3 Words & 8 Letters

3-words-8-letters

Three words. Eight letters. I Love You.

I find the phrase “I Love You” so fascinating! Have you ever actually thought about what this phrase means? Or better yet, what it means to you? Have you ever wondered about the expectations it carries around? Do you toy with the idea of saying it to someone? Do you think about saying it at all?

Before this year, I said “I Love You” to family members and various close friends, but now that I started thinking about it, I realized there were stipulations on those who heard these words from me. I said “I Love You” to my parents as a no-brainer, but I don’t regularly tell my brother that I love him even though I do. Why? I don’t know, but it could be that we do not have a mushy-gushy type of relationship. When it comes to my friends, select few get a “Love You” as I give them a hug goodbye when I know I won’t see them for awhile. I realized that since I cycle through friends so frequently, I don’t say “I Love You” very regularly to those friends I consider close; they have to earn it. Yet I tell my puppy I love her multiple times a day.

It seems as if some love is earned while some is automatic.

But saying “I Love You” comes with a tremendous amount of expectations when used in the romantic world. It is this idea that saying it is a big deal and it has to be the right moment with the right person. Some people think through all this while others just do or don’t, but never consciously think about it. Last year, I talked with Mitten (a boy-interest) every day all the time for about four months. I felt so connected to him, because he listened and talked to me. Yet I never said that I loved him. I dated Carrot for about three weeks or so back in January. I thought we really connected for about a week or two. Yet I never said that I loved him. I never thought about whether I loved them. I never thought about saying that I loved them to draw us closer or fix our relationship. I never thought about whether I should or was supposed to love them. It never crossed my mind. Was it because I knew they weren’t the ones for me? Was it because I didn’t really feel for them? Well I can tell you that I didn’t love either one of those boys and I think it was a good decision that I never made the mistake of using the phrase “I Love You” for any purpose or reason other than to express a feeling.

The first time I ever said “I Love You” to someone who was more than a friend or family was to Penguin. He is my best friend, has been since about December, and we started dating around March. He makes me smile and laugh and drives me absolutely crazy, but I have loved him since the beginning. I loved him because he did more than just try and get my attention; he really listened and understood me! He never made me feel inadequate or insecure. He challenged me and encouraged me. I could go on and on about why I love Penguin, but the thing is that I did not tell him I loved him right off the bat. Did I hold it in because I didn’t want to scare him off? Did I hold it in because I wanted to make sure he felt the same way? Truth is- I never thought about it, shockingly, I never over-analyzed it. One day, I just told him. Ya, I said “it” first and I wasn’t ashamed and it wasn’t weird.

The thing about Penguin and I is that although we have said that we love each other and we both know that love is in the air, we do not say we love each other every time we see each other. We don’t say it every time we say goodbye to each other. We don’t say it every time we call each other. I think what makes that phrase special to us, is that we don’t overuse it. “I Love You” is not a greeting or goodbye for us, it is a sincere feeling that we only say when we are truly feeling it. Yes, we say it when we are being serious and silly, but we never say it just because we know we should or are supposed to.

I think that is important. I don’t think there is anything wrong with people who think about when to say it and who to say it to, but I think you won’t have to when the time and the person is right!

Don’t Flatter Yourself

Strangers With Memories

Last week one of my friends was asking about how Jeremiah and I were doing as a couple. Honestly, he and I are absolutely wonderful. That sounds cheesy and some would brush it off as that first stage in a relationship, but by saying we are absolutely wonderful, I am not saying that we are perfect.

We are both flawed people who have our issues that shine through here and there, but we are also both people who understand the other is flawed. We expect for there to be rough times and disagreements, but that is how we find out if we can work together to work through it. I cherish Jeremiah for his issues and his quirks. I might not always understand them, but I like trying, because through trying, I get to learn more about him and the way he ticks.

Well my friend smiled and said she figured Jeremiah and I had the real thing and claimed she knew we would end up together from the start. Laughing, she told me that some thought he was just a rebound. I asked her who and she was like oh, you know.. really just one person. I didn’t know and she told me Q was claiming Jeremiah was just a rebound from him. Who he was telling, who knows, but who cares. He doesn’t get an opinion about anything. I gave him a chance (only God knows why) and he not only let it go, but pushed me so far away even after multiple chances to redeem himself.

I made a point to make sure my heart and head were in the right place before allowing myself to accept my feelings for Jeremiah. I told him no twice before I decided I was ready, so I would rather someone get the facts before spreading false conclusions. Q is the one who decided he didn’t want me, so he doesn’t get to care about what I do or who I see. I finally took steps to cleanse my room of things of his, because I don’t want to be associated with him anymore.

Jeremiah is amazing, sweet, caring, thoughtful, creative, flawed, and weird, but he is who I want. I can’t even remember ever wanting anyone like I want him. He is my best friend and that is how I always wanted it to be. I smile and laugh so much around him, but he also allows me to cry when I need to. We make an incredible team and I cannot wait to see what is in store for us!

Here’s to choosing not to let false, hurtful words actually hurt us, because it isn’t worth it!

