Driveway Campfires and a Whole Lot of Awkward

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It’s Thanksgiving Break, so here I am at home. It is a nice change, but not necessarily super needed since I come home on a fairly regularly basis. But this time a few of my good high school friends are back as well, so of course the most social one wants to have a get together… doesn’t sound so bad except she has a lot of friends outside of our immediate friend group that I don’t necessarily know or get along with.

Well I couldn’t get out of it, so for the past few hours I had been sitting around a campfire in my friend’s driveway trying to act nice and normal for her fake friends that were on the opposite side as me. It was okay at first, but it is hard for me to socialize with people who I know don’t give a flying flapjack about me or my life.

If you have been around a little while you know that I cannot stand fake people. So when her friends, who I haven’t had a nice conversation with since junior high, show up wanting to hug me and inquire about my life at college… forgive me for not jumping into their arms and sharing my innermost thoughts.

It was going okay at first, because I had my best friend beside me (who talked me into going in the first place). She and I were having our own quiet side conversation, so I wasn’t feeling too awkward, but as soon as the rest of the group insisted we tell ghost stories and whatnot I was tightening up. I was sitting so straight with my hands clasped between my crossed thighs and my lips pursed together. I didn’t have anything to say and they weren’t really addressing me; honestly it was like I wasn’t even there and by this point I wasn’t really sure why I was.

When my best friend found an excuse to peace out, I was doomed. I only got more awkward from there as they all talked and laughed about people I didn’t know. I racked my brain for a reason to leave, but was coming up empty. I just sat there all quiet, taking in their carefree demeanors and happiness and knew I needed to get the Hell out of there! I finally just told my friend it was late and I was tired. I hugged her, but didn’t acknowledge anyone else as I scurried away.

Being awkward has just become second nature to me. Over the past year or so (basically since coming to college) I have just felt more and more out of place. I clam up and don’t feel comfortable talking to people. I stumble over my words and would rather melt away. I don’t know how to deal with this new me. I don’t like her, but it’s all I know how to be right now.

❤ a girl

I Have No Default Feeling

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Sassy. Sweet. Sarcastic. Sad. Spazzy. Shocked. Energetic. Awkward. Quiet. Loud. Joyful. Talkative. Angry. Unsure. Irritated. Prissy. Happy. Depressed.

I do not believe that people have set characteristics or a default setting. I don’t think there are happy people and sad people. I think that we get to choose how we feel. I think we get to choose how we let the situations life throws our way affects and changes us.

Everyone has different sides that show at different times. There are some people who know me as the loudest, spazziest, most outspoken person they have ever encountered, yet there are some people who have never heard me say a word and witness me trip over my own feet.

I have certain friends who get the privilege of hearing my rants, others who only hear about the good moments, and those really special ones who get to enjoy both. Some people have never heard me raise my voice where others have endured my angry wrath. Sometimes I let loose, but most of the time I clam up.

Just call me queen of the eye-roll, master of car concerts, never-miss-a-beat opinion giver, and administer of the silent treatment. I am not one thing, but multiple things and I believe that everyone is this way.

So be sure to think twice before jumping to conclusions when someone is acting different… We cannot expect someone to be the same at all times in all situations. I change. You change. They change. This makes us people.

❤ a girl

When Life Gives You A Hello

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So I may have the university bus system to thank for something… not for getting me to class on time or actually being at the stop when the schedule says it should, but for putting me in the same place over and over again.

Ever since August, I have been riding the bus to class every day, because I don’t have a parking pass and live too far to walk. If I am on-time, I make the 10:20ish bus, but if I am running late (which I usually am) I make the 10:35ish bus. Well I have to admit that I am not the friendly, talkative rider, but more the antisocial, sleepy rider. I get on, find my desired seat, and stick my head in a book. I use the bus for me time before I get bogged down with classes. I don’t acknowledge anyone, but apparently that has not been a negative thing to my fellow riders.

This past Tuesday I had gotten off the bus and was already rounding the side of the Business Leadership Building on my merry way to class when I felt someone fall into step next to me. I didn’t look up or acknowledge, because I was figuring they just didn’t realize how close they were standing next to me, but to my surprise it was on purpose. I was then asked out for coffee. I literally almost fell over, but I kept my brisk pace, because I was running late. I shocked myself when I agreed and put my number in his phone. I gave him my name as I scurried off.

