Double Dipping

couple

“I want to marry my best friend!”

Let’s back up. If you haven’t been reading my blog for long or don’t know me in person, then you may not know one crucial thing about me – I do not date for sport. That may sound a bit harsh and, no, I am not shaming my fellow females, but I was taught that dating is the prerequisite for marriage, so you should only date someone you could see yourself marrying. I know there are many arguments to this thought process and I would be glad to discuss it (and in another post, give my thoughts), but this is how I have chosen to live.

I could not even begin to count how many times I have said that I want to marry my best friend or heard someone else say their spouse is their best friend. For a long time, I never fully grasped what this meant, because I was terribly, terribly awkward around guys. I blame most of my behavior on what I was taught while growing up in church and taking these teachings to heart, but the point is that I didn’t really understand how to be friends with a boy. It wasn’t until my sophomore year of college that I actually had a close male friend or a male friend that I didn’t have a crush on.

When I met Penguin back in October, I was intrigued by him because he wasn’t afraid to challenge my way of thinking. We were at a Bible Study and put into the same discussion group. I was fairly new to the study and it was his first time. We were given a verse to talk about and me, being in the throes of my depression, spat out this sad definition of what I thought this verse meant. At first, the members of the group let my words hang in the air not daring to mess with me, but then Penguin interrupted the silence and gave the most encouraging definition of what he thought the verse meant. I looked up and met his eyes – they seemed to be saying “I know where you are and you don’t have to be stuck there.”

Contrary to most stories, I wasn’t head over heels over him or chomping at the bit to spend time with him, I was just fascinated with the person that was willing to defy my way of thinking. Over time we were thrown together in different situations and I began to realize that I liked spending time with him and hearing what he had to say, although most of the time it took him awhile to spit his words out. It wasn’t until after New Years that we had even spent time together alone although we had really gotten to know each other through text and phone calls. I can’t even pinpoint when Penguin became my best friend, it happened so naturally, but gradually he became the person I told everything to, confided in, and counted on.


Penguin and I started dating at the beginning of March. We were spending practically every day together either eating, studying, talking, laughing… you name it. I believe I was in love with him before we started dating (gasp!) due to how he treated me, how I felt when I was around him, and his character as a person. Ever since then we do just about everything together and it is weird to go a day without seeing or talking to him. Some may say this is unhealthy, but I disagree. It is not as if I cannot go about my day without him or his influence nor do I not have any other friends that I spend time with, it is just that he is my person – boyfriend, best friend, both, or neither.

It has just come to my attention that some may find this odd or be irritated by it. I have a couple friends who treat me differently once they found out how close Penguin and I are. They seem less interested in spending time with me or talking to me or reaching out to me. This hurts a bit, especially because they have not actually addressed it, but the unspoken feeling is still there.

My question is this: Do you feel it is wrong for a boyfriend to double as a best friend? Why does it make people uncomfortable?

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Don’t Flatter Yourself

Strangers With Memories

Last week one of my friends was asking about how Jeremiah and I were doing as a couple. Honestly, he and I are absolutely wonderful. That sounds cheesy and some would brush it off as that first stage in a relationship, but by saying we are absolutely wonderful, I am not saying that we are perfect.

We are both flawed people who have our issues that shine through here and there, but we are also both people who understand the other is flawed. We expect for there to be rough times and disagreements, but that is how we find out if we can work together to work through it. I cherish Jeremiah for his issues and his quirks. I might not always understand them, but I like trying, because through trying, I get to learn more about him and the way he ticks.

Well my friend smiled and said she figured Jeremiah and I had the real thing and claimed she knew we would end up together from the start. Laughing, she told me that some thought he was just a rebound. I asked her who and she was like oh, you know.. really just one person. I didn’t know and she told me Q was claiming Jeremiah was just a rebound from him. Who he was telling, who knows, but who cares. He doesn’t get an opinion about anything. I gave him a chance (only God knows why) and he not only let it go, but pushed me so far away even after multiple chances to redeem himself.

I made a point to make sure my heart and head were in the right place before allowing myself to accept my feelings for Jeremiah. I told him no twice before I decided I was ready, so I would rather someone get the facts before spreading false conclusions. Q is the one who decided he didn’t want me, so he doesn’t get to care about what I do or who I see. I finally took steps to cleanse my room of things of his, because I don’t want to be associated with him anymore.

Jeremiah is amazing, sweet, caring, thoughtful, creative, flawed, and weird, but he is who I want. I can’t even remember ever wanting anyone like I want him. He is my best friend and that is how I always wanted it to be. I smile and laugh so much around him, but he also allows me to cry when I need to. We make an incredible team and I cannot wait to see what is in store for us!

Here’s to choosing not to let false, hurtful words actually hurt us, because it isn’t worth it!

❤ Lauren

The Ball is in His Court

For my sake, let’s pretend this is a hypothetical situation.

So this weekend happened. It was weird, confusing, and emotional. The clouds are starting to clear, but yesterday was still pretty foggy and I was still pretty hurt. I took it upon myself to give myself some more power in the situation. (Hint: I don’t let people go very easily, especially if I care!)

So needless to say my mind is a house that got sucked into a tornado. I haven’t been able to sleep or think straight or be calm. I ended up skipping my last two classes yesterday and grabbed lunch and studied with a close friend instead. I decided to create three cards labeled Option 1, Option 2, and Option 3.

