A Bout of Disappointment

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Over the past few months, I have been not doing and being what has been deemed typical of me. I have been striving to figure out how I want to define myself. I have been trying to experience things that would have been uncharacteristic of me in the past. I have been enlightened by what I have found.

One of the out-of-the-ordinary things that I did was start an unlikely friendship [I use this term very loosely, because I have no idea what we are] with this guy I met online. When I say it like that, it sounds like I was looking for something, but I wasn’t. It was extremely out-of-the-blue and when we first started talking, I had no idea he was even male.

We talked about everything and the more we talked, the more I realized we really got along. We were different, but that made it interesting. We were alike, but that made it familiar. Not only did we text, but we skyped too. As the days of talking for hours passed, I grew to really like him.

It is no secret I am unfamiliar with feelings like this. I read and watch people develop crushes, but to actually feel that myself for someone I had never actually met seemed stupid and ridiculous, but there I was. I wasn’t able to dismiss my feelings completely, because it all felt so genuine. He listened to me. He seemed interested. He smiled (God, do I love his smile!). He made me feel. There was no doubt in my mind that I was falling for him.

So, I had a thought. I took a leap. I fell back down.

Every so often I would hint that I wanted to meet him. I thought I was being very subtle, but that didn’t seem to be getting me anywhere. We had been talking for almost a month when I brought up that I wanted to visit him. One night I couldn’t sleep, so I planned it all out – by car and by plane. He seemed excited about the idea and told me to give him 48 hours to figure it out. Two days came and went with him saying nothing about it, so yesterday I asked whether he had figured it out and what I got was not what I was expecting… I wouldn’t be able to go, because his mom had planned a camping trip the weekend I hoped to come.

To say I wasn’t immensely disappointed would be an understatement. I knew it was a long-shot, but I had really let my imagination run wild and my hopes were up high. I had thought about all we would be able to do and talk about. I imagined getting to actually see his smile and feel what it was like to have his stare melt my insides. I imagined getting to have his arms around me in a tight embrace and actually hear the sound of his laugh. I imagined getting to actually smack his chest at the snarky comments he makes. I imagined getting to look into his eyes and experience their vivid color. All without a crappy internet connection altering it.

Of course when he told me this I acted casual about it. I told him it was no big deal that we would find a different time. But the thing is… he joined the military and only has a couple months until he ships out. Is it really wrong for me to want to meet him before he leaves? He isn’t going off to war or anything, but that is weeks upon weeks of not being able to see him. I plan to write letters – lots and lots – but part of me was hoping to have an experience or a picture of us together.

Don’t get me wrong, I am content with just talking to him. His words get to me every time, but I thought it wasn’t by accident that he didn’t have to leave for two months. But maybe it is too soon for me to meet him. I thought for sure I would be anxious about it, but I was more giddy and excited. As much as I had looked forward to that weekend, I am glad he gets to have that time with his mom, because I couldn’t even imagine what it is like to have your son embark on a journey such as this.

But letting the whole thing go has been more difficult than I thought it would be. Understanding that there is another weekend out there. Realizing that we’ve made it this far; some more months won’t kill us. Believing I am strong and knowing I will write some wonderful, funny, and heart-felt letters. Embracing the adventure that awaits.

With all that being said, I ask myself — Is it wrong for me to feel this way?

❤ a girl

Highways Can Lead You Anywhere

freedomLast night I had the opportunity to meet an author. I looked up directions to the venue and it was about an hour away. I was so nervous, because getting there involved all of these highways and a foreign place I had never been. I asked myself how badly I wanted to go, but it wasn’t everyday you get to listen to a successful author speak.

Did I mention I was going to this thing by myself?

I have always wanted to go to events like this and not feel obligated to find someone to go with me. Like if there was a speaker on campus I wanted to hear or a movie I wanted to see… I have always felt that going to something alone was a negative thing, but last night I took the plunge and I felt empowered.

So I plugged the address into my phone and set out for my destination. It started me on a familiar highway, but not soon after I was merging onto a huge toll road. I gripped the steering wheel, because I had no clue what lane to be in, but I decided to take a deep breath and enjoy the ride.

At the beginning of the journey there weren’t that many cars on the road and as I flew down the highway, I glanced up at all the adjoining highways over my head and all of the highways that merge from both sides. It hit me then that highways can lead you anywhere and everywhere you want to go. They are means to escape. It amazed me that if you wanted to just get lost and find somewhere you’ve never been, you could just get on a highway and go- take a right here, merge onto here, take this loop, exit here, take a left here, and BOOM a new destination you never thought to go where no one will find you.

As I was sitting in traffic on one highway, I looked at all the cars around me for miles and it blew my mind again that there are this many people around me that I don’t know; all with families, jobs, feelings, and trying to get somewhere just like me. In that one moment, sitting in traffic on a five lane highway, I felt so connected to the people around me.