❤ Lauren

To Have and To Hold

Find A Heart

Remember that guy I told y’all about at the beginning of this month? Remember how happy I was? Well… I am back to report that he is still by my side and I am still happy!

3:25 [4]

That guy’s name is Jeremiah and I wanted to do a post where I just expressed all he does for me and why I care about him so much… and that will come when I have more time, but there is something else that just happened that takes precedence over all.

You all know how I have my breakdowns (now more sporadic that before). Well Jeremiah knows they happen too, but hadn’t ever witnessed one. He had seen me upset, but never like this. Last night he was over at my house and we were just doing homework and chatting when I just lost it. I wasn’t planning on it, because we are still in that ‘trying to always show our best side’ stage although our true colors show more than we notice, but it happened nonetheless.

It was in this moment that if I had any farther to fall for him, I would have. Instead of acting as if he had never seen tears before or trying to cheer me up, he just caressed my head and wiped away my tears. I couldn’t stop even though I was willing myself to hold it together until he left, but it was as if my brain just knew I was right where I needed to be.

After I sobbed a little longer, he got up pulling me with him and opened my closet. He sat down and pulled me to him and just held me… against his chest, in the dark, in my spot. The fact that he wasn’t weirded out by me needing my closet for comfort just made my heart beat faster. We just sat in there for awhile until my tears stopped. He just spoke calmly to me while rubbing my back until I could breathe easy again. Then he encouraged me to leave the closet and try and work on homework.

He was completely natural and made me feel so safe! I feel so truly lucky to have him!!

❤ Lauren

I Tripped and Fell Flat on My Face

falling

We met back in October. He was new to the small group I had just started attending. I was sad and depressed. He was sad and lonely. We didn’t think much of it.

Over the next few months, we gradually became friends. Discussion partners, group movie dates, ice skating, Star Wars conversations, holiday parties… it wasn’t on purpose, it wasn’t strategic, it just happened.

I remember one cold, frosty, rough night in January, I texted him asking if he was still awake. He was (because he never sleeps). I asked him if he knew any jokes. He did (because he thinks he is too funny). I asked him if he would tell me one. He did (and it was hilarious!). This became our thing. Whenever one was having a bad day, the other would know, because they would simply ask for a joke.

It was small things like this. I didn’t even notice it happening. But after awhile he just was my best friend. Nothing was too awkward. Nothing was too embarrassing. Nothing was too nerdy. Nothing was too quirky. We just let it all out little by little without even realizing.

Have you ever tripped and fallen on your face and realized it was exactly where you wanted to be the whole time?

That is me. Right now. I tripped and started falling. When I tried to catch myself, I failed and it just so happened to be the best thing to ever happen.

We are kind of dating. But since we are outwardly best friends, no one thinks anything of it. They have asked, but we always just laugh and confirm we are best buds (which we are). The truth is that I like him. I like laughing with him. I like talking with him. I like spending time with him. But I am so hesitant– not to let someone in –but to just be. So we haven’t told anyone.

I am scared, because once you get a “label” everyone else becomes so interested in your business. They question your decisions. They want every detail. They judge. They give their opinions. That has ruined previously good things in my life. So right now I want to just enjoy everything with my best friend and leave it at that. I feel like all will work out in due time.

But for right now… I am happy!

❤ Lauren

When Life Gives You A Hello

goodbye hello - Edited

So I may have the university bus system to thank for something… not for getting me to class on time or actually being at the stop when the schedule says it should, but for putting me in the same place over and over again.

Ever since August, I have been riding the bus to class every day, because I don’t have a parking pass and live too far to walk. If I am on-time, I make the 10:20ish bus, but if I am running late (which I usually am) I make the 10:35ish bus. Well I have to admit that I am not the friendly, talkative rider, but more the antisocial, sleepy rider. I get on, find my desired seat, and stick my head in a book. I use the bus for me time before I get bogged down with classes. I don’t acknowledge anyone, but apparently that has not been a negative thing to my fellow riders.

This past Tuesday I had gotten off the bus and was already rounding the side of the Business Leadership Building on my merry way to class when I felt someone fall into step next to me. I didn’t look up or acknowledge, because I was figuring they just didn’t realize how close they were standing next to me, but to my surprise it was on purpose. I was then asked out for coffee. I literally almost fell over, but I kept my brisk pace, because I was running late. I shocked myself when I agreed and put my number in his phone. I gave him my name as I scurried off.

I made it to class and was still a little shocked and not sure if that had actually happened. But it had. I had the text message to prove it. I don’t drink coffee and I didn’t want to be out late, but we ended up getting together that night. It was simple and nice and kind of freaked me out. I have been on one real date and it was a disaster; he didn’t pay, he barely talked, and at one point he said we didn’t have to talk the whole time…. umm ya I got out of there as quickly as I could, but this was nothing like that. It was pleasant and not as awkward as I assumed it would be.

The crazy part is he apparently found me quirky or whatnot and wants to go out again tonight. Oh and I forgot to mention I recognized him from my bus. It seems it has taken him a few months to get the courage to ask me lol. It is a weird feeling having someone seek me out like that. But I am willing to give it a shot. Wish me luck!

❤ a girl