Don’t Flatter Yourself

Strangers With Memories

Last week one of my friends was asking about how Jeremiah and I were doing as a couple. Honestly, he and I are absolutely wonderful. That sounds cheesy and some would brush it off as that first stage in a relationship, but by saying we are absolutely wonderful, I am not saying that we are perfect.

We are both flawed people who have our issues that shine through here and there, but we are also both people who understand the other is flawed. We expect for there to be rough times and disagreements, but that is how we find out if we can work together to work through it. I cherish Jeremiah for his issues and his quirks. I might not always understand them, but I like trying, because through trying, I get to learn more about him and the way he ticks.

Well my friend smiled and said she figured Jeremiah and I had the real thing and claimed she knew we would end up together from the start. Laughing, she told me that some thought he was just a rebound. I asked her who and she was like oh, you know.. really just one person. I didn’t know and she told me Q was claiming Jeremiah was just a rebound from him. Who he was telling, who knows, but who cares. He doesn’t get an opinion about anything. I gave him a chance (only God knows why) and he not only let it go, but pushed me so far away even after multiple chances to redeem himself.

I made a point to make sure my heart and head were in the right place before allowing myself to accept my feelings for Jeremiah. I told him no twice before I decided I was ready, so I would rather someone get the facts before spreading false conclusions. Q is the one who decided he didn’t want me, so he doesn’t get to care about what I do or who I see. I finally took steps to cleanse my room of things of his, because I don’t want to be associated with him anymore.

Jeremiah is amazing, sweet, caring, thoughtful, creative, flawed, and weird, but he is who I want. I can’t even remember ever wanting anyone like I want him. He is my best friend and that is how I always wanted it to be. I smile and laugh so much around him, but he also allows me to cry when I need to. We make an incredible team and I cannot wait to see what is in store for us!

Here’s to choosing not to let false, hurtful words actually hurt us, because it isn’t worth it!

❤ Lauren

Friends For Sure

So the wait is over… Carrot and I are officially for the time being friends.

I won’t lie. I was really hoping that he would choose option 1. But I am surprisingly okay with him wanting to be friends. Don’t get me wrong: I still really like him and care about him so much, but I am willing to take a step back and just show him how much I care through friendship.

I was pretty upset at first, because I felt that I was (again) not good enough to make sacrifices for, but then I started thinking maybe taking a step back from me while he figures out his thoughts and stress is the sacrifice.

I have no hard feelings towards him. I don’t hate him nor am I mad at him. I honestly believe he is trying to do the right thing. I have not lost all hope that we are over forever.

Now we have to figure out how friendship actually works. I have been trying, but he hasn’t really been responding, so now I am kind of stuck. I refuse to give up, but this will definitely be a learning experience.

❤ Lauren

The Ball is in His Court

For my sake, let’s pretend this is a hypothetical situation.

So this weekend happened. It was weird, confusing, and emotional. The clouds are starting to clear, but yesterday was still pretty foggy and I was still pretty hurt. I took it upon myself to give myself some more power in the situation. (Hint: I don’t let people go very easily, especially if I care!)

So needless to say my mind is a house that got sucked into a tornado. I haven’t been able to sleep or think straight or be calm. I ended up skipping my last two classes yesterday and grabbed lunch and studied with a close friend instead. I decided to create three cards labeled Option 1, Option 2, and Option 3.

He and I had discussed Option 1 and Option 2. I use the term discussed very loosely. We had a “breakup” conversation three times and each one had a different conclusion, so I am unsure where I stand currently. So these option cards were intended to make it clear to him what I see our options being and what each one means to me.

Option 1: Stay together, but take things slow. He feels he needs more time to focus on school and work, so we would only spend time together on the weekends while just talking on the phone and texting during the week. Open communication and being honest about how we feel about everything; no secrets. Making an effort to show the other that they care in anyway they deem fit. Show affection, because attraction is not something to be ashamed of. Meet each other halfway; 50 from me and 50 from him… understand that we are both messy humans and we can’t be perfect.

Option 2: Breakup, but stay friends. This would have to come with more boundaries. Of course we will spend time together, but not so much expectation. No touching though besides hugs, because I happen to be extremely attracted to him and vice versa, so that could get messy. No jealousy; if he picks this I will be single, so he cannot lay claim to me. I am not on hold for him; it will be my choice if I choose to wait for him to get his shit together.

Option 3: Breakup, and not be friends. This is what it sounds like. Minimal communication. No planned hangouts, only accidental stuff when we both happen to be at the same event or something. No touching. No jealousy. [This really isn’t in the running…]

So anyhow I gave them to him last night around 5pm and I still haven’t heard anything, but I am calmer than I have been in awhile. I actually drove over there earlier to nicely demand an answer, but he wasn’t home, so now I have to give him more time to think. It sounds ridiculous, but he really does have a lot going on and a lot to think about, so I don’t hate him for trying. Picking between a sweet girl and everything else can be hard, so I have so much respect for him.

