Bombarded

It’s never fails that right after I post that my life is all peaches and cream, something bad happens…

Background: This past weekend, after a very long Saturday, my best friend asked if I wanted to go out – low key, one drink max. I agreed, but even after I got home my day just kept getting worse, so I texted her back that I “kinda want to get drunk.” Note: It only takes about two drinks in an hour to get me drunk. I left Winnie out in the living room under the impression we were only going to be gone for about an hour, plus I was tired and wasn’t up to being out all night. Well she thought me kinda wanting to get drunk meant I was ready to go out on the town. We parked and as we were walking to the bar, she asks if it would be okay if we met up with some of her friends. As much as I didn’t really want to, it was a little too late to say no and to make matters worse I had left my phone in her car. I agreed to spend some time with her friends, but after about half an hour I realized that she was not planning to take me home any time soon. She got really drunk and so did her friends, so I had to get her to open her phone, so I get in touch with Jeremiah to come pick me up. When I opened her texts and pulled up his name, I saw some texts about them meeting up to discuss him proposing to me. I should have read them, but I am human and I apologized for seeing them, but I did not maliciously go looking for the information. Around midnight (three hours later), Jeremiah came to pick me up and I was really upset and exhausted.

The next day I texted her asking how she was and all seemed fine. We met up on Monday to have lunch and had a great time and then yesterday she texted asking if we were grabbing lunch. I told her I was taking Payton for a birthday lunch, but I could meet her after. Well, she joined us about an hour into the lunch which was fine and I actually thought it went great! We shared a few snips at each other, but I thought it was normal friend stuff. I texted her once we all went our separate ways asking if everything was okay and apologizing again for not communicating well about my expectations of Saturday night.

Present Day: She responded to my text with a novel about how upset she was with me. I expressed my thoughts and feelings regarding what she had said as best I could, but she just kept unloading on me. A lot of it was untrue or blown out of proportion. I was trying to stay calm, but for me this was deja vu. I didn’t want to impulsively text back something that would hurt her, so I was reading through it slowly and writing out my response to make sure I would be understood, but I never got the chance. She just kept sending text after text and by the end I was crying. Before I got a chance to apologize or say anything else, she said she wanted space and didn’t want to talk to me.

I was distraught about the whole thing. I had no idea she was so mad at me and she didn’t clarify what the root was, but I was glad she had finally told me so that I could work on it and do better. What hurt the most was that she never gave me a chance to respond. I don’t think any good can come from her unloading on me, but not giving me a chance to acknowledge any of it. When I got through my work shift and my night class, I got home and sat in my closet. I haven’t spent any time in my closet in months, but this was warranted. I had no idea what I had done wrong and she just kept going over and over what she had said and trying to figure out what was going on. Jeremiah came by later to talk with me and get me to calm down. I decided that I would go to her house to show her that I cared and really wanted to fight for our friendship. Well that was a huge mistake. She refused to talk to me and then was very rude regarding my choice of trying to resolve what was going on.

Then today during my first class she decided to unload on me some more. Text after text after text. I got a few words in to explain my actions, but she just twisted them into something negative. I wanted to start crying again, but then I realized I was more angry than anything. Yesterday I was hurt, but I understood that she needed to get all of these feelings out, but today she was just attacking me and bringing stuff up that had nothing to do with me. I am also angry that she is just unloading all of this on me, but not letting me say anything to apologize, acknowledge, or defend myself. I do not appreciate being portrayed as some dramatic monster bitch.  In the past few months I have literally had no drama. I can count all of my friends on one hand and everything was going great until lunch yesterday. She created this drama, but wants to blame me for it and I won’t take it anymore. I have vowed not to spiral into a depressive episode about this, so she can have her space, but I won’t be dragged down by any of this.

Conclusion: I have decided that she can have her space. Please take from this that you cannot just unload all of your feelings on a person and not let them say anything; that will not resolve anything. You have to let that person try to fix the things you brought up. So yesterday when I said everything was swell with me, because I had my boyfriend and best gal friend… ignore that. All is wonderful with me and Jeremiah, but apparently not with the best gal friend. The cool thing about all of this is how quickly I have bounced back. Maybe there is hope for me yet.

In a Year’s Time…

This time last year I was getting out of an awful, unhealthy relationship. My first relationship. It was a hard, eye-opening experience that left me confused and depressed, but it also showed me who I really was and what I really wanted. Through this process, I grew closer to my best gal friend and my best friend turned into the love of my life.