Next time you feel alone, I encourage you to leave wherever you are around 5:30 and make your way to a crowded highway and take in all the other people in the same boat as you…

❤ a girl

The Best Friend Life

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You know that quote: “Friendship isn’t about whom you have known the longest, but who came and never left your side.” This is exactly the case when it comes to my best friend, Sloth (all my besties really!). I met Sloth my freshman year of high school in Spanish 2 class. We were the youngest students in the class and really bonded together in there, but weren’t best friends right off the bat. Our journey to where we are now was a process and I still remember the awkward first time “hanging out” when her she came with her mom to pick me up to go to the movies and our parents had to meet.

One of the greatest things about us is that we are opposites. I am the type that takes everything to heart whereas Sloth doesn’t give a flying pancake about anything. I am good with just passing, As and Bs would be nice, but as long as I graduate whereas Sloth strives to be the absolute best at whatever she does. I am incapable of participating in any physical activity whereas Sloth was a club volleyball star. Over time we just grew to accept each other as is and we have withstood so much with this attitude.

For a long time I went through friends like tissues. There with this running joke that my friend’s expired; they normally had a six month to year running time and then they would leave me or I would get tired of them. I am proud to say that Sloth surpassed her expiration date by a long shot (5 years and 7 months!). It also used to be bother me that none of my childhood friends ever stuck around, but now that I have Sloth, and a few others, none of that matters to me. Some of the best people come to you later in life.

Sadly, Sloth and I didn’t have the same spring break this year, but luckily we had one overlapping weekend. We took advantage and met up today for chitchat, lunch, and book shopping. At lunch, Sloth told me that her mom had asked what her plans were and when she told her that we would probably grab lunch and then sit on the couch and do nothing, her mom looked horrified (which is shocking seeing as this is what we always do). Her mom said we should go do something fun, but that is fun to us. In our opinion, the reason to have a best friend is so that we can don’t always have to have a plan, but instead just be lazy and do nothing or something spontaneous.

We excel at doing individual things together. Back in high school we were a part of the a bunch of the same clubs and organization. For DECA, we made it to state and international competition and I remember everyone out going on the town and Sloth and I (the grandmas that we were) were in bed by 9:30 and each reading a separate book. To us, that is fun! Not always having to impress each other or top our last adventure is the way to go.

Even though Sloth and I go to different universities two hours apart, I never feel like she is out of reach. Even though Sloth can’t respond to a text message promptly to save her life, I always know she’ll answer we I really need her. I have no doubt that we will be friends forever. As cliche as that is, I know that it is true. We just do what we want, when we want, how we want and we just don’t care what anyone has to say about it.

So shout-out to Sloth for being my bestest friend! I am so thankful for her!

❤ a girl

Just a Little Rebellion

rebellion 1I have always been a goody-two-shoes. It was the way I defined myself. I’m kind of a stick-in-the-mud, because I don’t know how to have fun nor do I understand humor. I have always been afraid to bend or break the rules. I have always cared a lot about how people would view me if they ever found out I did… [insert activity here].

Lately I have been thinking and I realized that I kind of have no stories to tell. Now I know you don’t always have to be doing something illegal or against the rules to have story, but I came to the conclusion that I don’t have very many experiences. I have never drank, used drugs (although I have no desire to), smoked, kissed anyone, had sex…. I have just felt that I am missing out on something.

So last night I went to a movie and dinner with a couple friends. We had a nice night, but I had gone home and was in bed by 10. Around midnight, Elephant, my best friend here at college, texted me and invited me to a party. That is not my scene. I have never been to a party and was kind of freaked out by the idea, but I was feeling a little rebellious and decided ‘what the heck’ I may as well give it a try. So with shaky legs, I got out of bed and made myself presentable. She came and picked me up and I was off to my first party.

Needless to say, I am not a party person. Honestly I have no desire to go again. There were so many people there and I didn’t know anyone; it was just awkward really. I decided to have my first taste of alcohol- beer. It was so disgusting!! I don’t know how people drink that stuff. I handed it to Elephant and have decided I am not a beer girl. It was watery repulsive stuff.

After about half an hour or so, we left the party and went to Elephant’s boyfriend’s apartment. He was the DD and when we got to his place, he let me try wine. This was disgusting as well. It tasted like old wood. Really gross. I haven’t sworn off wine forever, but I may be a snob about it; no cheap stuff. After that I was feeling a bit adventurous and was really into this making memories thing. He said he would let me try some rum and coke which I was totally fine with, except instead he decided to mix rum and vodka together and let me try a shot. I did and it wasn’t half bad. A bit cinnamon-y and it burned a little, but I could dig it. I ended up having two more shots.

By the end of the night I was a bit tipsy, but I have to admit that I had fun. Elephant and I were laying on the couch giggling and she walked me up to my room to make sure I got there okay, but I talked and laughed. I liked being so relaxed. I know that can get me into trouble, but sometimes it is nice not to be so on-edge all the time.

So I had my first rebellious night and I enjoyed it. I can foresee many more in the future! The best part about it, is that I don’t even feel guilty. I normally feel guilty any time I do something that the people I normally surround myself with say is bad, but I lived a little last night and I am kind of proud of myself.

❤ a girl