It had been about a month since I had been home, so going back this past weekend was a mix of feelings. Home is one of my favorite places to be, but I wasn’t enjoying all of the memories this time around. Yesterday, I was having a fantastic day spending time with my mom and then my phone lights up with a response to a group message and my whole day goes downhill from there.
Two words. That’s all it took to spin my mind into all different kinds of directions. Two stupid words from one specific person. I wish people’s actions and non-actions didn’t affect me so much, but honestly I can’t help it. Well late that night I was coming home from a birthday party that didn’t help my mindset at all and I ended up in my high school parking lot.
I just sat there in my car staring at this building that holds so many memories. It was like staring at a pitchfork. The left prong signifies what I used to dream my life would look like. The right prong signifies how I currently dream my life will look like. The middle prong signifies how my life is actually going. Sadly as I looked at this picture, my life doesn’t seem to be looking at all what I hoped or what I hope it would. Then I lost it.
There are days I just feel so lost. My college experience sucks. My friends are all excelling and changing. My family is constantly growing together and then falling apart. My mind is a warzone. Most days I don’t know who I am or where I am going. I just feel stuck and alone and pathetic. I desperately want some kind of direction and an identity.
As I sat there in that parking lot, I thought a lot about the girl who used to walk those halls. I thought about her smile, her laughter, her attitude, her friends, her dreams. I thought about how one of my friends told me that she missed the old me, the one who was her best friend. Then I lost it all over again. That girl wasn’t always all smiles and sass… she had many nights of tears and many walks alone in the park; she was just better at hiding it.
I don’t think I can be that girl again. So much has happened since I was 14, a wide-eyed freshman, and 18, a hopeful senior. I can’t just go back and forget all that has happened to me, all that I have felt, all that I have been told, all that has surfaced… it has scarred me and shaped me. I don’t think I can be that girl again, but what does that mean for me?
❤ a girl