Gobble. Give Thanks. Gobble.

Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving Friends!!

Confession: Thanksgiving is probably my least favorite holiday. Gasp! Yes, I said it.

It’s not because I don’t like being thankful for the people, things, and happenings in my life, because I am (most of the time) very thankful. It’s more for these three reasons: I don’t like the food, my extended family makes me uncomfortable, and we don’t go about Thanksgiving in the right way.

Let’s all take a second to corporately gasp. Most people’s mouths water when people discuss turkey, stuffing, sweet potatoes, green bean casserole, and all that other stuff, but not me. I cringe at the sight, smell, and thought of Thanksgiving food. My mom always makes mac n cheese just so my brother and I will have something to eat. Oh and I think it is wrong for all of the food to touch on a person’s plate– just throwing that out there.

My extended family is an odd mix of people who for the most part don’t like each other and don’t get along. These facts make our get-togethers very uncomfortable. I absolutely love spending time with my Nana and her husband, but my cousins, aunts, and uncles are another story. They aren’t all bad and they aren’t all bad all the time, but for the majority of the time, I would rather stuff myself in a corner with a book.

When I say we don’t go about Thanksgiving the right way, I mean that in the cheesiest way possible. We rarely even talk about what we are thankful for, because we are all secretly hating on the others and nonchalantly trying not to kill each other. So it is more of a day of working on our patience and keeping our mouths shut.

I dream about when I finally meet someone and get to spend a holiday with a different family. I know this sounds awful, but I just want to get a feel for how others celebrate. When I get married, I want to change the way my family does Thanksgiving. I want to be that family that goes around the table and talks about what they are thankful for. I want to play football and catch in the yard. I want to laugh as we play board games after we are done eating. I want there to be different conversations and interactions. I want to change the way we do Thanksgiving.

These are just dreams right now, but I often look forward to actually looking forward to holidays, because I will be surrounded by genuine love!

❤ a girl

What do your families do for Thanksgiving?

Driveway Campfires and a Whole Lot of Awkward

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It’s Thanksgiving Break, so here I am at home. It is a nice change, but not necessarily super needed since I come home on a fairly regularly basis. But this time a few of my good high school friends are back as well, so of course the most social one wants to have a get together… doesn’t sound so bad except she has a lot of friends outside of our immediate friend group that I don’t necessarily know or get along with.

Well I couldn’t get out of it, so for the past few hours I had been sitting around a campfire in my friend’s driveway trying to act nice and normal for her fake friends that were on the opposite side as me. It was okay at first, but it is hard for me to socialize with people who I know don’t give a flying flapjack about me or my life.

If you have been around a little while you know that I cannot stand fake people. So when her friends, who I haven’t had a nice conversation with since junior high, show up wanting to hug me and inquire about my life at college… forgive me for not jumping into their arms and sharing my innermost thoughts.

It was going okay at first, because I had my best friend beside me (who talked me into going in the first place). She and I were having our own quiet side conversation, so I wasn’t feeling too awkward, but as soon as the rest of the group insisted we tell ghost stories and whatnot I was tightening up. I was sitting so straight with my hands clasped between my crossed thighs and my lips pursed together. I didn’t have anything to say and they weren’t really addressing me; honestly it was like I wasn’t even there and by this point I wasn’t really sure why I was.

When my best friend found an excuse to peace out, I was doomed. I only got more awkward from there as they all talked and laughed about people I didn’t know. I racked my brain for a reason to leave, but was coming up empty. I just sat there all quiet, taking in their carefree demeanors and happiness and knew I needed to get the Hell out of there! I finally just told my friend it was late and I was tired. I hugged her, but didn’t acknowledge anyone else as I scurried away.

Being awkward has just become second nature to me. Over the past year or so (basically since coming to college) I have just felt more and more out of place. I clam up and don’t feel comfortable talking to people. I stumble over my words and would rather melt away. I don’t know how to deal with this new me. I don’t like her, but it’s all I know how to be right now.

❤ a girl

Getting Lost in a Crowd of One

I finally did it! I finally accomplished something on The List.

The MartianLast night, at approximately 10:20, I was sitting alone in an empty theater getting settled to watch The Martian. So I literally went to see a movie by myself, in every sense of the phrase.

