Too Young For This

weird face

Deer is getting married to one of my other good friends and I am a bridesmaid. It was super sweet of her to ask me and I was delighted to say yes. Last night I got an invitation to her lingerie shower and my first thought was that I was too young to be going to something like that.

It is weird for me to think about being twenty and entering this new stage where my friends are going to start settling down and getting married and having children. I have to attend a lingerie shower for goodness sake which requires me to have to pick out something for my friend to where while sleeping with my other friend.

I know this is natural. I know they are in love. I am so happy for them. But it doesn’t make it any less awkward for me. Maybe it’s because I’m immature in these areas or because this is the first time I have been in this situation, but I don’t know how to feel about it.

I want to be cool about this whole thing. I want to be outwardly excited for them instead of having my cheeks turn bright red. Why does that happen? When do I cross over that line from being a kid to being an adult. Technically I have been an adult for two years. I’m in freaking college, yet I still don’t feel like one.

When does this change? Is there anything I can do to start feeling like an adult; to start accepting all of this?

❤ a girl

Validity

validation 3Today I had lunch with a friend whom I haven’t seen in a couple of months. I will admit that I was nervous about meeting with her. She is a friend that I met at the BSM (Baptist Student Ministry) here on campus. We were pretty close for awhile, but I have shared that I am not as into my faith as I used to be. I have chosen to take a step back and reevaluate what I believe and think is important and why. My friend is very self-assured and confident in her faith, who she is, and who she wants to be. She doesn’t sugar coat her want for everyone to believe what she does, so I wasn’t sure what I was walking into with this lunch.

I didn’t feel that I was avoiding her personally, but more avoiding what she stood for and the people that she surrounded herself with. [There were other friends I cut off as well in this search…] So I met up with her figuring it was just a ploy to get me to come back to the BSM, since I kind of quit cold turkey and never explained myself (which I still don’t feel like I have to). At first it was not exactly awkward, but really surface-level. We talked about school, the weather, how we were each doing. Blah blah blah…

But like I was expecting, she asked what I had been up to and why she hadn’t seen me around. I beat around the bush when she initially asked, not wanting to get the lecture that I expected her to give me. Well she kept prodding me and finally I gave in and started explaining the breakdown I had a few months ago and how my ideas and views had changed a bit. I was so anxious about telling her this that I literally destroyed the hair tie that I had around my wrist.

To my horror, she just kept nodding and told me that she completely understood where I was coming from and she was proud of me. What? I was really confused, because that is not the response I was expecting. But she was really cool about it and told me that she had thought this may be what I was dealing with and she was proud of me for trying to figure out my faith for myself. Although I wasn’t looking for her validation, because at the moment I am at a point where I don’t care what anybody thinks, but it was nice to just get a nod/smile instead of a lecture.

I left refreshed and agreed to hang out with her again. I finally felt like she was my friend rather than a parent, which was how I sometimes felt about her before. It was a nice exchange and I feel better after having talked to her about it. Sometimes acceptance, even when you aren’t looking for it, can really help.

❤ a girl

Talk Nerdy to Me

being yourself 8Awhile back, Elephant told me that her boyfriend and some of his friends were having a Star Wars marathon and said I was welcome to join them. I jumped on the invitation, because it is not everyday that someone invites you to do something like this. Turns out Elephant wasn’t really into Star Wars, so I sat on the couch engrossed in the saga with the eight of the nerdiest guys I have ever met.

It was really fun and took us fourteen hours to complete, but now that I look back on it, I felt so included. I complain that I have perfected being a good “girl” friend, but it’s times like these when I appreciate the fact that guys can be themselves around me. Occasionally they would apologize for saying something that they probably shouldn’t in front of a female, but for the most part they just spoke to me and joked with me like I was just another person.

Well today I was invited to another movie marathon. It was supposed to be Indiana Jones, but one of the guys forgot the movies, so we ended up watching Back to the Future instead. I love the first one in the trilogy, so I was down to watch them. I actually took a few cat naps during the next two movies, but overall it was super fun and I was the only girl there, because Payton was out of town. It really meant a lot that they still included me even though she couldn’t come.

They are such an interesting group of guys. They actually watch these movies with the subtitles on, because they literally quote and commentate throughout the entire thing. Most of them are RTVF (Radio Television Film) majors, so they know what they are talking about, but even being an outsider I enjoy listening to them argue about actors, scenes, and other stuff. They know where all the mess ups are located and have so many jokes.