I made it to class and was still a little shocked and not sure if that had actually happened. But it had. I had the text message to prove it. I don’t drink coffee and I didn’t want to be out late, but we ended up getting together that night. It was simple and nice and kind of freaked me out. I have been on one real date and it was a disaster; he didn’t pay, he barely talked, and at one point he said we didn’t have to talk the whole time…. umm ya I got out of there as quickly as I could, but this was nothing like that. It was pleasant and not as awkward as I assumed it would be.

The crazy part is he apparently found me quirky or whatnot and wants to go out again tonight. Oh and I forgot to mention I recognized him from my bus. It seems it has taken him a few months to get the courage to ask me lol. It is a weird feeling having someone seek me out like that. But I am willing to give it a shot. Wish me luck!

❤ a girl

Breakthrough

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As y’all know I have a long distance boy-interest. I don’t exactly know what to call him, because we are not an official thing, because he would like to ask in person which I fully support and respect, so I have decided boy-interest is the best at describing what he is to me on a low-key level.

Well when our thing first began, I was skeptical about telling my parents or my friends, because they are more closed-minded than I am and I wasn’t sure how they would react. A few weeks in, I decided to tell my mom. She kind of blew me off and didn’t seem very interested, so I let it go trying not to let my feelings get too hurt. It just became this thing that we knew about, but didn’t necessarily talk about. I would refer to him and talk about something that happened to him… she would sometimes acknowledge who I was talking about and sometimes. She would even do these backhanded things like asking me if I thought it was weird I had a friend in South Dakota or seeing a pic of us and being like who is this and and when I would say who, she would look at me quizzically… so needless to say she wasn’t exactly on-board.

Every once in awhile she will say something that makes me see she is trying and it will give me hope. BUT over the weekend, he and I were skyping and my mother (who has no boundaries) just walked into my room without knocking and stopped in her tracks when she noticed there was a person on the screen. She began to back out of the room, but I was told her she could stay. She awkwardly stood in the doorway and waved and I turned the screen toward her, so she could see him. He waved back which made my insides really happy! My dad ended up stopping in the doorway too and he waved as well…

As awkward as it was for me, I was so excited that they were finally able to see him. I feel like that was the first step to them understanding that he is a real person that I really do like and interact with. She still rarely talks to me about him, but I feel like now it is in the middle of her mind that I am serious about my boy-interest and it would mean the world to me if she could be happy and supportive. 🙂

❤ a girl

Being a One-On-One Person

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Most people don’t believe me when I say that I am an introvert. They look at me dumbfounded and when they find their voice they say “but you like to talk” as if I don’t know myself or understand what I just told them. When this happens I feel like I have to defend myself, but I don’t.

Sometimes there are these moments that remind me that I am not the most outgoing person. Sure, I can be, but there are situations when I just want to curl into a ball and melt away.

Tonight was one of those nights.

I like to be in control… of everything! I picked up a shift at my old job tonight and I was on point. I am a hostess at a local restaurant and being bossy and on top of things is what I do best. I like to keep things in order and do things my way and my six hour shift flew by. Lots of running, sweating, speaking, and smiling, but it was a fun night. I felt confident, because that is my element.

When I got off work my good friend’s brother (the guy I started talking to a couple weeks ago) asked me to come to his going away for the summer party. I had kind of been side stepping the whole thing since it was posted online, because hanging out with people that I don’t know is hard for me, but when he specifically asked me to come, I decided the nice thing to do was make an appearance.

By the time I had freshened up and was on my way, he texted me letting me know that the party had fizzled out, but that he still had a few friends over if I wanted to still stop by. I agreed and when I got there he told me that his sister was there. Thank God, because otherwise I don’t know what I would have done. I said hi to him, but immediately went to talk to her, because she is who I am comfortable with.

At one point, he asked me to come outside and meet his friends, so I did and that was terribly awkward. I’m slightly older than them to make matters worse. I felt so out of place. They were his old friends from high school, so they were talking about people I didn’t know and memories I wasn’t apart of and subjects I have no knowledge on. I practically stood there like a moron.

I’m already self-conscious, so it was just one of those moments when I wished so hard that I would just miraculously disappear. I felt bad too, because he invited me and I was acting strange. I hoped I hadn’t come off rude either. This just reiterated to me that I am a one-one-one person. I can talk for hours about life and other things, but when put in a group, I just fade away and lose my voice.

The whole time I was practically sweating and my mind wouldn’t stop roaming. Eventually he and his friends left, which left his sister and I alone to talk. I left a little after and I feel much better now that I am back to being alone. But now I am stuck wondering whether it was weird for everyone or just super obvious to me.

I just keep reminding myself that being introverted and not the life of the party isn’t a bad thing, it is just a thing about me.

❤ a girl