See a movie by myself has been something that I have wanted to do for a few years now. Every now and then I get the feeling that I am going to be alone forever and I tell myself it’s okay, because I can do things by myself like eat and see a movie. Well I have never gotten the courage to go, but I have been dying to see The Martian and every attempt I had made at getting someone to go with me failed…

So last night I decided to screw society and their negative outlook on doing things by yourself. Already dressed in my pajamas, I hopped in my car and drove 20 minutes to go see this movie.

When I first pulled up and saw lots of people milling around, I got nervous. Here I was dressed like a hoodlum, alone, going to see a movie that has been out for like a month. I figured the lady behind the counter would wonder why I didn’t have anyone with me and why I was seeing a movie that was so old that no other tickets had been bought. After a little hesitation, I gathered my courage and bought the ticket and walked into the empty theater.

It was kind of like Heaven. I could sit anywhere I wanted. I could take my shoes off and put my feet up on the back of the chair in front of me without feeling bad. I could laugh whenever and however loudly I wanted to. I could talk to the screen without feeling weird… it was a seriously wonderful experience and I couldn’t believe I had waited so long to experience it.

Also, The Martian is a phenomenal movie that I suggest everyone see if you haven’t already. It had me on the edge of my seat, cracking up, and tearing up. It was incredible and I honestly can’t even describe it. It was one of those seriously inspirational movies that makes you wonder. Just plain wonderful!!

I no longer have a negative stigma against seeing movies alone and I can honestly say that I plan to do this many many more times in the future.

❤ a girl

Thankful For Closure

The crickets are gone!

All of my badgering paid off, because today the silence was replaced with words. Wonderful, wonderful words!!

I couldn’t just give up. Sure, I acted as if I was done. I said I had come to terms with everything. I insinuated that I was moving on. Well this was all untrue. I was still periodically messaging and calling every few days. They all went unanswered until today.

Anytime I am dealing with something confusing, I think about my guy, because he always had a knack for helping me see a little clearer. Well I decided to go at it again, because I desperately needed to hear something. I decided to send an email first, but then I chose to torture myself some more and look at our Facebook messages. He was online, so I took the plunge and sent the most honest message I could muster hoping something would get through.

Then it happened, the little ding that occurred when the person has read your message. My hand started shaking, because this hadn’t happened in over 9 weeks. Then the little gray dots appeared and I almost went into shock. Then his reply popped up and a tear escaped my eye.

I took a deep breath and read his words. His words. His words. My guy had finally given me what I had been seeking for so long. He didn’t hate me. He wasn’t mad at me. He just needed some distance to pull his life back together. I slowly let out my breath and let a few other tears escape.

Y’all might think I am crazy, but I don’t care. I wasn’t hoping for nothing. I didn’t believe for nothing. This is progress and I am so so so thankful!! I do not want to be someone who gives up when things get hard or confusing. I want to be patient and understanding and, most importantly, forgiving.

Closure is bittersweet, but welcomed nonetheless.

❤ a girl

I Have No Default Feeling

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Sassy. Sweet. Sarcastic. Sad. Spazzy. Shocked. Energetic. Awkward. Quiet. Loud. Joyful. Talkative. Angry. Unsure. Irritated. Prissy. Happy. Depressed.

I do not believe that people have set characteristics or a default setting. I don’t think there are happy people and sad people. I think that we get to choose how we feel. I think we get to choose how we let the situations life throws our way affects and changes us.

Everyone has different sides that show at different times. There are some people who know me as the loudest, spazziest, most outspoken person they have ever encountered, yet there are some people who have never heard me say a word and witness me trip over my own feet.

I have certain friends who get the privilege of hearing my rants, others who only hear about the good moments, and those really special ones who get to enjoy both. Some people have never heard me raise my voice where others have endured my angry wrath. Sometimes I let loose, but most of the time I clam up.

Just call me queen of the eye-roll, master of car concerts, never-miss-a-beat opinion giver, and administer of the silent treatment. I am not one thing, but multiple things and I believe that everyone is this way.

So be sure to think twice before jumping to conclusions when someone is acting different… We cannot expect someone to be the same at all times in all situations. I change. You change. They change. This makes us people.

❤ a girl