Sometimes You Quit

Finding a Job

Ever since we are children, we are taught to never give up. We are taught to stick it out. We are taught to give it a chance. We are not taught to just ditch something when it gets hard, but what if that is the best thing for you?

When my internship ended, I needed another job, because I couldn’t support my fast food habits and keep my dog alive if I didn’t have any income. So not wanting another office job, I saw that a Raising Cane’s Chicken Fingers was opening up in my town. I had never worked in fast food before, but I figured it would be a fast paced environment and the shifts would go by quickly. So I applied and got the job.

Well working here was not at all what I imagined. It was worse, much worse. It was like working for Nazis. First, when I applied I made clear that I couldn’t work shifts longer than 6 hours and I could not work more than 20 hours a week, because I am a full-time student. Well for starters, all my shifts were 8 hours or more and in the first week I was scheduled for 44 hours. This was insane due to my already stressful school-load. Second, they are constantly telling you you aren’t doing a good enough job; you are never fast enough, nice enough, busy enough. You try and go faster and accidentally spill food, they yell at you. You try and be nicer and accidentally forget to repeat part of the order due to conversation with the customer, they yell at you. You take a breather after a long line, they yell at you. Third, you never get there or leave when you are actually scheduled. You need to be 5 to 15 minutes early for your shift and you must stay until your PM replacement comes… multiple times I was there 30 to 45 minutes after I was scheduled which was already 2 hours past what I said I could work. It was emotionally, mentally, and physically draining and I even left in tears one night. Fourth, they do not allow you to take breaks. It is illegal not to give a lunch break with a shift 8 hours or more, yet when I asked for a break, because I was overwhelmed, I was told I could take 5 minutes.

I was just getting really sick of the working conditions and coming home crying or just exhausted for something that shouldn’t be that stressful. I brought up to my GM that I couldn’t keep working that many hours and he said he would work with me, which he did for one week, but then the next I was scheduled over 20 hours again with 8 hour plus shifts, so I was just over it. I have higher priorities than getting bullied trying to make it at a fast food restaurant. So I put in my two weeks last week, but never got an acknowledgement from management, so I decided I was just not going to go back. But don’t get me wrong, I still love their food.

Truthfully, I can be kind of a quitter, but I felt it was understandable in this situation. I just don’t believe in keeping yourself in negative situations just because you got yourself in the mess. If you can find an out in order to find something more suitable to you, then do it.

❤ Lauren

To Have and To Hold

Find A Heart

Remember that guy I told y’all about at the beginning of this month? Remember how happy I was? Well… I am back to report that he is still by my side and I am still happy!

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That guy’s name is Jeremiah and I wanted to do a post where I just expressed all he does for me and why I care about him so much… and that will come when I have more time, but there is something else that just happened that takes precedence over all.

You all know how I have my breakdowns (now more sporadic that before). Well Jeremiah knows they happen too, but hadn’t ever witnessed one. He had seen me upset, but never like this. Last night he was over at my house and we were just doing homework and chatting when I just lost it. I wasn’t planning on it, because we are still in that ‘trying to always show our best side’ stage although our true colors show more than we notice, but it happened nonetheless.

It was in this moment that if I had any farther to fall for him, I would have. Instead of acting as if he had never seen tears before or trying to cheer me up, he just caressed my head and wiped away my tears. I couldn’t stop even though I was willing myself to hold it together until he left, but it was as if my brain just knew I was right where I needed to be.

After I sobbed a little longer, he got up pulling me with him and opened my closet. He sat down and pulled me to him and just held me… against his chest, in the dark, in my spot. The fact that he wasn’t weirded out by me needing my closet for comfort just made my heart beat faster. We just sat in there for awhile until my tears stopped. He just spoke calmly to me while rubbing my back until I could breathe easy again. Then he encouraged me to leave the closet and try and work on homework.

He was completely natural and made me feel so safe! I feel so truly lucky to have him!!

❤ Lauren

Dear You,

Dear You,

Today I felt like a real college kid.

No, not because of the overwhelming feeling of never knowing what I am doing with my life, but because I stayed up till 3 in the morning studying and doing homework with the unpleasant reality of having to wake up at 7 to catch the bus and make it to class.

The past two days have gone something like this: go to class and work, come home and procrastinate, cook pizza rolls and watch an episode of Law and Order: SVU (because why not?), procrastinate a little more, and finally work on my Archaeology which consisted of finishing a lab and memorizing the basic bones of the body.

When I picture where you are and what you are doing, I envision your current situation to be similar to this. No sleep. Waking up at ungodly hours. Working hard (way harder than me of course 😉 ). I have somehow survived my one day of this life and I know you will survive all of yours too. Sending all my energy your way!