You know how people tell you that difficult or confusing times will turn into stories later on that you can laugh about? Well, I never truly understood that statement until I went through this whole mess. The story of how my best gal friend, my boyfriend, and I became the dynamic three amigos we are now is a fun one, but it was full of confusing and downright messed up twists and turns. As painful as last January and early February was – being broken-up with, spiraling into a depressive episode, and feeling worthless – I wouldn’t trade all the confusion and hurt. For the most part, I pretend like last January never happened. I have struck the happenings of the whole month from my memory, but when I think really hard about it, I am grateful to have had my heart go through such agony, because it showed me the good that was right in front of my face. I knew Jeremiah before choosing to date Q. I tell myself that if I had just said no to Q, I could have been with Jeremiah sooner and would have saved myself all the heartache, but truth be told, I think I would have taken Jeremiah’s goodness for granted had I not experienced being used by Q.

As I was reading through some of my posts from last year, I am appalled at how I let Q get off so easy. He literally used me for company by pretending to be interested in me and then when the guilt finally caught up to him, he couldn’t just admit it, but instead decided to break-up with me and reel me back in three times. It was traumatizing to say the least and really messed with my self-esteem. But as I reflected back, I literally kept saying that I wasn’t angry with him and I didn’t hate him, which I am sure I thought was the correct way to go about it, but I think it would have been okay to claim that I was angry and I did despise him. I said at one point that I would just have to accept that I would always care about him – wrong!I no longer think about him and I definitely do not care about him. And not only is that okay, it is good! It proves that he no longer has a hold over me.

The quote in the image at the top of the page reminded me of this time in my life. This time of trying to regain my confidence after having my heart and mind dragged through the mud. Before Q, I was strong and confident, but afterward I felt betrayed and I felt ashamed that I fell for his tricks. It took time and a lot of patience for me to break out of this shell and to not be fearful of opening up and taking risks. To that I owe a huge thank you to Jeremiah. He was my rock through finding myself, if you will, again. He helped me in ways he will never ever understand, but it was the first time I had felt blind love from someone. Jeremiah didn’t swoop in and try and be my boyfriend, instead he took time to just be there as whatever I needed. He quickly became my best friend and now I love him with every fiber in my being.

In the end, I have come to appreciate slow and messy beginnings. Sometimes the things you think will ruin your life or change who you are, can bring out better things you never imagined!

Double Dipping

couple

“I want to marry my best friend!”

Let’s back up. If you haven’t been reading my blog for long or don’t know me in person, then you may not know one crucial thing about me – I do not date for sport. That may sound a bit harsh and, no, I am not shaming my fellow females, but I was taught that dating is the prerequisite for marriage, so you should only date someone you could see yourself marrying. I know there are many arguments to this thought process and I would be glad to discuss it (and in another post, give my thoughts), but this is how I have chosen to live.

I could not even begin to count how many times I have said that I want to marry my best friend or heard someone else say their spouse is their best friend. For a long time, I never fully grasped what this meant, because I was terribly, terribly awkward around guys. I blame most of my behavior on what I was taught while growing up in church and taking these teachings to heart, but the point is that I didn’t really understand how to be friends with a boy. It wasn’t until my sophomore year of college that I actually had a close male friend or a male friend that I didn’t have a crush on.

When I met Penguin back in October, I was intrigued by him because he wasn’t afraid to challenge my way of thinking. We were at a Bible Study and put into the same discussion group. I was fairly new to the study and it was his first time. We were given a verse to talk about and me, being in the throes of my depression, spat out this sad definition of what I thought this verse meant. At first, the members of the group let my words hang in the air not daring to mess with me, but then Penguin interrupted the silence and gave the most encouraging definition of what he thought the verse meant. I looked up and met his eyes – they seemed to be saying “I know where you are and you don’t have to be stuck there.”

Contrary to most stories, I wasn’t head over heels over him or chomping at the bit to spend time with him, I was just fascinated with the person that was willing to defy my way of thinking. Over time we were thrown together in different situations and I began to realize that I liked spending time with him and hearing what he had to say, although most of the time it took him awhile to spit his words out. It wasn’t until after New Years that we had even spent time together alone although we had really gotten to know each other through text and phone calls. I can’t even pinpoint when Penguin became my best friend, it happened so naturally, but gradually he became the person I told everything to, confided in, and counted on.


