College Frustration is Real

real-college-frustration

I have been in college for three years now and you would think that by now, my senior year, I would have figured out how to make the first few weeks run smoothly. Wrong!

The first few weeks of college are three of the most stressful weeks of the year between buying books, meeting professors, getting adjusted to school life again, and -oh ya- reminding yourself every day that college makes you broke. Textbooks are more expensive than necessary (like why does this book that doesn’t even have a cover cost over $100?), access codes are creations from the devil himself (like why is all your homework on a dysfunctional online platform?), and professors who have doctorates can’t figure out the technology they are required to use (like why are you allowed to teach?).

College is already hard due to the workload, money, and stress, so why does the industry and university feel the need to make everything over expensive and over complicated. The answer… because they can. And that reality really sucks.

I skipped my first class of the semester today, because the course is not major-related and I am only enrolled, because the university wants more of my money by requiring I take a natural science (aka the hardest ones out there) in order to be a well rounded technical communicator, my professor is not very good at teaching students who know nothing about the solar system, and setting up the online homework portion has been a living nightmare!

So far this semester, I am still waiting on a book that I ordered three weeks ago and -shocker- I need it for an assignment this weekend, I was sold the wrong access code for my solar system class and when I got the right one it is near impossible to log in, and my lab instructor for one of my most important classes is a fellow student who is apparently perfect at everything except teaching us how to use design programs… so here I am at the second week of my last year of college ready to pull out all of my hair.

They -as in The Man- should just do us poor, stressed students a favor and make this whole process a whole lot easier!

Calm White Watching The Storm

Have you ever found yourself caught in someone else’s storm?

Everything is going wrong for them and you are just… there. I feel that way now. As frustrated as this someone else is, I find myself frustrated as well, but in a whole different way, which can in turn cause them even more frustration.

It is also one of those situations where your life may not be at its absolute best, but it still doesn’t compare to what they are dealing with.

Right now, I am living on couches (my boyfriend’s and my future roommates’) and I have no car, because Milo overheated a few days ago. But that is the extent of my so-called storm… it is more of an annoying drizzle. But Jeremiah is dealing with a storm that includes strong wind and golf ball sized hail. He moved into a new apartment and everything has been going wrong. It started with the leasing company putting the wrong price on the lease, then giving him the wrong keys, then he wasn’t able to move in on time, then his bathroom faucet was leaking, then two stove burners didn’t work, then there were cockroaches, then the maintenance guy busted the water pipe, then his bathroom and upstairs hallway flooded, then the maintenance guy rigged the hot water pipe and now his bathroom has no working sink and is as hot as a sauna, then the flood put a whole in his kitchen ceiling, then the shower started leaking, then he was given no key to his mailbox, then his espresso machine didn’t work……. just one thing after another and although he is doing everything he can, nothing is being fixed.

As you can see, he has every reason to be frustrated; furious even plus normal stress with school and money and work. Now my frustration comes in, because I see him struggling and angry, but I can’t do anything to help. I feel stuck and all I want to do is make him feel better, but I feel helpless.

At the same time, I am trying to comfort him, because as someone watching the situation instead of it happening to them, I can see positives and I can easily say that it isn’t the end of the world and that it could be worse, but that isn’t helpful for him at all. I really hope we can find a happy medium, so that I can stop adding to his frustration.

Unplanned Changes

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I had wanted to wish you all a Happy Independence Day (for those of you Americans), but my Fourth was jam-packed, so I didn’t get the chance.

I am a planner. I like to know what I am doing and when I am doing it. I use multiple calendars and an actual planner in order to keep myself on a set schedule and to keep me productive. Well, I expected nothing less of my Fourth of July.

  • 8:00 – wake up
  • 9:00 – be at my parents house
  • 10:00 – arrive at Hurricane Harbor
  • 5:00 – leave Hurricane Harbor & shower
  • 7:00 – arrive at my friend’s cookout for food and fireworks
  • 10:00 – sleep

Let’s just say it did not quite go like this.

