Gobble. Give Thanks. Gobble.

Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving Friends!!

Confession: Thanksgiving is probably my least favorite holiday. Gasp! Yes, I said it.

It’s not because I don’t like being thankful for the people, things, and happenings in my life, because I am (most of the time) very thankful. It’s more for these three reasons: I don’t like the food, my extended family makes me uncomfortable, and we don’t go about Thanksgiving in the right way.

Let’s all take a second to corporately gasp. Most people’s mouths water when people discuss turkey, stuffing, sweet potatoes, green bean casserole, and all that other stuff, but not me. I cringe at the sight, smell, and thought of Thanksgiving food. My mom always makes mac n cheese just so my brother and I will have something to eat. Oh and I think it is wrong for all of the food to touch on a person’s plate– just throwing that out there.

My extended family is an odd mix of people who for the most part don’t like each other and don’t get along. These facts make our get-togethers very uncomfortable. I absolutely love spending time with my Nana and her husband, but my cousins, aunts, and uncles are another story. They aren’t all bad and they aren’t all bad all the time, but for the majority of the time, I would rather stuff myself in a corner with a book.

When I say we don’t go about Thanksgiving the right way, I mean that in the cheesiest way possible. We rarely even talk about what we are thankful for, because we are all secretly hating on the others and nonchalantly trying not to kill each other. So it is more of a day of working on our patience and keeping our mouths shut.

I dream about when I finally meet someone and get to spend a holiday with a different family. I know this sounds awful, but I just want to get a feel for how others celebrate. When I get married, I want to change the way my family does Thanksgiving. I want to be that family that goes around the table and talks about what they are thankful for. I want to play football and catch in the yard. I want to laugh as we play board games after we are done eating. I want there to be different conversations and interactions. I want to change the way we do Thanksgiving.

These are just dreams right now, but I often look forward to actually looking forward to holidays, because I will be surrounded by genuine love!

❤ a girl

What do your families do for Thanksgiving?

Visiting Home Is Like Staring At A Pitchfork

no explanations

It had been about a month since I had been home, so going back this past weekend was a mix of feelings. Home is one of my favorite places to be, but I wasn’t enjoying all of the memories this time around. Yesterday, I was having a fantastic day spending time with my mom and then my phone lights up with a response to a group message and my whole day goes downhill from there.

Two words. That’s all it took to spin my mind into all different kinds of directions. Two stupid words from one specific person. I wish people’s actions and non-actions didn’t affect me so much, but honestly I can’t help it. Well late that night I was coming home from a birthday party that didn’t help my mindset at all and I ended up in my high school parking lot.

I just sat there in my car staring at this building that holds so many memories. It was like staring at a pitchfork. The left prong signifies what I used to dream my life would look like. The right prong signifies how I currently dream my life will look like. The middle prong signifies how my life is actually going. Sadly as I looked at this picture, my life doesn’t seem to be looking at all what I hoped or what I hope it would. Then I lost it.

There are days I just feel so lost. My college experience sucks. My friends are all excelling and changing. My family is constantly growing together and then falling apart. My mind is a warzone. Most days I don’t know who I am or where I am going. I just feel stuck and alone and pathetic. I desperately want some kind of direction and an identity.

As I sat there in that parking lot, I thought a lot about the girl who used to walk those halls. I thought about her smile, her laughter, her attitude, her friends, her dreams. I thought about how one of my friends told me that she missed the old me, the one who was her best friend. Then I lost it all over again. That girl wasn’t always all smiles and sass… she had many nights of tears and many walks alone in the park; she was just better at hiding it.

I don’t think I can be that girl again. So much has happened since I was 14, a wide-eyed freshman, and 18, a hopeful senior. I can’t just go back and forget all that has happened to me, all that I have felt, all that I have been told, all that has surfaced… it has scarred me and shaped me. I don’t think I can be that girl again, but what does that mean for me?

❤ a girl

Little Glimpses

crush

When you have an overactive imagination like I do, coming up with cute stories is second nature.

Before there was you, my dreams consisted of a faceless boy. That sounds really strange, but it is true. I would have these dreams of short snippets of scenes that I someday wanted to do with my future boyfriend or husband. I was never into the details of him, but more in the details of what we were doing.

Now there is you and my dreams finally have a face. It makes all the little glimpses so much more real and fun, because I have the hope they can be a possibility one day. I can’t wait to share with you all of these little snippets!

I know I am not supposed to dwell on the negative, but it really sucks that you are so far, because there are so many things that I want to do together. But instead of getting down about that, I am going to describe these moments and create a collection of all the fun we are going to have one day.

Our situation just reiterates how normal is boring!

❤ a girl

Too Close Too Quick?

cuddling 1I was talking on the phone earlier with Ketchup, one of my best friends who lives in a different state, and she was telling me all about this new guy she is “hanging out with.” I found out about him early last week and it didn’t bother me at all. Ketchup always has a new guy she is talking to, so this was no different. Except now she likes to inform me of how often they see each other and what they do.

Cuddling and making out seems to be the number one activities they engage in. But they aren’t dating. I don’t know if this is normal or if I am just weird, but this seems odd to me. I asked when he was going to make her his girlfriend and she tells me that she doesn’t know, but she is fine with just getting to know each other. Apparently they talk every day, but I can’t imagine how much ‘getting to know each other’ gets done when they’re tongues are down each other’s throats.

Maybe I am just old school or maybe it is my fear of intimacy, but cuddling and kissing scares the hell out of me. I just can’t fathom getting so close with someone and letting them in, when they may decide you aren’t worth it or they don’t like you. I also can’t imagine doing it, because I have never done it before; what if I am bad at it and that makes everything awkward. [This is where the what-ifs spur out of control]

Sure I think it would be nice to cuddle with someone or have someone spontaneously kiss me. I dream about that all the time, but actually having it happen in real life would be crazy incredible, because it takes a lot for me to let someone in, so I hope that there is a patient guy out there just for me.

You know how there are those people out there who see someone and just want to know what it would be like to have their arms around them or what it would feel like to kiss them. Well I am not one of those people. Maybe I am not that way, because I’ve never experienced that before. Most of the time when I start to like someone (because I am the girl with all the crushes) I picture us just doing life together. What it would be like to go grocery shopping together or to cook a meal together or just doing silly, weird things together.

I don’t know if I am like this, because something is wrong with me or because of how I was raised or because I have never experienced closeness before, but I will continue to hope and dream that there is potential in me to be open if the opportunity showed itself and that there is a guy out there who is patient and willing to understand me.

❤ a girl