Depression is a sly thing. It can creep up on you when you least expect it and cause your emotions to go haywire at the flip of a switch.
Just two days ago, I wrote to all of you and said how great I was doing. I wrote about how excited I was to return to this blog and start writing again. I hadn’t had any depressive episodes in about a month. I had been doing so well. It’s funny how it only takes one moment to destroy everything you had worked so hard to become.
If it isn’t obvious, this post is to tell you to please disregard that last post, because I have fallen. Yesterday I had a major breakdown and it hasn’t really stopped since all of it went down. Granted, it was a deserved breakdown, but a closet-bound evening of tears no less.
I never got a chance to tell y’all about my first official relationship. It lasted all of three weeks and as of yesterday it is over (sort of). That’s the thing: it was going so well. Carrot was wonderful, cheesy, sweet, weird, nerdy, tall, Christian. We got along so well and had lots of fun together. Then Saturday night he decides to tell me that he isn’t sure if he wants a relationship with me. It isn’t that he doesn’t want me, it’s that he’s not sure if he does…. um WTF! Isn’t the opposite of one, the other? Of course it cannot be that easy and here I am (again!) left not being good enough to be chosen, fought for, or sacrificed for.
Every time I would go to leave, he would say that he didn’t want me to go, that he didn’t want me out of his life. I assured him I wouldn’t just disappear, but you can’t have it both ways. He wants to just be friends while he figures it all out. That’s great, except I can’t just flip the freaking switch and go back to just seeing him as a friend. No freaking way! But I am me, so I agreed to give it a shot. I don’t hate him, although I probably should, but I feel like he is trying to do the right thing in his own way.
We agreed to meet at the library today to study as friends between our classes. He said he would call me and tell me where. I got to the library and waited 15 minutes. No call. No text. No him. Deep down I knew he wouldn’t show. I called him. No answer. I called him again once I left the library. He answered, said he slept in and was getting ready. I knew this would happen. I knew he wouldn’t make trying to be friends with me a priority. So here I am, back to where I always am.
On Saturday, after he told me all of that, we agreed to still go to his friend’s game night. We had a great time and he started acting normal again, so I thought all was well and we were going to make all this work. I showed up the next morning to take him to church. We sat together, we joked in the car, all was well. Then as we are pulling up to his house, he says it again: he isn’t sure if I am what he wants. So we have this conversation again. This time we conclude that we are going to scale back on how often we see each other and all that jazz; all is well. We go inside, make lunch, watch tv… and then a couple hours later we are having the conversation again.
This time it was harder. I cried. I didn’t want to, but sometimes I can’t handle being told I am not good enough over and over again. At least this time I was worth a conversation (or three), because last time I wasn’t even worth a goodbye. It is just hard to hear that he cares about me and that I am wonderful, but still he isn’t sure. We migrated outside. Still can’t let go, but still not sure. He hugs me. It’s warm and tight. But he still isn’t sure. I finally get to my car and as he walks back inside, I absolutely freaking lose it.
I lose it, because I want to be good enough so bad. I lose it, because I know we would have been great. I lose it, because he is pushing me away, because I am something good he doesn’t think he deserves. I lose it, because I knew this was bound to come. I lose it over and over again for the next hour just sitting outside his house. Then I finally leave, make it home, and lose it again curled up in my closet. The tears just wouldn’t stop.
I know what y’all are going to say. That I deserve better. That I should let him go. That I should hate him. That I should walk away and never look back. That I am worth it. But right now I just want him to make a choice. I want him to choose me.