Rather Donate Than Deal

hurtTo be able to say that you are used to being hurt is horrible. The fact that I can log into pinterest and search for quotes about being hurtΒ and the abundance are about how often it happens and how we are used to it is awful. When did our society just accept this behavior and these feelings as normal? When did we stop trying to be better and treat people better? Now it just feels we are always trying to one-up our stories about how we were hurt or how we hurt someone else. It makes me sick.

My friend, you know the friend from Hell who was supposed to be my best friend, who ended our friendship and decided it was over wasn’t worth saving… ya well she struck again. Yesterday, after she told me we weren’t ever going to talk again, because she didn’t think we made good friends, she texted me that she wanted to meet up today to return a swimsuit that I had left at her house. I thought that was nice, so I agreed to meet her. She told me the time and place she would be where I could stop by. I couldn’t make it at that time due to work meetings, so she said she would text me when she was done apartment shopping and we could meet then.

So today rolled around and once my meetings were done I texted her that I was available to meet, so just send me the when and where. Over and hour had passed when she finally texted me back that she was already out of town. WTF! Why didn’t you text me you were leaving, so we could quickly exchange stuff? Why didn’t you reply sooner to give me time to meet you? Why? Why? Why?

My theory: She can’t face me. She thought she could, but when it really came down to it, she can’t.

I told her to donate the swimsuit. I am through dealing with her. She continuously, purposefully hurts me and I am done going through that over and over again.

Another One Bites the Dust

failed friendship quote 1

It happened again. I have officially lost another best friend. Another person close to me has decided to give up on our friendship, to give up on me. The expiration date came quick this time. It was unexpected and it felt like a knife through my heart.

After the initial explosionΒ back in February when my [now] ex-best friend told me all of her feelings and asked for some space, I gave it to her. I left her alone for months. Our relationship had dwindled down to likes on Facebook with nothing behind them, but I thought that was a step in the right direction. I kept up with her travels through Snapchat and prayed that I could do something right in order to mend our friendship.

Over these past four months of silence, I have had multiple meltdowns. Not being able to have my best friend as my maid of honor, a bridesmaid, or even involved in the wedding planning has been really hard. Before our “fight,” we talked about it all the time. She already had her toast written and her excitement just made me all the more excited. Well turns out she wasn’t excited about it, but actually frustrated with all the wedding talk, so I have been on the fence about inviting her. I was under the impression we would be friends again, so last night after my most recent breakdown, my fiance encouraged me to reach out to her.

Big Mistake! Turns out she never had any plans of us mending our friendship. All I asked was to grab dinner and talk about her travels, but she doesn’t see that happening, because she doesn’t think we make that great of friends. That was that. She just decided it was over. We do make great friends! We were best friends! I’m so sick and tired of people just giving up after one misunderstanding or mistake… of not even trying to work things out or forgive. It is so hurtful and heartbreaking.

So now I am back to where I always seem to be. Lonely. Hurt. Depressed. Friendless. My fiance has been my rock through all of this, but sometimes I don’t understand how he can be the only one who can be there for me no matter what and forgive me when mistakes are made. It just seems so hopeless.

Overdue Apology

apology

I’ll sit and laugh with my friends at what we’ve been through, but I still catch my breath when someone mentions you. – Unknown

In sixth grade, I met Michelle. It was a friendship that started, because I told her I liked her shirt. It was all so juvenile. We met at church. We had our mom’s meet each other and that was that. For the next five years we were best friends.

It wasn’t a perfect friendship. When you become friends as kids, sometimes it is harder to let them go. Michelle was a very dominant person. She was one of those people that was so insecure that she made up for it by being so incredibly outgoing, likable, and memorable. She was the cool, pretty, new girl from California. There were days when I felt like she just took over the people that I was supposed to be friends with. Everyone liked her. To say I wasn’t bitter about it would be a lie.

For the longest time I let it slide. She was my best friend after all. It was who she was. It was who she needed to be. She needed to feel loved, accepted, wanted… I get it. I didn’t then, but I do now.

But it was hard for me. It was hard for me to be pushed aside. To always come second. To be the back-up plan. To never get the guy. To never feel like I had friends; they were her friends who tolerated me. I was always there for her no matter what, but that wasn’t always reciprocated. Most of the time she was all talk and no action. She would complain to me about her life and her family situation, but never had time to hear about what I was dealing with.

It didn’t bother me at first. I understood that her life was worse than mine. In her eyes, I had the perfect set-up, but she never really listened to how I felt about it. But I didn’t care. Michelle was my number 1 and she claimed me as her best friend, so I wasn’t going to give that up. I needed her. Everyone needed a best friend. Right?

As I got into high school and started meeting new people, I went through friends like wildfire. They would get sick of me or I them or we would drift apart or have a disagreement. To say I didn’t care about them wouldn’t be true, but they weren’t my best friend, so how they felt toward me didn’t matter to me as much, because I had my best friend.

Well my best friend started getting into bits of trouble. She was doing things that I didn’t understand. I was extremely sheltered. After awhile, I just chalked it up to her being a drama addict. She needed something to complain about, something to make her different. Honestly, to this day I still don’t know what made her do all that.

Around junior year of high school, some little things went down that weren’t a big deal, but to me they were and Michelle didn’t understand how her actions were affecting me. I felt like our friendship was one way. I did everything I felt was expected of a friend, but got fed up when it was never reciprocated. I was going through a rough time emotionally and there was this one event that I thought she would be there for me no doubt, but she ended up practically stabbing me in the heart.

For a long time I never got over it. I held it against her for years… literally. At that moment I decided I was done. I didn’t want to be her best friend. She didn’t deserve me. She wasn’t there for me. Honestly, I despised her. I avoided her at all costs and just couldn’t handle being reminded that I wasn’t worth it to her. I graduated and went off to college and pretty much detached myself from anything related to her. I even took pictures out of frames in my room, tore them up, and threw them away. When I say I couldn’t handle it, I was being serious. We weren’t social media friends and I got rid of her number. It was like a horrific breakup.

[In regards to the above quote] Although I told myself over and over that I hated her, I still couldn’t push all of our good memories out of my head. There was a time when we really were best friends and couldn’t imagine a life without each other. After I rid her of my life, I felt lonely. I would hear people talk about her and I would act like I didn’t care or say something nasty, but really inside I just wished I had been worth it. I just wish she missed me.

Apologizing does not always mean you were wrong and the other person was right. It just means you value your relationship more than your ego. – Unknown

The day before New Years Eve, I was cleaning out my room and came across an old journal that Michelle and I used to pass back and forth. I sat down to read it and tears sprung to my eyes. I couldn’t handle it. I forced negative thoughts about her in my mind constantly, but honestly I missed her.

I wanted to text her, but when I got out my phone, I realized I didn’t have her number. I immediately checked Facebook and at some point we became friends (probably to creep on each other) and I messaged her. I admitted to her that I knew we hadn’t been speaking for a long time, but I was officially over it. I wanted to stop hating her. So we talked for a little while. Then we exchanged numbers.

After texting back and forth for a few days, I recognized that we were different people. A lot can change in a person from the time you are seventeen to being twenty. She lived in a different state with her Grandma and I was in college making questionable life choices.

We decided to give friendship another shot. A long-distance pen-pal type friendship. We understand that it will never be like it was, but that’s not what we want. We want to re-get-to-know one another as the women that we are now.

When you forgive, you in no way change the past – but you sure do change the future. – Bernard Meltzer

❀ a girl