Finding My Fire

In the throes of trying to make everyone in my life happy, I not only failed, but I also lost the very essence of what made me me. I used to be a quirky, loud, upbeat, and outspoken person. I said whatever was on my mind whether it was through words or facial expressions. I drove with my windows down and music up while singing at the top of my lungs. I wasn’t ashamed to speak my mind or do things my own way. I would always be lost in a book no matter where I was. I was different, but I was proud.

Then people decided to criticize who I was, alter my personality, and shame me. It ranged from serious to simple, but all of it affected me the same. I could see their judgement on their faces and hear it in their voices. So little by little I would just agree with what they said or apologize for doing stuff my way and eventually there was none of me left. Because of this I became confused; I didn’t know what to do or say. I became self-conscious; I tried to pinpoint everything about me someone did or could have a problem with. I became sad; I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t just be accepted as is.

Through months of depression, of hours spent in my closet, of crying myself to sleep, I thought I was lost for good, but God provided me with one person who has the most understanding and patient spirit and who did accept me as is. Little by little, I started feeling more and more comfortable around him and letting him see little glimpses of who I really am and what I really think. He would encourage me to outwardly be that version of myself, because there was nothing wrong with it. Although I still have fear that I will end up doing something that makes him run, but so far he has only been a blessing!

I am no longer going to let anyone or anything alter who I am. I am an outspoken, honest, and blunt person; sorry not sorry if that bothers you. I am a loud, tone-deaf, colorful person; sorry not sorry if that bothers you. I am a bookworm, binge-watcher, and country music lover; sorry not sorry if that bothers you. I will not apologize for or change myself. If you have a problem with who I am or if what I do bothers you, then keep on moving, because this is me and that is how it is going to be.

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You Watch Them. They Watch You.

inspiration 2Looking. Glancing. Noticing. Watching. Creeping. Staring. Admit it, you do these actions every day whether you mean to or not. Call it what you want. I call it people-watching.

People-watching is one of my favorite pastimes. I do it on a daily basis. When I’m walking across campus, sitting in class, riding the bus, or at work, I watch people. I do this because people are interesting, weird, and different. You can learn so much from the people around you.

We are taught from a young age that staring is bad, but I think that staring is considered a negative thing, because someone got offended a long long time ago in a galaxy far far away and made a scene giving the word a bad connotation. I think watching and inquiring others is a way for us to learn about ourselves. If we didn’t notice and look at others how would we appreciate style, personality, or character?

By watching other people we start to see how we want to act, how we want to dress, how we want to sound, and how we want to be perceived. I think this is so important in figuring out the kind of people we want to be and be associated with. So this is how we pick our friends as well.

Loving myself is something that I have always had a love/hate relationship with. There are days that I have more confidence than a circus tight-rope walker and other days when I am so insecure I can’t even look a stranger in the eyes. But I have slowly learned that people will look my direction whether I am trying to be noticed or trying to blend in and they will continue to look no matter if they like what they see or they don’t. It’s human nature.

I have decided that people can look, glance, notice, watch, creep, and stare at me. It might be unnerving at first, but if it will help them define themselves and the person they want to be then why should I stop them. If I am just being me, why is it so wrong that they look at me? If I am confident in myself then I shouldn’t care. Correction: I don’t care. It’s a challenge that I am willing to accept. Bring on the eyes and bring on the confidence!

❤ a girl

Talk Nerdy to Me

being yourself 8Awhile back, Elephant told me that her boyfriend and some of his friends were having a Star Wars marathon and said I was welcome to join them. I jumped on the invitation, because it is not everyday that someone invites you to do something like this. Turns out Elephant wasn’t really into Star Wars, so I sat on the couch engrossed in the saga with the eight of the nerdiest guys I have ever met.

It was really fun and took us fourteen hours to complete, but now that I look back on it, I felt so included. I complain that I have perfected being a good “girl” friend, but it’s times like these when I appreciate the fact that guys can be themselves around me. Occasionally they would apologize for saying something that they probably shouldn’t in front of a female, but for the most part they just spoke to me and joked with me like I was just another person.

Well today I was invited to another movie marathon. It was supposed to be Indiana Jones, but one of the guys forgot the movies, so we ended up watching Back to the Future instead. I love the first one in the trilogy, so I was down to watch them. I actually took a few cat naps during the next two movies, but overall it was super fun and I was the only girl there, because Payton was out of town. It really meant a lot that they still included me even though she couldn’t come.

