Mixed Feelings

Mixed Feelings

A few days ago when I heard the lyrics about being a certain person for an amount of time, I was feeling pretty over my whole situation. I felt like I finally understood (as much as I could) what happened and was confident that I could move on.

Then last night I got thrown a curve-ball. My friend and I were on our way to Dallas for an art show when she tells me that she had coffee with Q on Friday. I wasn’t necessarily upset, because a) he and I aren’t together anymore and b) they are allowed to be friends, but I was more jealous of the fact that she got to see him and I can’t. She wouldn’t tell me how he was doing besides telling me that he was fine, but that is the worst adjective ever. It just sucks that I care about him so much and now I know all of this stuff he is dealing with and I can’t even grab coffee and see how he is just because I am the ex-girlfriend.

So now I realize that I am not over it, to make matters worse, he texts me that night after I got back from the show. It was so random. He just asked how my weekend was going. This is a good sign that we have the potential to be friends, but it just caught me off guard. I asked how his weekend was going and I find out that he took his dog to the park and went to see Deadpool. This isn’t a big deal either except those were two things we were supposed to do together. It just amazed me that now he has all this time, money, and energy to meet up with friends, get out of the house, and do stuff…… I guess I am more irritated than anything, but it was good to hear from him.

I am still confident I can move on, but I have to understand that I will always care about him, but that doesn’t mean that I like him. At this moment (for the first time ever!) I don’t really want to be asked out, I just want to focus on me and my friendships… if someone wants to flirt with me and engage in witty banter and just be interested in being a good friend of mine, I won’t be opposed, but I just need to get over the other two relationships that are still nagging at me. I totally understand now how life gets so complicated when real feelings become involved.

Happy Valentine’s Day friends!

❤ Lauren

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A Clean Slate Is What I Need.

I started blogging back in the fall of 2013 when I went off to college. It was scary moving to a new state and being seven hours away from everything familiar to me. Instead of having an amazing experience like most who leave for college, I grew very sad and lonely, so I threw myself into reading. I would read all the time, so I was making my way through more books than ever before and I so desperately wanted someone to discuss them with. This led to The Bittersweet Bookworm; my first blog ever. It started as a book blog and then morphed into a just all around review blog.

Eventually I grew bored of it, but for no reason in particular. So I brainstormed what I wanted to do differently. I thought using a pseudonym would be more fun, so Passionate for Paperbacks, my next blog strictly dedicated to books, was created. Sadly, I lost interest in this blog only after two months. Having a strict book blog is hard work!

Throughout the last couple years, I have created multiple blogs for different things, but they all end up being the same thing. There was Footprints of an Opinionated Ginger, Oh! It’s Lo., Books & Bliss, and Escaping the Raincloud. But for some reason I am never satisfied.

This past February I was going through a hard time and really changing, so one night I just needed to vent to someone who didn’t know me personally, so Just a Precious Penny was born. I loved it and it has been my outlet ever since. I started out anonymous, but little by little I opened up by posting photos of myself and adding my name at some points. I was able to express myself without feeling judged. I wrote about my wavering faith, my friendships, my “making mistakes on purpose” phase, my fears, my insecurities, and my confusing relationship.

I have made some amazing friends through this blog and have grown so much. Through your support and encouragement, I no longer feel like the only person in the world who has these thoughts, feelings, and fears. BUT this blog is secret from my friends, family, and anyone who actually knows me in real life. I so desperately want to express my feelings with no shame to the people in my life, but there are posts on here that I don’t want them to see, but I also don’t want to delete them, because what I wrote on here was true and raw and a tribute to what I was feeling. In the past few months so much of this blog was dedicated to a certain someone I no longer want to think about, to my frustration, sadness, and confusion in relation to this situation. As silly as it sounds, I associate this space with that, so I am finding it hard to grow in my writing, because it is such a reminder.

I want a place that is all mine for growth, venting, truth, excitement, thoughts, feelings, opinions, creativity, and recollection. 

So (yep, you guessed it lol!) I have created a new space for all of the above mentioned. It will be a blank space, clean slate, new canvas. I can start over. This new space won’t have any ties to the negativity that has bogged me down for so long. I want to begin again with a new mentality!