I really enjoy being a planner and I take pride in the fact that I can stick to a schedule and fit everything and everyone in. Well, when I woke up on Monday, it was storming and my mom had texted to me to come around 10/10:30 instead, so I fell back asleep. When I woke, I decided not to shower since it was raining and we were going to a water park. I got up, got the pup, and got the boyfriend and we were off to my parents. We hadn’t eaten yet, so I asked my mom if she would cook a quick something, she said sure, but she needed milk and eggs, so we stopped at a nearby Walmart. When we started cooking, my dad decided to make pancakes and my mom egg quesadillas… all was going to the “new” plan since we were waiting out the rain.

Once the rain had stopped, we were ready to go except my brother had not shown up yet. We texted and called and he finally showed a bit late. Once were on our way to the water park, we paid for parking and my dad had to park about a mile away, so it took us forever to reach the front, but alas we arrived around 12:00. My cousin and other brother were supposed to meet us there, so after every ride we rode, we had to go back to the table and check and see their status. They arrived around 2:00.

All was going just fine until around 5:00. I was exhausted and sunburnt and hot and miserable. They kept going down body slides that I do not enjoy with long lines and I was about done. I was already supposed to be on my way home and my mom didn’t seem to care. She just wanted to go on one more ride then another. I was trying to be a good sport except we didn’t end up leaving until 7:20. Way later than I had planned.

When we reached the car and I checked my phone, my friend had called me and texted me multiple times, because I was supposed to be there. I tried texting her that things were running a bit behind, but that I would be there soon. We arrived at home, showered, and were getting ready to leave when I realized it had already been another hour. Driving to my friend’s place would be another hour and we would have missed food and would seem like we only showed for fireworks. My friend wasn’t returning my texts about being late, so I had to make a decision to skip her cookout and just go to dinner with my family.

We were eating on the patio at Boomerjacks (one of the only places open) and everything was going great. Laughing, talking, a good family outing until the arguing started. I was already irritated that I had to miss my friend’s cookout and fireworks and then my brothers had to make a scene. I didn’t get home until around 10:30 and I was totally exhausted from the day’s events.

I wanted to just be mad and stew that I didn’t get to shoot off any fireworks or even see any fireworks, but God has given me an amazing boyfriend who knows when he needs to calm me down and distract me from my own mind. He gets to my house after I dropped him off at his car and he tells me to come outside. He is sitting on the curb staring at the sky. Winnie and I come out, she runs around and I take a seat beside him and also look up to the sky. There is a lightning storm with no thunder. It is absolutely beautiful and bright and shocking and fun. It was like God’s version of fireworks. He held my hand as we gazed up at the sky and in that moment I wasn’t irritated and angry that my plans did not work out the way I intended. In that moment I was exactly where I needed to be. 

That whole day made me realize that making plans isn’t a bad thing, but it is not the end of the world when they don’t work out, because unplanned changes can result in the best memories!

The heart of a man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.
-Proverbs 16:9

Being a Dog Mom

4 Months [1]

As some of you know, about two months ago, I became a dog mom. I was feeling a bit lonely and I really wanted something to take care of and share the world with, so I researched and found the most adorable puppy!

Now being a dog mom is super fun and has some perks, but it is one of the most challenging things I have ever done. Winnie is super cute and totally worth it, but the frustration is real!

4 Months [2]

Ever tried to potty train? Teach commands? Stop biting and jumping? If you have then you know the struggle, if you have not, I cannot begin to explain how difficult and trying it is. You think you are on the right track and your dog has got it and then the next minute or a few days later you realize it isn’t working or hasn’t stuck.

I have had a few breakdowns involving Winnie and her stubborn and ornery ways, but I have had many breakthroughs as well! But last night was a stressful one and Jeremiah encouraged me to look up past episodes of the Dog Whisperer. Of course I think I can do it all by myself with what I know, so he takes it upon himself to pull one up. I sit there as stubborn as my dog and refuse to accept that maybe I could change my ways a bit.

We started implementing some of what Cesar talks about and sure enough Winnie has been responding to some of the tricks. Hopefully, she will start retaining more of what she is taught, because I know she really wants to obey!

