Unplanned Changes

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I had wanted to wish you all a Happy Independence Day (for those of you Americans), but my Fourth was jam-packed, so I didn’t get the chance.

I am a planner. I like to know what I am doing and when I am doing it. I use multiple calendars and an actual planner in order to keep myself on a set schedule and to keep me productive. Well, I expected nothing less of my Fourth of July.

  • 8:00 – wake up
  • 9:00 – be at my parents house
  • 10:00 – arrive at Hurricane Harbor
  • 5:00 – leave Hurricane Harbor & shower
  • 7:00 – arrive at my friend’s cookout for food and fireworks
  • 10:00 – sleep

Let’s just say it did not quite go like this.

I really enjoy being a planner and I take pride in the fact that I can stick to a schedule and fit everything and everyone in. Well, when I woke up on Monday, it was storming and my mom had texted to me to come around 10/10:30 instead, so I fell back asleep. When I woke, I decided not to shower since it was raining and we were going to a water park. I got up, got the pup, and got the boyfriend and we were off to my parents. We hadn’t eaten yet, so I asked my mom if she would cook a quick something, she said sure, but she needed milk and eggs, so we stopped at a nearby Walmart. When we started cooking, my dad decided to make pancakes and my mom egg quesadillas… all was going to the “new” plan since we were waiting out the rain.

Once the rain had stopped, we were ready to go except my brother had not shown up yet. We texted and called and he finally showed a bit late. Once were on our way to the water park, we paid for parking and my dad had to park about a mile away, so it took us forever to reach the front, but alas we arrived around 12:00. My cousin and other brother were supposed to meet us there, so after every ride we rode, we had to go back to the table and check and see their status. They arrived around 2:00.

All was going just fine until around 5:00. I was exhausted and sunburnt and hot and miserable. They kept going down body slides that I do not enjoy with long lines and I was about done. I was already supposed to be on my way home and my mom didn’t seem to care. She just wanted to go on one more ride then another. I was trying to be a good sport except we didn’t end up leaving until 7:20. Way later than I had planned.

When we reached the car and I checked my phone, my friend had called me and texted me multiple times, because I was supposed to be there. I tried texting her that things were running a bit behind, but that I would be there soon. We arrived at home, showered, and were getting ready to leave when I realized it had already been another hour. Driving to my friend’s place would be another hour and we would have missed food and would seem like we only showed for fireworks. My friend wasn’t returning my texts about being late, so I had to make a decision to skip her cookout and just go to dinner with my family.

We were eating on the patio at Boomerjacks (one of the only places open) and everything was going great. Laughing, talking, a good family outing until the arguing started. I was already irritated that I had to miss my friend’s cookout and fireworks and then my brothers had to make a scene. I didn’t get home until around 10:30 and I was totally exhausted from the day’s events.

I wanted to just be mad and stew that I didn’t get to shoot off any fireworks or even see any fireworks, but God has given me an amazing boyfriend who knows when he needs to calm me down and distract me from my own mind. He gets to my house after I dropped him off at his car and he tells me to come outside. He is sitting on the curb staring at the sky. Winnie and I come out, she runs around and I take a seat beside him and also look up to the sky. There is a lightning storm with no thunder. It is absolutely beautiful and bright and shocking and fun. It was like God’s version of fireworks. He held my hand as we gazed up at the sky and in that moment I wasn’t irritated and angry that my plans did not work out the way I intended. In that moment I was exactly where I needed to be. 

That whole day made me realize that making plans isn’t a bad thing, but it is not the end of the world when they don’t work out, because unplanned changes can result in the best memories!

The heart of a man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.
-Proverbs 16:9

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Another Year Gone

Change

Tomorrow is my birthday. I will be 21 years old and it seems so surreal. As I wait for the strike of midnight to go out for my first legal drink, I started thinking about where I was at this point last year. This blog chronicles my life up until my 20th birthday almost day by day, but it is crazy to go back and look at how things have changed.

