Stick In The Mud

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stick in the mud: (n) a person who is dull and unadventurous and who resists change

Something I need to face is how people view me. I like to claim that I don’t care what people think, but everyone knows this is a lie. No matter how hard I try to just be me and do my own thing, somewhere deep down inside I am consciously analyzing what those around me think. Some may say that I do this because I am shallow or that it is natural and everyone – on some level – thinks about how they are viewed, but I attribute it to how I was treated when I was younger.

You may be thinking that I was bullied, but I would not call it that. What happened to me was not on purpose and it was not intended to be hurtful. As far back as I can remember, I have been endlessly teased by family and friends about being a “stick in the mud” and that I need to loosen up and try to have a good time. I cannot even count all the times I have been told this in some way or another. Most people would laugh it off, move on, not think about it again, but for me it replays in my mind constantly. Whenever I am at a party or event or just hanging out with friends, I am so consciously aware of when I laugh, smile, speak… Instead of helping me loosen up and get out of my head, being told that just made me more self-conscious and awkward.

I know I am not the life of the party, but I have never felt that I am boring or dull, but after being told that so many times, somewhere along the line I started to believe it. I found that I was smiling and laughing less, I lost any desire to hang out with people, and I criticized every social decision I made. Now after an awkward situation, fight with a friend, or difficult day, I come home and have a meltdown instead of shaking it off. Now, I cry about being unmemorable, easily forgotten, boring, dull. I feel as if my personality is lacking somehow in comparison to everyone else.

I know these things I feel are irrational, but sometimes I analyze my life or my self and I can see how I am a stick in the mud and it creates this hate toward myself and this ache in my chest. I want to be liked and accepted for who I am, not called names in a joking manner. I really wish people would understand that just because something is said in a way that is meant to not be taken to heart, literally, or seriously, doesn’t mean it hurts any less. I know my friends and family were not trying to hurt me or make me self-conscious, but they did anyway and their words don’t just go away. It altered how I see myself and it has proven to be a long road ahead to repair the damage.

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8 thoughts on “Stick In The Mud

    • Yes… but I can never stay gone for long. It is kind of a long story of ups and downs and it involves people. Basically, I had this best friend whom I wrote about on here and she got mad and said all these awful things and then said we couldn’t be friends if I continued blogging. I managed to stop for about two months or so, but she still wouldn’t speak to me, so I started up again. Then I felt it was detrimental, so I stopped again, but then I wanted to write my thoughts, so I started again. Then I got busy, so my posts fizzled out, but now I am feeling inspired…… anywho it’s a rollercoaster! 🙂

      Oh ya? Would you mind sharing your experiences?

      Liked by 1 person

  1. First and foremost, I am glad you are back! It’s hard when people have told you something about yourself your entire life. I don’t think you sound like a stick in the mud. I think you like a lot of us struggle. I know one day you will find that perfect niche where nobody can say you’re awkward and you will thrive. Do what makes you feel happy ❤

    ps: I used to think I was so confident but my therapist just told me she thinks a lot of my issues are from a secret lack of it. You're not alone.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you! I am very glad to be back. 🙂
      And thank you for that as well… I have to tell myself constantly that I am find just the way I am and there is nothing wrong with my personality. I have always been a firm believer that people are not the same in every situation… I have the tendency to morph into what I think the situation calls for (which sometimes is a bad thing), but I just wish people would just accept me and stop constantly trying to tell me how I can be “better”.
      Does seeing a therapist help you? I have been toying with the idea and I think talking to an unbiased third party would really help me sort out my thoughts.

      Liked by 1 person

      • It’s really hard at first but it helps. I’ve been super down and depressed in the last week and talking to my therapist yesterday helped a lot! It’s not easy but it’s nice to have a stranger to talk to. She helps me to realize somethings I feel/think are crazy while others are normal.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Aw, This really hit me. I know what it feels like. I, myself experienced the same thing but in different personality(attribute). It’s kinda rough to show and to understand who you really are, if people around you (especially if it’s your family) saying how they viewed or see you but In reality you’re not like that.

    “..but after being told that so many times, somewhere along the line I started to believe it”, well, just like you mentioned, it’s really possible that you will start to believe it and you will be occupied with conformity that you need to be something you’re not in order to be accepted by other people.

    But that’s the reality, we have a great need of acceptance, we truly are but what we need to remember, is to never let that need of acceptance be a hinder in defining who you really are. That we should not become someone else definition, we should be a definition of ourselves.

    I hope you will be okay (or maybe you’d already deal with this already). I am glad that I’ve read your post, somehow it lessen my loneliness, knowing someone had experienced that same thing as I did.
    Sending my virtual hugs for you!! 🙂 xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    • xoxo right back to you! ❤
      Thank you immensely for taking the time to not only read my post, but leave such a heartfelt comment. It brings me great joy to read that writing about something I have gone through actually resounded with someone else! I think you are absolutely right about not letting that need of acceptance be a hinder in defining who you really are… that, I feel, is one of those concepts that we want to believe so much, but fail to execute once our people-pleasing comes out. I would like to think that I am okay, but I will admit that this will be something I probably deal with for the rest of my life, but these thoughts are becoming more and more faint as I grow up and learn more about myself.

      P.S. I tried to visit your site, but it is private… if you ever need someone to read what you are going through, I would love to be there for you! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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