In the two and a half months that I gave up writing, I chose to really focus on figuring out who I want to be and how I was going to get to that. I worked on being a good, responsible mom to my puppy [Winnie]. My boyfriend [Jeremiah] and I spent time getting closer through fun times and hard questions. I went on an overwhelming yet wonderful adventure traveling to four states I had never been to. I met people who will undoubtedly be my family one day and they treated me, essentially a stranger, with more love and kindness than I could have imagined. I grew to appreciate my family more. I learned even more of what it means to be a true friend. I claimed my faith and have begun to accept God and the grace he so freely gives.
So my break was great, but I couldn’t help, but miss the community here and the voice that I have. I had all of these words and ideas all jumbled up in my head, but had nowhere to put them. I am also so humbled by the response that my last post received. I was sad to go, but I am in a better place now, so I am choosing to come back and be heard.
I heard a song on the radio last night called Let It Fade by Jeremy Camp. As I listened, I just felt this sense of peace. I could finally breathe realizing that everyone makes mistakes, everyone loses their way, everyone falls down. I wasn’t the first or only person to screw up royally and feel that there is no way back. In the song, he asks some questions:
Have you helped yourself to everything that’s empty?
Have you been looking for a place where you belong?
Have you been holding on to what this world has offered?
Have you been giving in to all these masquerades?
The answer to all of them was yes. At first, I was thinking wow… I can’t believe all of this describes me… how could I have gone so wrong? But then he goes on to say:
You can rest, you will find rest.
Let this old life crumble, let it fade.
Let this new life offered be your saving grace.
I did have a way out. I don’t have to be defined by the mistakes and choices I have made in the past. I am not chained down by them anymore. They happened, but I am washed clean. God gives grace, so we can move on and start again. We are going to mess up. I am going to mess up, but that fact is inevitable, so I am just going to give every day my best shot and ask forgiveness when it is necessary, but keep going and not let mistakes and failures hold me back.
Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has gone, the new has come.
-2 Corinthians 5:17