Face It

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My final piece of advice to you is to face it. Face everything shitty you have done to someone else, face why you did it, face the fact that you did do it. Face everything shitty that has been done to you, face how it made you feel. Once you’ve done all of that then stare the shitty stuff in the face and embrace it. Grow from it. Be better, don’t keep the shit cycle going. Break it.

I read a creative story written by my roommate, Stars, and it really struck a chord with me. Although it was a creative story, it was based off her true experiences of hurt, heartache, and confusion… Lord knows I have been there too (this blog proves it!). Her last paragraph encourages you to face all the shit in your life, not just what you have endured, but also what you have caused.

Accepting that everyone, including you, causes hurt, heartache, and confusion is so important in helping yourself move on and make a change. Learning to respect each other and be considerate instead of allowing ourselves to be treated like dirt is how we can break the cycle.

I have been inspired to face all the shit in my life, caused and endured. So stay tuned to learn how I felt about certain treatment I have received as well as what caused my bad treatment of others. Let’s face the crap and break the cycle!

No Longer

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Before July my life was simple.

Before July I was that girl who wished for someone to accept her as is and give her the time of day to express herself and show that she was special.

Before July I was that girl who was sad and depressed, because she felt lonely and like no one cared to get to know her.

Before July I was that girl who never did anything not expected of her.

Before July I was that girl who played it safe by never taking any risks or chances.

July.

Because of July I felt accepted, appreciated, and cherished.

Because of July I stepped out of my comfort zone, tried new things, and was open to different perspectives.

Because of July I was sappy, smiley, and chatty.

Because of July I was able to unleash a part of myself I never felt comfortable with.

Because of July I let myself be vulnerable, be hurt.


Before January I was that girl who had never been in a relationship.

Before January I was that girl who was always single and was never pursued.

Before January I was that girl who was afraid of being touched, of letting people get close, of intimacy.

Before January I was that girl who had never kissed, cuddled, or slept over.

Before January I was cautious yet hopeful.

January.

Because of January I felt special, wanted, and attractive.

Because of January I have now kissed, cuddled, and slept over.

Because of January I can no longer identify with the girl who has never been in a relationship.

Because of January my view of love and relationships is skewed and altered.

Because of January I am confused, hurt, and cynical.


Before February I was that girl who was just best friends with a guy.

Before February I was that girl who was lost, confused, and hurt; obsessing over what happened and what went wrong.

Before February I was that girl who would have frowned upon what I am feeling now.

Before February I was that girl who knew what she wanted and would have stood up for it.

February.

Because of February my feelings are all out of whack.

Because of February I am questioning everything.

Because of February I am not sure where I stand in this thing we call friendship.

Because of February I feel I have to contemplate labels and what they mean to me.

Because of February I keep asking what I want, what I feel, and what I think.


Truth is: I just don’t know.

Visiting Home Is Like Staring At A Pitchfork

no explanations

It had been about a month since I had been home, so going back this past weekend was a mix of feelings. Home is one of my favorite places to be, but I wasn’t enjoying all of the memories this time around. Yesterday, I was having a fantastic day spending time with my mom and then my phone lights up with a response to a group message and my whole day goes downhill from there.

Two words. That’s all it took to spin my mind into all different kinds of directions. Two stupid words from one specific person. I wish people’s actions and non-actions didn’t affect me so much, but honestly I can’t help it. Well late that night I was coming home from a birthday party that didn’t help my mindset at all and I ended up in my high school parking lot.

I just sat there in my car staring at this building that holds so many memories. It was like staring at a pitchfork. The left prong signifies what I used to dream my life would look like. The right prong signifies how I currently dream my life will look like. The middle prong signifies how my life is actually going. Sadly as I looked at this picture, my life doesn’t seem to be looking at all what I hoped or what I hope it would. Then I lost it.

There are days I just feel so lost. My college experience sucks. My friends are all excelling and changing. My family is constantly growing together and then falling apart. My mind is a warzone. Most days I don’t know who I am or where I am going. I just feel stuck and alone and pathetic. I desperately want some kind of direction and an identity.

