To be able to say that you are used to being hurt is horrible. The fact that I can log into pinterest and search for quotes about being hurt and the abundance are about how often it happens and how we are used to it is awful. When did our society just accept this behavior and these feelings as normal? When did we stop trying to be better and treat people better? Now it just feels we are always trying to one-up our stories about how we were hurt or how we hurt someone else. It makes me sick.
My friend, you know the friend from Hell who was supposed to be my best friend, who ended our friendship and decided it was over wasn’t worth saving… ya well she struck again. Yesterday, after she told me we weren’t ever going to talk again, because she didn’t think we made good friends, she texted me that she wanted to meet up today to return a swimsuit that I had left at her house. I thought that was nice, so I agreed to meet her. She told me the time and place she would be where I could stop by. I couldn’t make it at that time due to work meetings, so she said she would text me when she was done apartment shopping and we could meet then.
So today rolled around and once my meetings were done I texted her that I was available to meet, so just send me the when and where. Over and hour had passed when she finally texted me back that she was already out of town. WTF! Why didn’t you text me you were leaving, so we could quickly exchange stuff? Why didn’t you reply sooner to give me time to meet you? Why? Why? Why?
My theory: She can’t face me. She thought she could, but when it really came down to it, she can’t.
I told her to donate the swimsuit. I am through dealing with her. She continuously, purposefully hurts me and I am done going through that over and over again.
I don’t want to be boxed in anymore.
There is a box for who I am supposed to be. I am reminded on a regular basis by friends, pictures, and memories of who I was. Not just last year, but back in high school and when I was just a kid. It is constantly brought to my attention that I was happy, energetic, positive, upbeat, colorful… you get the picture. It’s not like I don’t want to be those things; right now I just can’t be. But I want to stop feeling bad about it. It’s not like I am some horrifying person. I still have good qualities and “the me I used to be” is still buried deep down, you just have to look a little harder.
There is a box for what I am supposed to believe. Religion. Faith. Those are tricky subjects that I am caught in-between. Right now I am not sure where I am. I have been attending a small group and doing a devotional regularly, but I have not jumped in with both feet. I am not against or for, I am just exploring. I like having something to believe in, but I do not like all of the ridiculous rules that comes with it. I am just trying to find a balance at my own pace. This isn’t something I want to rush, because I want it to be genuine.
There is a box for how I am supposed to behave. They say actions speak louder than words and as much as I agree with this, I also think that words hit home harder. I used to pride myself in being an honest, blunt person, but everyone seemed to have a love/hate relationship with that part of me. They were proud I was their friend and I could say things they couldn’t, but then they would shush me when it was too embarrassing. Lately, with my insecurities running on high, I haven’t been as outspoken and I miss that– apparently so do my friends, because they keep telling me to find that fire and spark I used to have, but my only condition… when I find that part of me again, no one can shame me for it.
I want to be free. Free to think. Free to feel. Free to express.
I wanted my blog to show outwardly my inward need to feel free.
- The pictures at the top represent things that make me feel free… the beach, Converse, roadtrips, dreamcatchers, and VW beetles.
- The categories are more specific to what my life is about right now.
- The Bucket List page is about to be under-construction to actually list attainable goals that are currently on my heart.
This new look and feel has freedom to it and I love it!
❤ a girl
Happy Father’s Day to all of you amazing dad’s out there! We children wouldn’t be who we are without your guidance and love! ❤
So this morning in church the lesson was on ‘What is a Real Man.” As soon as the pastor started speaking I was unsure as to where this sermon was going. I can assure you that about ten minutes in I was already shaking my head.
He decided to start out with what a real man is not. Now there were a few bullets that I agreed with like a real man doesn’t abandon his family or dominate women, but there was one bullet in particular that I was extremely irritated with. He said a real man doesn’t father a child out of marriage.
Now I know that I am sitting in church, so marriage is very important and that pre-marital sex is a sin, but even so this was so vague and so general that I didn’t feel it needed to be said. Men and women make mistakes all the time and getting a girl pregnant out of marriage (which it takes two to have a child, so he is not the only one at fault) is not the best way to start a family, but I think that what makes that man a real man is how he handles the situation he has gotten himself into.
Mistakes are part of life, but to act like just because someone has done this means they can’t turn their life around and become a real man is ridiculous. That man can choose to marry that woman and unite that family that he has started or if marriage isn’t what they want, he can be there for that kid in so many ways. Families are not as cut and dry as they used to be which is why that statement pissed me off a little (and I come from a cut and dry family!).
I don’t think the sermon was meant to be rude or thoughtless, but sometimes I feel like it needs to be edited and read to a few more people before said on Sunday morning. That statement could have been hurtful to a lot of men and families out there. From what I have been taught, God is all about taking negative or imperfect situations and creating something beautiful out of them, so I think the pastor needed to be a little more careful in what he puts out.
For all you men out there who aren’t perfect, don’t listen to people who tell you you can’t be a stand up guy. You can turn your life around and make the best of whatever situation you are in. That is what life is all about! I believe in you!
❤ a girl