3 Words & 8 Letters

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Three words. Eight letters. I Love You.

I find the phrase “I Love You” so fascinating! Have you ever actually thought about what this phrase means? Or better yet, what it means to you? Have you ever wondered about the expectations it carries around? Do you toy with the idea of saying it to someone? Do you think about saying it at all?

Before this year, I said “I Love You” to family members and various close friends, but now that I started thinking about it, I realized there were stipulations on those who heard these words from me. I said “I Love You” to my parents as a no-brainer, but I don’t regularly tell my brother that I love him even though I do. Why? I don’t know, but it could be that we do not have a mushy-gushy type of relationship. When it comes to my friends, select few get a “Love You” as I give them a hug goodbye when I know I won’t see them for awhile. I realized that since I cycle through friends so frequently, I don’t say “I Love You” very regularly to those friends I consider close; they have to earn it. Yet I tell my puppy I love her multiple times a day.

It seems as if some love is earned while some is automatic.

But saying “I Love You” comes with a tremendous amount of expectations when used in the romantic world. It is this idea that saying it is a big deal and it has to be the right moment with the right person. Some people think through all this while others just do or don’t, but never consciously think about it. Last year, I talked with Mitten (a boy-interest) every day all the time for about four months. I felt so connected to him, because he listened and talked to me. Yet I never said that I loved him. I dated Carrot for about three weeks or so back in January. I thought we really connected for about a week or two. Yet I never said that I loved him. I never thought about whether I loved them. I never thought about saying that I loved them to draw us closer or fix our relationship. I never thought about whether I should or was supposed to love them. It never crossed my mind. Was it because I knew they weren’t the ones for me? Was it because I didn’t really feel for them? Well I can tell you that I didn’t love either one of those boys and I think it was a good decision that I never made the mistake of using the phrase “I Love You” for any purpose or reason other than to express a feeling.

The first time I ever said “I Love You” to someone who was more than a friend or family was to Penguin. He is my best friend, has been since about December, and we started dating around March. He makes me smile and laugh and drives me absolutely crazy, but I have loved him since the beginning. I loved him because he did more than just try and get my attention; he really listened and understood me! He never made me feel inadequate or insecure. He challenged me and encouraged me. I could go on and on about why I love Penguin, but the thing is that I did not tell him I loved him right off the bat. Did I hold it in because I didn’t want to scare him off? Did I hold it in because I wanted to make sure he felt the same way? Truth is- I never thought about it, shockingly, I never over-analyzed it. One day, I just told him. Ya, I said “it” first and I wasn’t ashamed and it wasn’t weird.

The thing about Penguin and I is that although we have said that we love each other and we both know that love is in the air, we do not say we love each other every time we see each other. We don’t say it every time we say goodbye to each other. We don’t say it every time we call each other. I think what makes that phrase special to us, is that we don’t overuse it. “I Love You” is not a greeting or goodbye for us, it is a sincere feeling that we only say when we are truly feeling it. Yes, we say it when we are being serious and silly, but we never say it just because we know we should or are supposed to.

I think that is important. I don’t think there is anything wrong with people who think about when to say it and who to say it to, but I think you won’t have to when the time and the person is right!

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You Should Always Feel Like A Somebody

Everybody is a Somebody

Have you ever been with another person or a group of people and felt invisible or inferior? This happens to me a lot, but at the same time I know I am guilty of making others feel this way. It is a bully complex- making those around you feel like nothing in order to make yourself feel like something.

It makes me sad to think that I behave this way, because I am insecure with who I am. Lately, I have been learning about real, genuine friendship. I have been having to accept that people cannot be everything you need or want, but they also cannot fill the places where you feel empty. If I don’t want people expecting me to be perfect and put together then I can’t expect that from them.

One thing I have realized is that I have the power to be an amazing friend. Through experiencing so much true friendship in the past few weeks, I feel so loved and accepted for the reasons that make me, me! I have decided that I want to make everyone feel like that, because everyone deserves to feel like that!

I feel that I possess so many qualities that I can funnel into being a person who makes everyone feel important, because they should know that they matter. Whether that is just giving someone the time of day, smiling at a stranger, or giving a friend some tough love. I don’t want to sugar-coat my relationships anymore; life is just too dang short.

So it doesn’t matter if you have hurt me in the past or we have gone our separate ways or we are growing apart… whatever the situation, I don’t care. I am over holding all of these negative feelings against each other. I’m not perfect. They aren’t perfect. I want to spend time getting to know people and really, genuinely caring about them. I want them to know I am there for them no matter what (and mean it!).

Here’s to cultivating good, deep, genuine friendships!

❤ Lauren

I Have No Default Feeling

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Sassy. Sweet. Sarcastic. Sad. Spazzy. Shocked. Energetic. Awkward. Quiet. Loud. Joyful. Talkative. Angry. Unsure. Irritated. Prissy. Happy. Depressed.

I do not believe that people have set characteristics or a default setting. I don’t think there are happy people and sad people. I think that we get to choose how we feel. I think we get to choose how we let the situations life throws our way affects and changes us.

Everyone has different sides that show at different times. There are some people who know me as the loudest, spazziest, most outspoken person they have ever encountered, yet there are some people who have never heard me say a word and witness me trip over my own feet.

I have certain friends who get the privilege of hearing my rants, others who only hear about the good moments, and those really special ones who get to enjoy both. Some people have never heard me raise my voice where others have endured my angry wrath. Sometimes I let loose, but most of the time I clam up.

Just call me queen of the eye-roll, master of car concerts, never-miss-a-beat opinion giver, and administer of the silent treatment. I am not one thing, but multiple things and I believe that everyone is this way.

So be sure to think twice before jumping to conclusions when someone is acting different… We cannot expect someone to be the same at all times in all situations. I change. You change. They change. This makes us people.

❤ a girl

Expectations

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My heart hurts.

It hurts, because I feel like I can’t be honest with my family and friends. I can’t tell them about how I feel. I can’t tell them all that is running through my head all the time. I can’t tell them about my disappointments, about my fear, about my problems.

My heart hurts.

It hurts, because I have to keep everything bottled up inside me. I bottle it up, because the people in my life won’t understand. They won’t understand my change of heart, my change of mind, or my change of perspective.

My heart hurts.

It hurts, because I am filled with so much fear. I fear that if I am honest with the people in my life they will leave me, push me aside, declare me unworthy of their time. I have no proof they will react like this, but I know them. I have experienced their reactions to things similar to this and I don’t want to experience it myself. Sometimes fear is good. Healthy. Sometimes keeping it bottled up is easier. Better.

My heart hurts.

It hurts, because I all I want to do is explode. I want to confess everything! I want to tell them how I am questioning my faith. I want to tell them that I am confused. I want to tell them that I want to experience life. I want to tell them that I don’t want to be perfect anymore.

My heart hurts.

It hurts, because the people in my life have expectations of me that they are not willing to lower or change. I instilled these expectations in them. I was that girl that they expect me to be, but people change. I have changed. They won’t understand. So I bottle it up and wait until the day I explode.

My heart hurts.

❤ a girl