Rollercoaster. The one word that describes my emotions, my thoughts, and my choices. I have been up and down, back and forth to end up where I started.
I have had a rough time for awhile now, but it mainly started falling apart back in February. Some things happened that I didn’t understand and just completely gave up. I was angry with God, so I decided to ditch the Christian life altogether. I stopped praying, reading my Bible, and going to church; by summer I considered myself a Deist who basically believed God created me, but wanted nothing to do with me.
At first this lifestyle seemed so great. I felt so light and airy with no expectations, but eventually the light and airy feeling changed to empty. I had nothing to believe in and no accountability system, but I was too proud to admit this to anyone. Little by little my negative feelings and thoughts got worse until I was a big ball of anger and hate. I didn’t know what to do and when the good things in my life started going downhill, I completely broke.
Over the past few weeks, I have decided that God isn’t dead to me and that I am not done with my faith. I have chosen to pursue the Lord again. Through so much love and encouragement, I am on the right track. A friend invited me to a homegroup that meets on Wednesdays nights that I have attended twice and now look forward to as well as having the opportunity to go on a retreat with that group that gave me ample time to spend alone with the Lord, listening to others stories of how He has worked in their lives, and some powerful worship.
I am excited about this new journey. Although, I feel like I am back where I started, I am most definitely not. Before February I was going through the motions. I was under the impression that I had to do all of these things to be right with God and to have a relationship with him, but it wasn’t true and by believing that I had all of these expectations that couldn’t be met and I started to become frustrated with myself. Now, I have a much healthier outlook and I am actively pursuing the Lord and learning what He actually means to me. I feel so much stronger in myself now knowing that I am not fighting my battles alone.
❤ a girl