mind being different, but sometimes it is hard not being able to relate to them. This makes being around them (especially all at once) very difficult for me.

There are times when I feel like my piece was accidentally thrown into their box and they don’t know what to do with me. Like I am an outsider trying so hard to fit into the one place I am supposed to belong. They don’t necessarily treat me like I am different or love me any less, but that doesn’t mean I don’t see it anyway.

❤ a girl