I don’t want to leave y’all behind, because I appreciate y’all so incredibly much and I love getting to know you, so I am going to continue to follow your journeys. If you can forgive me for all of the new blogs I create and leave, I would like very much to continue growing with you in my new space.


 

Beautifully Bowman is where I will be expressing myself publicly to my fellow bloggers, friends, family, and all people who know me. It will be a challenge and an adventure to convey my feelings and thoughts with confidence and without shame, but I am excited to begin!

I, Lauren Bowman, have been the girl identifying with each and every one of you. I started out as a girl struggling with self-love, self-confidence, and self-worth; I am still a girl who struggles, but I want to be a girl who struggles openly and confidently. I am a girl who can proudly say she isn’t perfect, but also that I don’t need to be. I am beautiful and strong with flaws, fears, and weaknesses that do not define me!

So I cannot wait to keep growing with y’all in my space that has yet to be tainted.

I Still Have a Lot of Fight Left in Me

future 1

I have never been so excited to welcome November, but here I am waiting with open arms. This month is all about letting go, moving on, and gaining a brighter focus. I have been bogged down by what-ifs for too long and I am ready to wash them away.

Letting Go

“It hurts to let go, but sometimes it hurts worse to hold on.”

For awhile now I have been replaying fears and failures in my mind. It’s funny how the things you wish could go in one ear and out the other somehow seem to get stuck in the middle. Embracing the fact that I cannot be perfect is something that I have been really working at. Some days I think I can conquer the world and others I don’t think I can manage to make it down the stairs, but I am tired of letting perfectionism and insecurity rule my mind. Starting now, I am going to be proactive in helping make all aspects of my life healthy and happy.

Moving On

“I feel like I’m waiting for something that isn’t going to happen.”

I have realized that I feel better when I am not thinking about the person I thought meant something to me. I have been hurt and confused by him for too long and I will no longer be a pawn. We have all read quotes about how if things are meant to me, they will be… it shouldn’t rip you apart. I never really believed or understood this until now. I used to always believe that all things take hard work, but now I realize there is a difference between a relationship that takes work (because they all do) and ones that leave you lost and in tears.

“You need to realize that he doesn’t care and you could be missing out on someone who does.”

That sounds harsh, but isn’t it the truth. Maybe he does care a little, but if he isn’t showing it then it’s basically the same thing. In the past couple days I have been reminded that I have options; that other guys find me cute and desirable. I haven’t always felt that way, but I don’t live in a box and there are plenty of cute, sweet guys out there who will treat me right and love me well.

Brighter Focus

“Waiting for someone else to make you happy is the best way to be sad.”

Believing in myself is not the easiest, but if I am constantly looking for approval in the eyes of others (friends or guys) then I won’t ever be satisfied in who I am. I need to learn how to be independent and comfortable in my own skin. When I was younger, I used to be so confident in who I was and didn’t care what anyone thought of me and I knew that the only people worth being in my life were the ones who accepted me for all my characteristics. Somewhere along the way I lost that confidence and I want to focus on finding it again.

I know there is a light at the end of this tunnel and I have recently begun to feel its warmth. There is hope for me– my attitude, my thoughts, my feelings, my future. I am not a dead-end; never was and never will be. I just have to keep trekking and keeping my head up high.

The past three days have been wonderful and I am going to make sure November is full of more days as great as those.

❤ a girl

Big T-Shirts & Ponytails

self confidenceSo there is this guy.

Don’t most of these stories start like that? Well there is this guy, but this story isn’t about him. It’s about me.

There is this guy and I may have a crush on him, but if you knew the situation, you might say that I am ridiculous. But I can’t help it. He makes me laugh and smile and blush. Those are all good things, but I have never been the kind of girl that bases what she thinks about herself on what a guy thinks.

Well tonight I did something extremely out of character for me. I went out on a limb and for a second I regretted it.

Yesterday, we were having a disagreement about whether my day outfit was cuter than my pjs. He told me that he thought girls were much more attractive when they were comfortable; like wearing a big t-shirt with their hair in a ponytail. It just so happened that my pjs consisted of a big t-shirt and my hair was in a ponytail.

I may have mentioned that I just happened to be wearing that and he said he wouldn’t mind a picture. Well, of course, I said no. He wasn’t pushy about it by any means, but now that I look back I don’t understand why I was so reluctant. I was clothed and I was looking cute. Why did I think this was a big deal?