I’ll keep y’all posted on this hypothetical situation!

❤ Lauren

 

The Flip of a Switch

Depression is a sly thing. It can creep up on you when you least expect it and cause your emotions to go haywire at the flip of a switch.

Just two days ago, I wrote to all of you and said how great I was doing. I wrote about how excited I was to return to this blog and start writing again. I hadn’t had any depressive episodes in about a month. I had been doing so well. It’s funny how it only takes one moment to destroy everything you had worked so hard to become.

If it isn’t obvious, this post is to tell you to please disregard that last post, because I have fallen. Yesterday I had a major breakdown and it hasn’t really stopped since all of it went down. Granted, it was a deserved breakdown, but a closet-bound evening of tears no less.

I never got a chance to tell y’all about my first official relationship. It lasted all of three weeks and as of yesterday it is over (sort of). That’s the thing: it was going so well. Carrot was wonderful, cheesy, sweet, weird, nerdy, tall, Christian. We got along so well and had lots of fun together. Then Saturday night he decides to tell me that he isn’t sure if he wants a relationship with me. It isn’t that he doesn’t want me, it’s that he’s not sure if he does…. um WTF! Isn’t the opposite of one, the other? Of course it cannot be that easy and here I am (again!) left not being good enough to be chosen, fought for, or sacrificed for.

Every time I would go to leave, he would say that he didn’t want me to go, that he didn’t want me out of his life. I assured him I wouldn’t just disappear, but you can’t have it both ways. He wants to just be friends while he figures it all out. That’s great, except I can’t just flip the freaking switch and go back to just seeing him as a friend. No freaking way! But I am me, so I agreed to give it a shot. I don’t hate him, although I probably should, but I feel like he is trying to do the right thing in his own way.

We agreed to meet at the library today to study as friends between our classes. He said he would call me and tell me where. I got to the library and waited 15 minutes. No call. No text. No him. Deep down I knew he wouldn’t show. I called him. No answer. I called him again once I left the library. He answered, said he slept in and was getting ready. I knew this would happen. I knew he wouldn’t make trying to be friends with me a priority. So here I am, back to where I always am.

On Saturday, after he told me all of that, we agreed to still go to his friend’s game night. We had a great time and he started acting normal again, so I thought all was well and we were going to make all this work. I showed up the next morning to take him to church. We sat together, we joked in the car, all was well. Then as we are pulling up to his house, he says it again: he isn’t sure if I am what he wants. So we have this conversation again. This time we conclude that we are going to scale back on how often we see each other and all that jazz; all is well. We go inside, make lunch, watch tv… and then a couple hours later we are having the conversation again.

This time it was harder. I cried. I didn’t want to, but sometimes I can’t handle being told I am not good enough over and over again. At least this time I was worth a conversation (or three), because last time I wasn’t even worth a goodbye. It is just hard to hear that he cares about me and that I am wonderful, but still he isn’t sure. We migrated outside. Still can’t let go, but still not sure. He hugs me. It’s warm and tight. But he still isn’t sure. I finally get to my car and as he walks back inside, I absolutely freaking lose it.

I lose it, because I want to be good enough so bad. I lose it, because I know we would have been great. I lose it, because he is pushing me away, because I am something good he doesn’t think he deserves. I lose it, because I knew this was bound to come. I lose it over and over again for the next hour just sitting outside his house. Then I finally leave, make it home, and lose it again curled up in my closet. The tears just wouldn’t stop.

I know what y’all are going to say. That I deserve better. That I should let him go. That I should hate him. That I should walk away and never look back. That I am worth it. But right now I just want him to make a choice. I want him to choose me.

❤ Lauren

I Have No Default Feeling

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Sassy. Sweet. Sarcastic. Sad. Spazzy. Shocked. Energetic. Awkward. Quiet. Loud. Joyful. Talkative. Angry. Unsure. Irritated. Prissy. Happy. Depressed.

I do not believe that people have set characteristics or a default setting. I don’t think there are happy people and sad people. I think that we get to choose how we feel. I think we get to choose how we let the situations life throws our way affects and changes us.

Everyone has different sides that show at different times. There are some people who know me as the loudest, spazziest, most outspoken person they have ever encountered, yet there are some people who have never heard me say a word and witness me trip over my own feet.

I have certain friends who get the privilege of hearing my rants, others who only hear about the good moments, and those really special ones who get to enjoy both. Some people have never heard me raise my voice where others have endured my angry wrath. Sometimes I let loose, but most of the time I clam up.

Just call me queen of the eye-roll, master of car concerts, never-miss-a-beat opinion giver, and administer of the silent treatment. I am not one thing, but multiple things and I believe that everyone is this way.

So be sure to think twice before jumping to conclusions when someone is acting different… We cannot expect someone to be the same at all times in all situations. I change. You change. They change. This makes us people.

❤ a girl