I never would have thought that I would fall in with such a nerdy group of guys, but I really enjoy hanging out with them and not being judged for being into superhero movies or other nerdy things. I appreciate that they understand that although I am a girl and like girly things, I can also be into other things as well.

Today was a much needed day to remind myself of who I am. With all the frustrations with my roommate and my own mind, it was nice to remember that being me is absolutely ok!

❤ a girl

Making Mistakes

mistakes 1

“I should have made more mistakes.”

Someone on my Facebook feed had shared an image that Humans of New York had posted. I heard about the group, but had never really been interested in what they did. But out of curiosity, I clicked on the shared post and got sucked into looking at all the pictures and reading all of the stories that were being told. Some in one sentence and others in a few. It is an incredible thing the HONY people are doing and I wanted to share this one.

I felt so much affirmation from just seeing this one photograph in relation to that one quotation. I shared previously about how I have lived my life as a goody-two-shoes and I have tried to be as perfect as I can. I have always cared way too much about what people think and how they will react to the decisions I make, therefore I don’t stay out late or do anything remotely questionable. It is also why this blog is not posted to my social media. I am afraid of what people will think or say or react toward me if they knew my thoughts or feelings.

For a while now I have felt that I have lived an extremely sheltered life. I think it originated from me being sheltered as a kid, but this is weird for me to think about, because my parents didn’t ever sit me down and tell me I couldn’t do certain things. It was just an understood kind of thing. I understood that drinking and drugs were bad, so I surrounded myself with people who felt the same way, so I was never around that kind of behavior. I understood that cussing was looked down upon, so I chose to surround myself with people who didn’t use bad language, so I wasn’t tempted to as well.

All of this started changing when I got my first job, which was in the restaurant business, and was surrounded by different kinds of people of all ages who drank, smoked, and cussed. It was so normal for them. I held my ground at first, because of my fear, anxiety, and insecurities. I knew how to be the good girl who believed a, b, and c, but I wasn’t well versed in how to “be bad” or just do things, because I can and not have to apologize for them.

I am slowly figuring out that making mistakes and figuring it all out isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes it makes you a bigger and better person, because you can actually relate to people and know for sure how you feel about something. I went through a phase awhile back where I decided that cussing at work wasn’t such a big deal, now I don’t cuss on a regular basis, but I also don’t judge those who do. Last weekend I decided to drink for the first time, it is definitely not going to be something I do every night, but letting loose every once in awhile isn’t so bad and now I understand the appeal it has. Tomorrow I am thinking about getting acrylic nails just because I haven’t done it before and I have always wondered what it would be like.

It has taken me a long time to realize it, but making mistakes is a very important part of life and I am excited to embark on this journey of just doing things and not having to apologize for them.

❤ a girl

Finding My Somewhere

place for meSometimes I feel out of place. Sometimes I don’t feel like I belong. Sometimes I feel like the odd-man-out. Sometimes I feel lonely in a crowd. Sometimes I feel like I am the only one. Sometimes I feel my voice isn’t heard. Sometimes I feel lost. Sometimes I feel nothing at all.

I want to know what it is like to learn, grow, and flourish while being comfortable in my own skin. When I was younger (before senior year of high school) I was so bold and sure of myself. Then, like a flip of a switch, I wasn’t inside and out. I could still talk the talk on the outside, but on the inside I was falling apart and so insecure.

To this day I am like that. Just a few weeks ago, I was talking to this guy and at one point he said I talked to much and it got annoying. Of course there were other negative things said, but when I was telling my friend about it, I told her what he said, but then I followed up with “I don’t care, because I love myself a little too much”. The fact was that as much as I do love myself and all of my quirks, I did care what he said. I shouldn’t, but what if that is my hindrance to be in a relationship.

I didn’t appreciate the fact that he was trying to make me feel uncomfortable about my personality. My blunt, talkative demeanor is something that I define myself by and he was compromising that shell. Sadly, he was a co-worker, so for the few days after that we worked together, I no longer felt at ease at work. Being at work had always been a place that I could be me and others appreciated it, but with his condescending attitude there, it became a place I no longer wanted to be.

My ‘somewhere’ isn’t just a physical destination (although I can’t wait to find somewhere to settle down that I can call my future), but also a mental one. A place of comfort with my friends, my choices, my body, and my personality. A place where being me is something to be proud of instead of something to be questioned. I know my ‘somewhere’ is out there and I am going to find it.

❤ a girl