Last year, I was trying to figure out who I wanted to be. I was busy battling what I believed, deciding on my definition of being good, and making all the mistakes I never did in my teens. I won’t lie, it was a pretty monumental time for me that set up the person I am now. I drank and partied and laughed and made memories. As many would be disappointed if they knew what I had been up to and some would disapprove; I wouldn’t change dealing with that for anything.

As tomorrow arrives I am curious as to who will show up to wish me a good birthday. I have lost some best friends since last year and made some amazing new ones. Part of me feels like those friendships aren’t completely over, but if they remember my birthday or send me a simple ‘happy birthday’ I will know our friendship is not dead. I am crossing my fingers that I still have something to work with and time has helped heal our wounds.

But either way, I have been looking forward to tomorrow for weeks now. I have a small two drink thing for midnight with a few best friends, church in the morning, lunch with my family, and then dinner plus party with my friends for the night! It should be a fabulous day filled with fun, smiles, laughter, and silliness. I am so excited and it cannot get here fast enough.

Let’s hope that year 21 treats me better than year 20, but that I learn just as much!

❤ Lauren

When Life Gives You A Hello

goodbye hello - Edited

So I may have the university bus system to thank for something… not for getting me to class on time or actually being at the stop when the schedule says it should, but for putting me in the same place over and over again.

Ever since August, I have been riding the bus to class every day, because I don’t have a parking pass and live too far to walk. If I am on-time, I make the 10:20ish bus, but if I am running late (which I usually am) I make the 10:35ish bus. Well I have to admit that I am not the friendly, talkative rider, but more the antisocial, sleepy rider. I get on, find my desired seat, and stick my head in a book. I use the bus for me time before I get bogged down with classes. I don’t acknowledge anyone, but apparently that has not been a negative thing to my fellow riders.

This past Tuesday I had gotten off the bus and was already rounding the side of the Business Leadership Building on my merry way to class when I felt someone fall into step next to me. I didn’t look up or acknowledge, because I was figuring they just didn’t realize how close they were standing next to me, but to my surprise it was on purpose. I was then asked out for coffee. I literally almost fell over, but I kept my brisk pace, because I was running late. I shocked myself when I agreed and put my number in his phone. I gave him my name as I scurried off.

I made it to class and was still a little shocked and not sure if that had actually happened. But it had. I had the text message to prove it. I don’t drink coffee and I didn’t want to be out late, but we ended up getting together that night. It was simple and nice and kind of freaked me out. I have been on one real date and it was a disaster; he didn’t pay, he barely talked, and at one point he said we didn’t have to talk the whole time…. umm ya I got out of there as quickly as I could, but this was nothing like that. It was pleasant and not as awkward as I assumed it would be.

The crazy part is he apparently found me quirky or whatnot and wants to go out again tonight. Oh and I forgot to mention I recognized him from my bus. It seems it has taken him a few months to get the courage to ask me lol. It is a weird feeling having someone seek me out like that. But I am willing to give it a shot. Wish me luck!

❤ a girl

Figuring Out What Makes Me Free

freedom

I don’t want to be boxed in anymore.

There is a box for who I am supposed to be. I am reminded on a regular basis by friends, pictures, and memories of who I was. Not just last year, but back in high school and when I was just a kid. It is constantly brought to my attention that I was happy, energetic, positive, upbeat, colorful… you get the picture. It’s not like I don’t want to be those things; right now I just can’t be. But I want to stop feeling bad about it. It’s not like I am some horrifying person. I still have good qualities and “the me I used to be” is still buried deep down, you just have to look a little harder.

There is a box for what I am supposed to believe. Religion. Faith. Those are tricky subjects that I am caught in-between. Right now I am not sure where I am. I have been attending a small group and doing a devotional regularly, but I have not jumped in with both feet. I am not against or for, I am just exploring. I like having something to believe in, but I do not like all of the ridiculous rules that comes with it. I am just trying to find a balance at my own pace. This isn’t something I want to rush, because I want it to be genuine.