We talked all day today; I was in a better mood and feeling a bit flirty (even though I honestly have no idea how to flirt, which could be a problem), so as I changed into my pjs, I may have examined myself in the mirror. I was clothed and cute and maybe wanted a compliment.

As I have said before, I don’t do well with accepting compliments, but that doesn’t mean I don’t crave them. I figured it would be a win for both of us. So, I took the picture. After minutes of deliberation, I decided to send it. I am not sure what kind of reaction I was hoping for. Obviously, I knew what I was getting myself into, but I still freaked out when what I was hoping for came true.

He liked it. He said some sweet things. It’s what I wanted, right? I stared at the text and then myself and I started doing what I always do when someone compliments me. I disregard it, because how could they possibly think that… they have to say those things to be nice and not hurt my feelings.

Seriously? What is wrong with me? The guy thinks I am cute. No big deal. Say thank you and let it go. I started this. I asked for it in the first place.

I appreciated the compliment. It made my cheeks burn. It caused butterflies in my stomach. Maybe the reason I want compliments is because I am human, but I don’t like to accept them, because I don’t want to feel like I care about what others think.

So what I need to do is find that balance!

❤ a girl

We Can’t All Be Hourglasses

flat chested

Being confident seems like a catch-22 sometimes.

My personality isn’t really a problem. That molds itself to whatever situation I find myself in and my sass can handle itself, but there are times when I am not confident with my physical self as I am with my mental self.

Let’s just get this straight: I am 5’1 (and a fourth). I am 97 pounds. I have A-cup breasts. I have no butt. My feet are a size 5 and a half.

Now there is nothing wrong with being a petite woman. I can embrace it for the most part and have been ever since I was very little and everyone started looking different than the stick that I am. But it can become difficult to keep that confidence and be proud of your body.

First, you can’t control what you look like. When we get down to it, the basis of what we look like has to do with genes. I have blue eyes and pale skin, plus I am short. Well my parents happen to look a lot like that.

Second, I happen to have a fast metabolism, so I get so frustrated when people tell me I need to “put meat on my bones”… hello! Do y’all just think I don’t feed myself, because I am actually quite the pig.

Third, it becomes an ordeal to see yourself as a beautiful woman and believe that somewhere out there a handsome boy will too, when everywhere I go I get mistaken for a child (as young as 12). I know I will “be grateful for this when I am older”, but honestly no one wants to be told this every day. Sometimes I just want someone to realize that I am, in fact, 20 years old.

Lastly, there is all this talk about body type. It has always been a thing that society tells all girls they need to be skinny and look like models, but I don’t think this is the case all the time. I am all for plus size models and more realistic looking manikins, but people need to understand that there is this fine line. Bigger girls are told they need to be smaller and smaller girls are told they need to be bigger, but there is no perfect size.

We have artists singing songs about how men like curvy girls and I appreciate that they are standing up for themselves, but I don’t feel like we have reached equality in this war between thin females and larger females. We are all beautiful and should lift each other up and encourage one another. We should be proud that we don’t all look the same. I am a skinny, curve-less girl by no choice of my own and I am tired of feeling self-conscious about it one day and ashamed the next.

This all came to me earlier when I was at a lingerie shower (which by the way I survived 😉 ). There were these cookies that one girl had made and they were all of these very voluptuous butts and breasts. It wasn’t a big deal, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that this is what society expects; big booty girls with breasts to match.

I don’t know why this has struck a chord in me, but I guess I am just tired of the endless hooplah about female body image. I am tired of hearing that society tells woman they should be thin, because I don’t think that is what society preaches anymore. I think society preaches that you should be “just right”, but there isn’t a just right. Depending on what body type you have is what dictates what society tells you. As a female I want to stop feeling inadequate just because I am a small and I want my friends to stop feeling inadequate because they are curvy, plump, or pear shaped.

We are all beautiful and perfect and if you wish to lose weight or tone your body then let that be up to you and not by the people around you.

❤ a girl

P.S. This whole “body pride” thing all started earlier when I was picking out what to wear to the shower. I chose this summer dress that was airy and had spaghetti straps. I realized that it looked super cute on me, but that no one else at the party could have pulled it off. At that moment I was so proud of my figure and decided to embrace my no butt, flat-chest body and work it to the best of my ability.