This time last year I was getting out of an awful, unhealthy relationship. My first relationship. It was a hard, eye-opening experience that left me confused and depressed, but it also showed me who I really was and what I really wanted. Through this process, I grew closer to my best gal friend and my best friend turned into the love of my life.
You know how people tell you that difficult or confusing times will turn into stories later on that you can laugh about? Well, I never truly understood that statement until I went through this whole mess. The story of how my best gal friend, my boyfriend, and I became the dynamic three amigos we are now is a fun one, but it was full of confusing and downright messed up twists and turns. As painful as last January and early February was – being broken-up with, spiraling into a depressive episode, and feeling worthless – I wouldn’t trade all the confusion and hurt. For the most part, I pretend like last January never happened. I have struck the happenings of the whole month from my memory, but when I think really hard about it, I am grateful to have had my heart go through such agony, because it showed me the good that was right in front of my face. I knew Jeremiah before choosing to date Q. I tell myself that if I had just said no to Q, I could have been with Jeremiah sooner and would have saved myself all the heartache, but truth be told, I think I would have taken Jeremiah’s goodness for granted had I not experienced being used by Q.
As I was reading through some of my posts from last year, I am appalled at how I let Q get off so easy. He literally used me for company by pretending to be interested in me and then when the guilt finally caught up to him, he couldn’t just admit it, but instead decided to break-up with me and reel me back in three times. It was traumatizing to say the least and really messed with my self-esteem. But as I reflected back, I literally kept saying that I wasn’t angry with him and I didn’t hate him, which I am sure I thought was the correct way to go about it, but I think it would have been okay to claim that I was angry and I did despise him. I said at one point that I would just have to accept that I would always care about him – wrong! – I no longer think about him and I definitely do not care about him. And not only is that okay, it is good! It proves that he no longer has a hold over me.
The quote in the image at the top of the page reminded me of this time in my life. This time of trying to regain my confidence after having my heart and mind dragged through the mud. Before Q, I was strong and confident, but afterward I felt betrayed and I felt ashamed that I fell for his tricks. It took time and a lot of patience for me to break out of this shell and to not be fearful of opening up and taking risks. To that I owe a huge thank you to Jeremiah. He was my rock through finding myself, if you will, again. He helped me in ways he will never ever understand, but it was the first time I had felt blind love from someone. Jeremiah didn’t swoop in and try and be my boyfriend, instead he took time to just be there as whatever I needed. He quickly became my best friend and now I love him with every fiber in my being.
In the end, I have come to appreciate slow and messy beginnings. Sometimes the things you think will ruin your life or change who you are, can bring out better things you never imagined!