❤ a girl

Mid-Week Exhaustion

So I had hoped that I would be able to start writing regularly once school started, because I would have a set schedule and all, but that has yet to happen! 😦

My schedule has gone from having nothing to do to having everything and more to do. My work schedule alone is absolutely ridiculous. What started out as a 31 hour week (which is crazy for the first week of classes) to way more than that, because so far every shift I have clocked in early and had to stay late! :O

Needless to say I am just extremely exhausted. But it is always a relief to know that my guy is always there to talk to me at the end of the day. No matter how tired he is, he stays up late to talk about our days and other stuff which always leaves me smiling when I go to sleep! How did I get so lucky? 🙂

Once my work schedule calms down and I get caught up on school, I will be back to posting on a regular basis. Thanks for sticking around! Y’all rock!

❤ a girl

Silent Too Long

trusting god 1“Question everything. Your love, your religion, your passion. If you don’t have questions, you’ll never find answers.”

Growing up in church, they teach you to trust God. They teach you that God has a plan for your life. They teach you that God does things on his own time. They teach you that God doesn’t always answer prayers how you want him to. They teach you that God sometimes says no or not yet. They teach you that God is not a genie. They teach you that being a Christian is hard.

I never seriously questioned my faith until this semester. It was sort of an all of a sudden explosion kind of thing. My doubt had been building for awhile, but I just kept bottling it up telling myself that I was a Christian and I believed in God and I couldn’t have those kind of thoughts. I told myself that those thoughts would go away if I surrounded myself with Christian people and found a church to attend. That didn’t work. It just got worse.

Thursday, February 12th, I had a breakdown. I have these every once in awhile, but this one was pretty bad. I had been at work for eight hours, because the girl who was supposed to relieve me never showed up. I was already exhausted, then add frustration on top of that, plus a mound of homework growing by what felt like the hour. After work, I called my mom, because I needed some encouragement. When she answered and told her about how exhausted I was with my job and my school work plus that I wasn’t enjoying my classes and didn’t think I wanted to stick with my major, she just told me that I would be ok, because I always was and then informed she was out to eat with my dad and brother, so she would call me back.

By this point I was already in tears, so I sat down and tried to catch my breath. Once I had composed myself, I went into the building and got out all of my homework and spread it out all over the table. I was determined to finish and it was a good way to take my mind off things. After a good half hour, my small group from the BSM (where I had purposely been avoiding) saw me sitting at the table and decided to join me, so I could be included in the discussion. Ugh! I was not in the mood to be around these happy-go-lucky people; I was in a bad mood and wanted to wallow in it. They kept asking me if I was ok and saying that I wasn’t my usual self. Well duh I am not my normal self. Let it go! Eventually they leave and I manage to get most of my homework done while taking breaks to go to the bathroom and compose myself.

My mom ends up texting me instead of calling me back. She asks how I am doing and I tell her I’m fine and not to worry about me. She says she loves me and feeds me some crap about how I need to focus on God and pray about how I am feeling and that he has a plan. Nothing I haven’t heard before. I just respond with one word or one sentence until she leaves me alone. I gather all of my stuff and get back to my room as quick as possible, because these cop-out answers from her have really irritated me.

Once I get in my room, I decide I need to retreat, be alone, and be sad. I grab my pound bag of sour gummy worms, a Dr Pepper, and a box of tissues and shove them in my bag. When I am upset and just want to stay upset, I find comfort in my car, so I get in and drive to a vacant parking lot. I have on my depressing playlist and sit in my car and think. And cry. I think and cry for a long time. I talk to myself a little and then I eventually end up yelling at God, but at this point I am done.

I understand that they say He is silent, so that you will lean on Him, but He has been silent in my life for too long. I don’t ask for stupid things, but sometimes I need answers and it does more harm than good not to answer me. But who I am kidding, He has never answered me. Back in high school I could claim whatever I wanted, but when it came down to it, I never felt Him. After I have this meltdown, still nothing. Apparently I am not that important to Him, because nothing happened. Once I came to this realization. I felt different. I was ready to change my outlook. If God didn’t want to help me or answer me, then fine.

 My frustration began to stem from me being me– the next to near perfect girl.  I understand that yes I have messed up and no I am not really perfect, but honestly I just don’t see the point of striving for perfection when you don’t get anything in return. The most irritating thing for me was that some of my friends and people I know have all this going for them: a relationship, a job, an education while they do pretty much whatever they want. I just got so fed up with doing the right thing and never being happy or having things work out for me.

I have decided to take a step back from my faith for a little while and just figure out who I want to be and what I want to believe. I’m tired of having all of these expectations placed on me attached to all these assumptions. I am just a girl who wants to live and mess up and do some more living.

❤ a girl