Face It

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My final piece of advice to you is to face it. Face everything shitty you have done to someone else, face why you did it, face the fact that you did do it. Face everything shitty that has been done to you, face how it made you feel. Once you’ve done all of that then stare the shitty stuff in the face and embrace it. Grow from it. Be better, don’t keep the shit cycle going. Break it.

I read a creative story written by my roommate, Stars, and it really struck a chord with me. Although it was a creative story, it was based off her true experiences of hurt, heartache, and confusion… Lord knows I have been there too (this blog proves it!). Her last paragraph encourages you to face all the shit in your life, not just what you have endured, but also what you have caused.

Accepting that everyone, including you, causes hurt, heartache, and confusion is so important in helping yourself move on and make a change. Learning to respect each other and be considerate instead of allowing ourselves to be treated like dirt is how we can break the cycle.

I have been inspired to face all the shit in my life, caused and endured. So stay tuned to learn how I felt about certain treatment I have received as well as what caused my bad treatment of others. Let’s face the crap and break the cycle!

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Refusing To Acknowledge Doesn’t Make It Untrue

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It has been awhile, but I have finally come to an understanding. God has been faithful to me even though I refused to acknowledge it.

I prayed every day that He would bring Bailey home quickly, safely, and in good condition. I don’t think I have ever prayed so hard, so often, and so passionately for something. God answered that prayer. Bailey came back the last week of October and was generally fine.

God answered this prayer knowing the outcome. He knew it was not going to turn out like I hoped. He knew how I was going to be affected by Bailey’s inactions. But still He answered my prayer and my pleas to show me the power of prayer.

I now have this specific answered prayer to hold on to when I feel like God is far. He didn’t ignore me then to save me from the hurt and heartache He knew was coming, so now I can have faith and know that God will come through in all situations.

❤ a girl

My Brother is an Ass.

treat peopleI have one brother. He is 22 months older than me. He has dark hair and dark eyes. He doesn’t look like me. Sometimes I am not sure how we are actually related. I have been told since I can remember that he has always loved me very much. I disagree with that statement.

My brother is weird, immature, and socially awkward. It has always been hard to connect with him, because we are so different. Throughout the years I have lost all interest in spending any time with him. He is arrogant, rude, and disrespectful and I don’t like being surrounded by that.

Since my brother and I are so different, I feel like he resents me. I enjoy school and I am good at it; him not so much. I am friendly and have good friends; him not so much. I make good decisions and don’t piss our parents off; him not so much. I think he thinks our parents like me more. I think he thinks our parents are more proud of me.

Last night, the arguing and the fighting with him hit rock-bottom. He really hurt my mom and I don’t appreciate it when he treats her this way. My mom has a strict no alcohol in the house rule. My brother knows this rule, but while they were out of town this past week he disobeyed it. He has been abusing alcohol. When he gets upset or things don’t go his way, he starts downing tequila shots until he passes out. We are all worried about him. Well my mom confronted him last night and he was a jerk. You live in her house, so you can abide by her rules! But he doesn’t see it that way. He ended up taking his tequila to the street and finishing it out there, but he never came home. They couldn’t find him. No matter how rude he is, my mother still loves him. She was up all night worrying about him.

It’s times like these when I start to question everything. I don’t understand how a person can act that way, especially toward their mom. I have given him excuses when he was younger, but now I don’t feel sorry for him. He is one of the reasons I no longer have the kind of faith I used to. I used to pray every day that God would help my brother; point him in the right direction, provide him with good people to hang out with, care about him just a little, open his eyes. Now I am just done. I don’t care if God is God; I don’t see how he can make one family function and be happy, while mine struggles constantly. That may sound selfish, but I don’t care. I gave up believing God will help do anything in my life… that is if he is even up there.

Honestly, my parents should have kicked my brother out a long time ago. As much as I don’t want to see my family in shambles, I feel like it would be best if they kicked him out tomorrow. He showed back up today like he hadn’t even behaved that way last night. I want them to stand up to him. I know my mom is scared she will lose him, but at some point he has to learn that treating people this way and acting this way will get you nowhere in life. He needs to appreciate what he has instead of always taking advantage.

❤ a girl

Expectations

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My heart hurts.

It hurts, because I feel like I can’t be honest with my family and friends. I can’t tell them about how I feel. I can’t tell them all that is running through my head all the time. I can’t tell them about my disappointments, about my fear, about my problems.

My heart hurts.

It hurts, because I have to keep everything bottled up inside me. I bottle it up, because the people in my life won’t understand. They won’t understand my change of heart, my change of mind, or my change of perspective.

My heart hurts.

It hurts, because I am filled with so much fear. I fear that if I am honest with the people in my life they will leave me, push me aside, declare me unworthy of their time. I have no proof they will react like this, but I know them. I have experienced their reactions to things similar to this and I don’t want to experience it myself. Sometimes fear is good. Healthy. Sometimes keeping it bottled up is easier. Better.

My heart hurts.

It hurts, because I all I want to do is explode. I want to confess everything! I want to tell them how I am questioning my faith. I want to tell them that I am confused. I want to tell them that I want to experience life. I want to tell them that I don’t want to be perfect anymore.

My heart hurts.

It hurts, because the people in my life have expectations of me that they are not willing to lower or change. I instilled these expectations in them. I was that girl that they expect me to be, but people change. I have changed. They won’t understand. So I bottle it up and wait until the day I explode.

My heart hurts.

❤ a girl