It’s Thanksgiving Break, so here I am at home. It is a nice change, but not necessarily super needed since I come home on a fairly regularly basis. But this time a few of my good high school friends are back as well, so of course the most social one wants to have a get together… doesn’t sound so bad except she has a lot of friends outside of our immediate friend group that I don’t necessarily know or get along with.
Well I couldn’t get out of it, so for the past few hours I had been sitting around a campfire in my friend’s driveway trying to act nice and normal for her fake friends that were on the opposite side as me. It was okay at first, but it is hard for me to socialize with people who I know don’t give a flying flapjack about me or my life.
If you have been around a little while you know that I cannot stand fake people. So when her friends, who I haven’t had a nice conversation with since junior high, show up wanting to hug me and inquire about my life at college… forgive me for not jumping into their arms and sharing my innermost thoughts.
It was going okay at first, because I had my best friend beside me (who talked me into going in the first place). She and I were having our own quiet side conversation, so I wasn’t feeling too awkward, but as soon as the rest of the group insisted we tell ghost stories and whatnot I was tightening up. I was sitting so straight with my hands clasped between my crossed thighs and my lips pursed together. I didn’t have anything to say and they weren’t really addressing me; honestly it was like I wasn’t even there and by this point I wasn’t really sure why I was.
When my best friend found an excuse to peace out, I was doomed. I only got more awkward from there as they all talked and laughed about people I didn’t know. I racked my brain for a reason to leave, but was coming up empty. I just sat there all quiet, taking in their carefree demeanors and happiness and knew I needed to get the Hell out of there! I finally just told my friend it was late and I was tired. I hugged her, but didn’t acknowledge anyone else as I scurried away.
Being awkward has just become second nature to me. Over the past year or so (basically since coming to college) I have just felt more and more out of place. I clam up and don’t feel comfortable talking to people. I stumble over my words and would rather melt away. I don’t know how to deal with this new me. I don’t like her, but it’s all I know how to be right now.
❤ a girl