There is a box for how I am supposed to behave. They say actions speak louder than words and as much as I agree with this, I also think that words hit home harder. I used to pride myself in being an honest, blunt person, but everyone seemed to have a love/hate relationship with that part of me. They were proud I was their friend and I could say things they couldn’t, but then they would shush me when it was too embarrassing. Lately, with my insecurities running on high, I haven’t been as outspoken and I miss that– apparently so do my friends, because they keep telling me to find that fire and spark I used to have, but my only condition… when I find that part of me again, no one can shame me for it.

I want to be free. Free to think. Free to feel. Free to express.

 

I wanted my blog to show outwardly my inward need to feel free.

  • The pictures at the top represent things that make me feel free… the beach, Converse, roadtrips, dreamcatchers, and VW beetles.
  • The categories are more specific to what my life is about right now.
  • The Bucket List page is about to be under-construction to actually list attainable goals that are currently on my heart.

This new look and feel has freedom to it and I love it!

❤ a girl

Lost and Confused

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This post really has no goal, no underlying truth, no meaning… it is just me trying to sort out the mess I am in. I’m basically just confused and can’t figure what went wrong, what I did, where we stand, or what is going on. Oh these questions that I just can’t seem to answer.

It is a weird feeling when the one person you talked to all day ever day for over two months just becomes too busy to talk to you anymore. At first I got it; he is leaving for the military on Monday and has stuff to do things to get together and people to see, but does that really mean that your fingers can’t send a quick text every few hours? Does that really mean that you can’t spare 5 minutes for a quick phone call? I know I am whiny and slightly irritating, but at least have the decency to say that instead of just cut me off slowly.

Then how you make a HUGE mistake and feel completely AWFUL about it and wish you could fix it and that your apology would be adequate. You beat yourself up about it for the night and the whole next day. When he doesn’t respond to your heartfelt and sincere apology, you figure he hates you and wants nothing to do with you and you deserve it. But then when you finally breakdown and call he is busy with family and says he will talk later and isn’t upset. You are upset and a little confused, but you figure you will talk about it later that night, but then he never calls or texts.

You decide to be persistent, because you don’t want this relationship to end, because you still have feelings for this person. You send a good morning text to remind him that you still exist and a few hours later get a response, but sadly it doesn’t elicit a response from you, so you leave him be. Then it happens– he texts you first!! He tells you a little about his day (yay!), but that’s it. Not a big deal, you reply with a small tidbit about your day and then nothing. So the confusion continues. You decide to call later that night when you figure he will be at home and not busy with anything, but he doesn’t answer. He texts letting you know he is driving. He seems to be driving for what seems like ages, so you text again. He finally replies much later that he went to see a movie in a different city, he is sorry for not communicating very much, and says he will call tomorrow. Now begs the question… will he actually? Why won’t he just call now? Sure, I am overbearing, but I haven’t gotten to talk to the one person I used to talk to on a daily basis in almost a week, so kill me if I miss him!

So here we are- today -no response to either text. I don’t know what this means. I don’t know where we stand. Are we even still friends, much less a thing? I just don’t know how to feel when the one person I used to count on doesn’t even seem to care that I exist or want to know how I am doing. I don’t know what to think about this whole thing? At first, I thought maybe he was just distancing himself to make leaving easier, but he said he wasn’t, so that left me even more confused. I really just want to talk to him even if it is for five freaking minutes, I just want to hear his smile through the phone and know what has been going on with him, because he means so much to me.

Am I awful? Am I overbearing? Am I needy? Sure, I’ll admit I might be all of those things at one time or another, but right now I am mainly just confused and would really like some answers.

❤ a girl

P.S. He still sends me the occasional smiley face, so I don’t think he is done, I just don’t know…