They are such an interesting group of guys. They actually watch these movies with the subtitles on, because they literally quote and commentate throughout the entire thing. Most of them are RTVF (Radio Television Film) majors, so they know what they are talking about, but even being an outsider I enjoy listening to them argue about actors, scenes, and other stuff. They know where all the mess ups are located and have so many jokes.

I never would have thought that I would fall in with such a nerdy group of guys, but I really enjoy hanging out with them and not being judged for being into superhero movies or other nerdy things. I appreciate that they understand that although I am a girl and like girly things, I can also be into other things as well.

Today was a much needed day to remind myself of who I am. With all the frustrations with my roommate and my own mind, it was nice to remember that being me is absolutely ok!

❤ a girl

Making Mistakes

mistakes 1

“I should have made more mistakes.”

Someone on my Facebook feed had shared an image that Humans of New York had posted. I heard about the group, but had never really been interested in what they did. But out of curiosity, I clicked on the shared post and got sucked into looking at all the pictures and reading all of the stories that were being told. Some in one sentence and others in a few. It is an incredible thing the HONY people are doing and I wanted to share this one.

I felt so much affirmation from just seeing this one photograph in relation to that one quotation. I shared previously about how I have lived my life as a goody-two-shoes and I have tried to be as perfect as I can. I have always cared way too much about what people think and how they will react to the decisions I make, therefore I don’t stay out late or do anything remotely questionable. It is also why this blog is not posted to my social media. I am afraid of what people will think or say or react toward me if they knew my thoughts or feelings.

For a while now I have felt that I have lived an extremely sheltered life. I think it originated from me being sheltered as a kid, but this is weird for me to think about, because my parents didn’t ever sit me down and tell me I couldn’t do certain things. It was just an understood kind of thing. I understood that drinking and drugs were bad, so I surrounded myself with people who felt the same way, so I was never around that kind of behavior. I understood that cussing was looked down upon, so I chose to surround myself with people who didn’t use bad language, so I wasn’t tempted to as well.

All of this started changing when I got my first job, which was in the restaurant business, and was surrounded by different kinds of people of all ages who drank, smoked, and cussed. It was so normal for them. I held my ground at first, because of my fear, anxiety, and insecurities. I knew how to be the good girl who believed a, b, and c, but I wasn’t well versed in how to “be bad” or just do things, because I can and not have to apologize for them.

I am slowly figuring out that making mistakes and figuring it all out isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes it makes you a bigger and better person, because you can actually relate to people and know for sure how you feel about something. I went through a phase awhile back where I decided that cussing at work wasn’t such a big deal, now I don’t cuss on a regular basis, but I also don’t judge those who do. Last weekend I decided to drink for the first time, it is definitely not going to be something I do every night, but letting loose every once in awhile isn’t so bad and now I understand the appeal it has. Tomorrow I am thinking about getting acrylic nails just because I haven’t done it before and I have always wondered what it would be like.

It has taken me a long time to realize it, but making mistakes is a very important part of life and I am excited to embark on this journey of just doing things and not having to apologize for them.

❤ a girl

Finding My Somewhere

place for meSometimes I feel out of place. Sometimes I don’t feel like I belong. Sometimes I feel like the odd-man-out. Sometimes I feel lonely in a crowd. Sometimes I feel like I am the only one. Sometimes I feel my voice isn’t heard. Sometimes I feel lost. Sometimes I feel nothing at all.

I want to know what it is like to learn, grow, and flourish while being comfortable in my own skin. When I was younger (before senior year of high school) I was so bold and sure of myself. Then, like a flip of a switch, I wasn’t inside and out. I could still talk the talk on the outside, but on the inside I was falling apart and so insecure.

To this day I am like that. Just a few weeks ago, I was talking to this guy and at one point he said I talked to much and it got annoying. Of course there were other negative things said, but when I was telling my friend about it, I told her what he said, but then I followed up with “I don’t care, because I love myself a little too much”. The fact was that as much as I do love myself and all of my quirks, I did care what he said. I shouldn’t, but what if that is my hindrance to be in a relationship.

I didn’t appreciate the fact that he was trying to make me feel uncomfortable about my personality. My blunt, talkative demeanor is something that I define myself by and he was compromising that shell. Sadly, he was a co-worker, so for the few days after that we worked together, I no longer felt at ease at work. Being at work had always been a place that I could be me and others appreciated it, but with his condescending attitude there, it became a place I no longer wanted to be.

My ‘somewhere’ isn’t just a physical destination (although I can’t wait to find somewhere to settle down that I can call my future), but also a mental one. A place of comfort with my friends, my choices, my body, and my personality. A place where being me is something to be proud of instead of something to be questioned. I know my ‘somewhere’ is out there and I am going to find it.

❤ a girl