Penguin and I started dating at the beginning of March. We were spending practically every day together either eating, studying, talking, laughing… you name it. I believe I was in love with him before we started dating (gasp!) due to how he treated me, how I felt when I was around him, and his character as a person. Ever since then we do just about everything together and it is weird to go a day without seeing or talking to him. Some may say this is unhealthy, but I disagree. It is not as if I cannot go about my day without him or his influence nor do I not have any other friends that I spend time with, it is just that he is my person – boyfriend, best friend, both, or neither.

It has just come to my attention that some may find this odd or be irritated by it. I have a couple friends who treat me differently once they found out how close Penguin and I are. They seem less interested in spending time with me or talking to me or reaching out to me. This hurts a bit, especially because they have not actually addressed it, but the unspoken feeling is still there.

My question is this: Do you feel it is wrong for a boyfriend to double as a best friend? Why does it make people uncomfortable?

Not All Things Are Forever

Friends

Life is full of seasons. Childhood. Adolescence. Adulthood. Beyond. To go even further, you can split these four seasons into smaller seasons, specifically Adolescence and Adulthood. Within Adolescence, we have elementary school, jr. high, and high school. Within Adulthood, we start with college and keep on trucking through getting real jobs, getting married, and having children. Through all of these seasons everything in your life tends to change, sometimes you can stop it, but sometimes there is nothing you can do.

Besides us as people, I think our friends are what change the most. Whether it be a dramatic change, a drastic change, or a dreaded change; the bottom line is that not all friends are meant to last from day one to the end.

As we go through life, we face different trials. These trials shape us into different people than we once were and sometimes people who are really close to us do not understand. We can try and explain it. We can try and apologize. We can try and revert to our old selves. But sometimes everything we try and do just doesn’t work.

When it becomes more stressful and exhausting and draining to continue being friends, you have to come to terms that maybe it is just time to go your separate ways. It is never easy to see a friendship go, especially for me, who feels all friendships should be forever, but that is implausible. I have struggled with losing friends and letting friends go for as long as I can remember. I beat myself up over the fact that I cannot make them all happy or, better yet, understand me.

But lately I have been uncharacteristically calm about my friendships changing. I have slowly been growing apart from my close friends from high school and was so scared of losing them, but now I have met new people who I am slowly realizing I am more comfortable spending time and sharing my thoughts with. I am learning to cherish the time I have to get to know them and relate to them while we are all in this time of growing.

It has taken me a long time to come to this point in my life where I am okay with my changing friendships. It can even come as a relief to realize that you aren’t chained for all your days to friends who are not growing in the same way or direction that you are.

Let that sink in. Once I came to terms with the fact that it is okay for not all friends to be best friends and not all friendships to be forever, I could start appreciating the friends I currently have and start building lasting relationships with them.

❤ Lauren

I Tripped and Fell Flat on My Face

falling

We met back in October. He was new to the small group I had just started attending. I was sad and depressed. He was sad and lonely. We didn’t think much of it.

Over the next few months, we gradually became friends. Discussion partners, group movie dates, ice skating, Star Wars conversations, holiday parties… it wasn’t on purpose, it wasn’t strategic, it just happened.

I remember one cold, frosty, rough night in January, I texted him asking if he was still awake. He was (because he never sleeps). I asked him if he knew any jokes. He did (because he thinks he is too funny). I asked him if he would tell me one. He did (and it was hilarious!). This became our thing. Whenever one was having a bad day, the other would know, because they would simply ask for a joke.

It was small things like this. I didn’t even notice it happening. But after awhile he just was my best friend. Nothing was too awkward. Nothing was too embarrassing. Nothing was too nerdy. Nothing was too quirky. We just let it all out little by little without even realizing.

Have you ever tripped and fallen on your face and realized it was exactly where you wanted to be the whole time?

That is me. Right now. I tripped and started falling. When I tried to catch myself, I failed and it just so happened to be the best thing to ever happen.

We are kind of dating. But since we are outwardly best friends, no one thinks anything of it. They have asked, but we always just laugh and confirm we are best buds (which we are). The truth is that I like him. I like laughing with him. I like talking with him. I like spending time with him. But I am so hesitant– not to let someone in –but to just be. So we haven’t told anyone.

I am scared, because once you get a “label” everyone else becomes so interested in your business. They question your decisions. They want every detail. They judge. They give their opinions. That has ruined previously good things in my life. So right now I want to just enjoy everything with my best friend and leave it at that. I feel like all will work out in due time.

But for right now… I am happy!

❤ Lauren