As I sat there in that parking lot, I thought a lot about the girl who used to walk those halls. I thought about her smile, her laughter, her attitude, her friends, her dreams. I thought about how one of my friends told me that she missed the old me, the one who was her best friend. Then I lost it all over again. That girl wasn’t always all smiles and sass… she had many nights of tears and many walks alone in the park; she was just better at hiding it.

I don’t think I can be that girl again. So much has happened since I was 14, a wide-eyed freshman, and 18, a hopeful senior. I can’t just go back and forget all that has happened to me, all that I have felt, all that I have been told, all that has surfaced… it has scarred me and shaped me. I don’t think I can be that girl again, but what does that mean for me?

❤ a girl

Maybe That’s All It Was Supposed To Be

people coming and goingI have been hooked on the show Law and Order: SVU and was just watching the episode where Benson and Cassidy kind of break up. Throughout the episode it shows their disconnect and how they are both stagnate and stuck. At the end, Benson realizes that their lives are going in different directions. She wants kids and someone to grow old with and he doesn’t think about growing old ever. She also explains that they were both in pretty low times in their life when they got close. He had been shot and was demoted and she was attacked. They both helped each other through those times, but maybe that’s all it was supposed to be. They both quietly come to the same conclusion and Cassidy tells Benson he loves her and she says she will always love him. But you can tell they are going to go their separate ways.

Watching this really tugged at my heart and my mind. It got me thinking about you. Which lately I have been trying not to do (but it’s very difficult!). I see us kind of like Benson and Cassidy. When we “met” you had only lived in South Dakota for a few months and didn’t have too many friends and wanted someone to talk to, I was having a rough summer struggling with feeling lonely and trying to figure who I am. You were there for me. Every freaking day. You made me feel connected and not alone. You encouraged me to make my own choices and take chances.  I talked your ear off. Always having some new story to tell. We helped each other through those times and maybe that’s all it was supposed to be. As much as I wish I could still be there for you, I don’t think you want or need me anymore. It would be great if I could have some closure, but I don’t think that is going to happen, so I just have to be ok with going our own ways. Maybe that is best.

❤ a girl

Don’t Just Throw Me A Bone

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I don’t know if you read these posts anymore, but if you do, don’t miss this: Stop Screwing With My Head! I have made it evidently clear how I feel and I have stayed true through all of this, but what are you doing? Because let me be clear: I am confused.

So you get back and don’t contact me. Fine. No big deal. I figured you were busy trying to get reacclimated to your life. Two days later you message me. It was the most generic word possible, but I was grateful to hear from you. The smiley face made it better. I respond. Nothing. Nothing. Still Nothing.

I call. Nothing. I text. Nothing. I skype. Nothing. I reply. Nothing.

I don’t understand what you want from me. I don’t appreciate being treated like this. If you don’t have an intention to respond (or even read!) my response then please refrain from contacting me in the first place. Don’t misunderstand: I want to talk to you. I have been waiting anxiously for six weeks, but you need to put some effort in as well. You have so many options: Facebook, text message, phone call, tweet, direct message, email, skype………….. I am here. I have been waiting. I have made myself available.

I want to understand where we stand. I want to understand what we are. I want to understand how you feel. I want to understand what you are thinking. But I am running out of explanations and excuses. I want to be here for you. I want you period. But you aren’t making it very easy for me. It feels like you are deliberately ignoring me and in the beginning I was okay with it. I had come to terms with it, but then you go and contact me… why?

I have to stop chasing you. I don’t want to which is why I haven’t been successful thus far. But you need to give me the time of day or make me some kind of priority. Because my head is so foggy, I can’t see think straight. One minute I think you are done with me and then the next you throw me a bone, but then you go back to ignoring me. It has to stop. Tell me what you are thinking or what you want or what you feel… even if you know it isn’t what I want to hear. I would appreciate that more than this.

I miss our monologues. I miss our honesty. I miss our laughter. I miss our smiles. I miss you. But I need some answers.

❤ a girl