On another note, I am super excited it is starting to get warm outside, so we can spend more time on walks and just playing out in the sun!

❤ Lauren

Silent Too Long

trusting god 1“Question everything. Your love, your religion, your passion. If you don’t have questions, you’ll never find answers.”

Growing up in church, they teach you to trust God. They teach you that God has a plan for your life. They teach you that God does things on his own time. They teach you that God doesn’t always answer prayers how you want him to. They teach you that God sometimes says no or not yet. They teach you that God is not a genie. They teach you that being a Christian is hard.

I never seriously questioned my faith until this semester. It was sort of an all of a sudden explosion kind of thing. My doubt had been building for awhile, but I just kept bottling it up telling myself that I was a Christian and I believed in God and I couldn’t have those kind of thoughts. I told myself that those thoughts would go away if I surrounded myself with Christian people and found a church to attend. That didn’t work. It just got worse.

Thursday, February 12th, I had a breakdown. I have these every once in awhile, but this one was pretty bad. I had been at work for eight hours, because the girl who was supposed to relieve me never showed up. I was already exhausted, then add frustration on top of that, plus a mound of homework growing by what felt like the hour. After work, I called my mom, because I needed some encouragement. When she answered and told her about how exhausted I was with my job and my school work plus that I wasn’t enjoying my classes and didn’t think I wanted to stick with my major, she just told me that I would be ok, because I always was and then informed she was out to eat with my dad and brother, so she would call me back.

By this point I was already in tears, so I sat down and tried to catch my breath. Once I had composed myself, I went into the building and got out all of my homework and spread it out all over the table. I was determined to finish and it was a good way to take my mind off things. After a good half hour, my small group from the BSM (where I had purposely been avoiding) saw me sitting at the table and decided to join me, so I could be included in the discussion. Ugh! I was not in the mood to be around these happy-go-lucky people; I was in a bad mood and wanted to wallow in it. They kept asking me if I was ok and saying that I wasn’t my usual self. Well duh I am not my normal self. Let it go! Eventually they leave and I manage to get most of my homework done while taking breaks to go to the bathroom and compose myself.

My mom ends up texting me instead of calling me back. She asks how I am doing and I tell her I’m fine and not to worry about me. She says she loves me and feeds me some crap about how I need to focus on God and pray about how I am feeling and that he has a plan. Nothing I haven’t heard before. I just respond with one word or one sentence until she leaves me alone. I gather all of my stuff and get back to my room as quick as possible, because these cop-out answers from her have really irritated me.

Once I get in my room, I decide I need to retreat, be alone, and be sad. I grab my pound bag of sour gummy worms, a Dr Pepper, and a box of tissues and shove them in my bag. When I am upset and just want to stay upset, I find comfort in my car, so I get in and drive to a vacant parking lot. I have on my depressing playlist and sit in my car and think. And cry. I think and cry for a long time. I talk to myself a little and then I eventually end up yelling at God, but at this point I am done.

I understand that they say He is silent, so that you will lean on Him, but He has been silent in my life for too long. I don’t ask for stupid things, but sometimes I need answers and it does more harm than good not to answer me. But who I am kidding, He has never answered me. Back in high school I could claim whatever I wanted, but when it came down to it, I never felt Him. After I have this meltdown, still nothing. Apparently I am not that important to Him, because nothing happened. Once I came to this realization. I felt different. I was ready to change my outlook. If God didn’t want to help me or answer me, then fine.

 My frustration began to stem from me being me– the next to near perfect girl.  I understand that yes I have messed up and no I am not really perfect, but honestly I just don’t see the point of striving for perfection when you don’t get anything in return. The most irritating thing for me was that some of my friends and people I know have all this going for them: a relationship, a job, an education while they do pretty much whatever they want. I just got so fed up with doing the right thing and never being happy or having things work out for me.

I have decided to take a step back from my faith for a little while and just figure out who I want to be and what I want to believe. I’m tired of having all of these expectations placed on me attached to all these assumptions. I am just a girl who wants to live and mess up and do some more living.

❤ a girl