It’s All Good Until You See Her.

feeling hate

Earlier this year I was stuck in a frustrating situation involving me, a good guy friend, and his girlfriend. If you don’t remember, click here to refresh your memory.

Basically, my good guy friend and I were supposed to grab coffee after my class one night as a belated birthday get together for me and just a regular catch up session, because we hadn’t seen each other in a few months. It was no big deal. Well girlfriend threw a fit and wanted to come, but I was firm that we didn’t need a babysitter. We had it out in a series of text messages and phone calls, but in the end I was impure for hanging out with him, because I was single and he was not. He assured me that this wouldn’t be the end of our friendship, but that they just needed some time.

Needless to say, our friendship has never been the same and since all this went down, I am still not over it.

In the beginning it was extremely raw and I knew that if I even saw her out on the sidewalk I would snap and lose it. But I very rarely ever saw her, so this wasn’t really an issue. I took certain precautions and separated myself from their “group” because I didn’t want to see her and I didn’t really like them anyway. He and I exchanged a few texts and Facebook messages here and there, but we never know what is “acceptable” and I don’t want to get him in trouble (although I do wish he would get his own life and stand up for himself).

I thought that the summer was enough time to heal and be ok about the whole situation, possibly gain a little bit more understanding. I really had thought my hurt feelings had dissipated, but during the first week of school I was manning the checkout line at the bookstore and turned around and saw her smiling face and literally all of these feelings and memories came flooding into my head. She tried to talk to me, but all I wanted to do was slap that stupid smile off her face, so I told her she could go to line 2 instead.

The rest of that day was rough. I was thoroughly shaken from seeing her and all of the repressed feelings of being inadvertently called a slut and losing one of my really good friends occupied my mind and I wanted to lose it all over again. A couple months went by without seeing her and I was doing better or just having meltdowns about other things, but then it happened again…

For the first time ever I was early to my Archaeology class. I went in to claim my seat, but there were still students from the previous lecture milling around. I was waiting at the end of the aisle for the student in my seat to leave and then she made eye contact with me. I dared to look up and of course her stupid smile was plastered across her face as she asked how I was doing. I awkwardly looked down and softly said that I was doing well. My seat was finally empty, so I just went to sit down. Thank God she took that as her cue to leave me be.

As much as I didn’t like her from the start then I disliked her even more after the situation with Bing and I, but then for her to ask me how I was doing… Seriously? How does she think I am doing? Even is she doesn’t keep tabs on me on Facebook (as in reading my posts to my blog on beating my depression), how would she expect someone who was called impure and then lost a good friend to feel? Obviously, she is the last person I want to see or be honest with.

It is so weird how just seeing a certain person can bring back so many memories or feelings or thoughts. She is just associated with such a negative situation and I don’t think I ever have or will forgive her. Now when I see her, it initially freaks me out, but then instead of having hurtful thoughts toward myself, I just kind of feel loathing toward her and how she made me feel in the first place.

I’m still hoping Bing and I can repair things, because I don’t want to give up on my friendships so easily, but she doesn’t make it easy.

❀ a girl

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23 thoughts on “It’s All Good Until You See Her.

  1. I have a person that brings back negative suppressed memories, as well. Gladly, I haven’t seen him in a loooong time. It helps to pretend they don’t exist πŸ˜‰ I’m surprised Caleb is still continuing his relationship with her???? Seems bizarre to me!

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  2. I seriously don’t like it when girls try to break the boyfriend’s friendship with every girl.

    Like, they have been the best of friends for years, and you come in now and want to destroy that friendship?

    What bugs me even more are the people who go in a relationship and every friendship ceases to exist for them. :/ Aren’t we good enough now that you are in a relationship?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Both of those frustrate me as well!
      Granted, he and I hadn’t known each other for years, but that changes nothing. I helped him pick out her Christmas present… it wasn’t like we didn’t talk about her. Geez!
      These girls just need to chill.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Amen sister. Trust is the foundation of any relationship, so if you don’t or can’t trust him then what are you doing? Obviously he is going to have a life outside of you (at the office, at the gym, old friends)… it will just drive you insane always wondering.

        Liked by 1 person

      • I sometimes wish to bash their heads for being so stupid but then I won’t be able to read or blog from the jail. :p That keeps me sane. :p

        And what about the guy? Like, hello? I am your friend. Can you just take a goddamn stand and tell that queen of yours that you are not her slave?

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      • OMG girl you tell ’em!! (haha you crack me up. I’d visit you in jail ;P ) You’d think they would defend their friends, but sometimes I think the fear of losing this girl (that for some reason they like so much) is what holds them back.

        Liked by 1 person

      • True, but they should be smart enough to know, that if a new person makes you turn your back to the people who care for you then maybe, just maybe, they need to be a man. :p

        There’s this best friend of mine. We have been best friends for 3 years. He has been so over-consumed by her that I sometimes feel like shaking him back to reality. Whenever he calls he has all sorts of explanations ready but hello boy, I am already hurt.

        I don’t know why but I just let him be and laugh it off while telling him how he hurt me. I think that’s because I trusted him to respect our friendship. Love took our friendship, I guess. He is blindly in love.

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      • I think we have all been there. We don’t want to lose the people we care about so we make them hurting us out to be no big deal. I feel for you girl and I hope it gets better! ❀

        Liked by 1 person

      • I kinda don’t feel for myself anymore. :p From the time I have started blogging I feel no need to be social as a result I don’t know a person in my new college out of the 81 students in my class. Not even their faces, leave alone names. :p Well, I know a few faces but that’s it and it’s already the end of the semester. :p

        I love blogging! πŸ˜€ ❀

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