He and I had discussed Option 1 and Option 2. I use the term discussed very loosely. We had a “breakup” conversation three times and each one had a different conclusion, so I am unsure where I stand currently. So these option cards were intended to make it clear to him what I see our options being and what each one means to me.

Option 1: Stay together, but take things slow. He feels he needs more time to focus on school and work, so we would only spend time together on the weekends while just talking on the phone and texting during the week. Open communication and being honest about how we feel about everything; no secrets. Making an effort to show the other that they care in anyway they deem fit. Show affection, because attraction is not something to be ashamed of. Meet each other halfway; 50 from me and 50 from him… understand that we are both messy humans and we can’t be perfect.

Option 2: Breakup, but stay friends. This would have to come with more boundaries. Of course we will spend time together, but not so much expectation. No touching though besides hugs, because I happen to be extremely attracted to him and vice versa, so that could get messy. No jealousy; if he picks this I will be single, so he cannot lay claim to me. I am not on hold for him; it will be my choice if I choose to wait for him to get his shit together.

Option 3: Breakup, and not be friends. This is what it sounds like. Minimal communication. No planned hangouts, only accidental stuff when we both happen to be at the same event or something. No touching. No jealousy. [This really isn’t in the running…]

So anyhow I gave them to him last night around 5pm and I still haven’t heard anything, but I am calmer than I have been in awhile. I actually drove over there earlier to nicely demand an answer, but he wasn’t home, so now I have to give him more time to think. It sounds ridiculous, but he really does have a lot going on and a lot to think about, so I don’t hate him for trying. Picking between a sweet girl and everything else can be hard, so I have so much respect for him.

I’ll keep y’all posted on this hypothetical situation!

❤ Lauren

 

Breakthrough

awkward

As y’all know I have a long distance boy-interest. I don’t exactly know what to call him, because we are not an official thing, because he would like to ask in person which I fully support and respect, so I have decided boy-interest is the best at describing what he is to me on a low-key level.

Well when our thing first began, I was skeptical about telling my parents or my friends, because they are more closed-minded than I am and I wasn’t sure how they would react. A few weeks in, I decided to tell my mom. She kind of blew me off and didn’t seem very interested, so I let it go trying not to let my feelings get too hurt. It just became this thing that we knew about, but didn’t necessarily talk about. I would refer to him and talk about something that happened to him… she would sometimes acknowledge who I was talking about and sometimes. She would even do these backhanded things like asking me if I thought it was weird I had a friend in South Dakota or seeing a pic of us and being like who is this and and when I would say who, she would look at me quizzically… so needless to say she wasn’t exactly on-board.

Every once in awhile she will say something that makes me see she is trying and it will give me hope. BUT over the weekend, he and I were skyping and my mother (who has no boundaries) just walked into my room without knocking and stopped in her tracks when she noticed there was a person on the screen. She began to back out of the room, but I was told her she could stay. She awkwardly stood in the doorway and waved and I turned the screen toward her, so she could see him. He waved back which made my insides really happy! My dad ended up stopping in the doorway too and he waved as well…

As awkward as it was for me, I was so excited that they were finally able to see him. I feel like that was the first step to them understanding that he is a real person that I really do like and interact with. She still rarely talks to me about him, but I feel like now it is in the middle of her mind that I am serious about my boy-interest and it would mean the world to me if she could be happy and supportive. 🙂

❤ a girl

“But you’re so pretty!”

beautyFor the summer, I have gone back to my old high school job which was hosting at a local restaurant. Last night, I was working with this girl who is sixteen. She and I got off to a rocky start when we met a couple days ago and there has been a lot of walking on egg shells. When I am in my element (hosting) my extremely bossy, demanding, controlling side comes out and not everyone can handle it. I do my job and I do it well. I don’t play nice with those who tend to cut corners, be lazy, and not do what is expected of them.

Well this girl is one of those. After I snapped at her, she morphed into one of those overly nice girls who tries to be your friend, because they don’t want you upset with them. Honestly, I don’t care about being her friend, so I just went about as normal through the night. Once we got off our wait and the rush was over, we were both standing up there. The other girl and her had been discussing their love lives (albeit they are both sixteen), but when the other girl got cut for the night, I was the only one left. Sadly.

After a few moments of silence, the girl asks me – “Do you have a boyfriend?” This is not an absurd question and I had been waiting for her to ask me since that seems to be everyone’s question after asking how old I am. I shook my head and told her that I didn’t have one. Her immediate response was – “But you’re so pretty!” 

I was completely speechless. I’ve only been out of high school for two years, but I just couldn’t fathom being surrounded by such a shallow person. I thanked her and preceded to explain to her that I felt being in a relationship was about more than just looks. That there were a lot of other aspects I look for in a guy that I wanted to be with and so far I hadn’t found anyone.

She looked at me dumbfounded. Like I was a complete idiot or totally insane. I didn’t know what else to say, so I just left that hanging in the air and walked off. I’m still kind of in shock that she said that to me. I keep telling myself she probably said that to get back in my good graces, but the part that makes me laugh is that she said it without skipping a beat. That was legitimately her first thought.

There are days when I wonder where I came from. Why I’m not like the others that surround me. Then there are other days when I am so thankful that I have the thought process that I do.

❤ a girl