Hope Soars High to Fall Short

Lauren, don’t get your hopes up. I am happy for you, but I don’t want to see you get hurt. These were the words I heard or read in some way or another after I told select few friends that I had finally heard back from him.

Of course I assured them all that I was just excited to hear something and that I was going to wait and see how it plays out. Lie. The second I received the first reply I was already done for. My mind was filled with conversations, laughs, smiles, possible reunion of sorts. I had so much hope that everything would go back to normal and be better again. Ha!

I was sifting through my drafts and came across this letter I wrote back on October 20th:

Dear you,

Will you still want me when you come back

and read what I have been going through?

Will you still think I am worth it?

Will you still think I am special?

Will you still think I am just right?

I hope so.

I still want you.

I still think you are worth it.

I still think you are special.

I still think you are the right amount.

Normal is boring anyway.

Or so you always say.

❤ a girl

As it turns out, I believe I already have my answer to these questions.

No. No. No. No.

As painful as it is to accept these no’s, it amazes me how different I feel now. I am becoming accustomed to the silent treatment. There are phases to this: I was in denial I suppose, bundling myself up in hope and faith, but now I am moving to the anger stage. Every time I see that my message has been read and ignored, it pisses me off as opposed to springing tears to my eyes.

I think I will always have a soft spot in my heart when it comes to him, but I have to let my relentless hope go. My friends were right to warn me that this would happen even though I didn’t listen, but I think I am officially ready to say goodbye. I can’t continue to accept this kind of treatment for myself.

The quote: “If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you. You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot.” keeps coming to mind. I told him that I would fight for him, that I wasn’t done, but I can’t fight for someone who doesn’t want to be fought for. I can’t be attached to any more one-sided relationships. They don’t build me up; they only break me down over and over again. I just can’t handle it and honestly I shouldn’t have to.

I stand by the second half of that letter. Those weren’t lies, but I cannot continue to be as invested as I was. He has to make an effort and step up, because I am worthy of much more than the nothing I am receiving. I have to stand up for myself.

So this is goodbye.

❤ a girl

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4 thoughts on “Hope Soars High to Fall Short

    • Really? Thank you!!
      I have realized how iffy I am when it comes to him, but this is it. This whole thing is no longer healthy on my end, so I am ready (really!) to end it. It stops here.
      I truly appreciate all your support in my wishy-washy-ness! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

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