Finding My Fire

In the throes of trying to make everyone in my life happy, I not only failed, but I also lost the very essence of what made me me. I used to be a quirky, loud, upbeat, and outspoken person. I said whatever was on my mind whether it was through words or facial expressions. I drove with my windows down and music up while singing at the top of my lungs. I wasn’t ashamed to speak my mind or do things my own way. I would always be lost in a book no matter where I was. I was different, but I was proud.

Then people decided to criticize who I was, alter my personality, and shame me. It ranged from serious to simple, but all of it affected me the same. I could see their judgement on their faces and hear it in their voices. So little by little I would just agree with what they said or apologize for doing stuff my way and eventually there was none of me left. Because of this I became confused; I didn’t know what to do or say. I became self-conscious; I tried to pinpoint everything about me someone did or could have a problem with. I became sad; I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t just be accepted as is.

Through months of depression, of hours spent in my closet, of crying myself to sleep, I thought I was lost for good, but God provided me with one person who has the most understanding and patient spirit and who did accept me as is. Little by little, I started feeling more and more comfortable around him and letting him see little glimpses of who I really am and what I really think. He would encourage me to outwardly be that version of myself, because there was nothing wrong with it. Although I still have fear that I will end up doing something that makes him run, but so far he has only been a blessing!

I am no longer going to let anyone or anything alter who I am. I am an outspoken, honest, and blunt person; sorry not sorry if that bothers you. I am a loud, tone-deaf, colorful person; sorry not sorry if that bothers you. I am a bookworm, binge-watcher, and country music lover; sorry not sorry if that bothers you. I will not apologize for or change myself. If you have a problem with who I am or if what I do bothers you, then keep on moving, because this is me and that is how it is going to be.

Don’t Just Throw Me A Bone

chasing

I don’t know if you read these posts anymore, but if you do, don’t miss this: Stop Screwing With My Head! I have made it evidently clear how I feel and I have stayed true through all of this, but what are you doing? Because let me be clear: I am confused.

So you get back and don’t contact me. Fine. No big deal. I figured you were busy trying to get reacclimated to your life. Two days later you message me. It was the most generic word possible, but I was grateful to hear from you. The smiley face made it better. I respond. Nothing. Nothing. Still Nothing.

I call. Nothing. I text. Nothing. I skype. Nothing. I reply. Nothing.

I don’t understand what you want from me. I don’t appreciate being treated like this. If you don’t have an intention to respond (or even read!) my response then please refrain from contacting me in the first place. Don’t misunderstand: I want to talk to you. I have been waiting anxiously for six weeks, but you need to put some effort in as well. You have so many options: Facebook, text message, phone call, tweet, direct message, email, skype………….. I am here. I have been waiting. I have made myself available.

I want to understand where we stand. I want to understand what we are. I want to understand how you feel. I want to understand what you are thinking. But I am running out of explanations and excuses. I want to be here for you. I want you period. But you aren’t making it very easy for me. It feels like you are deliberately ignoring me and in the beginning I was okay with it. I had come to terms with it, but then you go and contact me… why?

I have to stop chasing you. I don’t want to which is why I haven’t been successful thus far. But you need to give me the time of day or make me some kind of priority. Because my head is so foggy, I can’t see think straight. One minute I think you are done with me and then the next you throw me a bone, but then you go back to ignoring me. It has to stop. Tell me what you are thinking or what you want or what you feel… even if you know it isn’t what I want to hear. I would appreciate that more than this.

I miss our monologues. I miss our honesty. I miss our laughter. I miss our smiles. I miss you. But I need some answers.

❤ a girl

My Journey to Overcoming

My Journey to Overcoming - Edited

People have issues. People have struggles. People have problems. People have junk. People have baggage. Clarification: All People Have…

I have lots of issues. I have lots of struggles. I have lots of problems. I have lots of junk. I have lots of baggage. It follows me around like a raincloud and I have to constantly keep my umbrella over my head to get through. Well somewhere along the way my umbrella blew away in the harsh winds and I haven’t been able to find it or buy a new one.

Today I had a breakdown that led to a breakthrough. I feel like I was finally able to dry the water droplets off the lenses of my glasses and see a little clearer for the first time in awhile. I want to escape this raincloud and enjoy the sunshine that I can see from afar.

I am calling this “My Journey to Overcoming” and I plan to catalog it, so that one day I can look back and see where I was and what I was dealing with in order to see that I am capable, remember that I don’t want to ever be there again, and remind myself that whenever I get down, there is a positive way out.

This is going to be a hard journey and I would appreciate any support y’all are willing to give. I have created a separate blog Escaping The Raincloud to document my journey and so that I can keep it separate from those of you who are not interested, but still like to read my other thoughts. I struggle a lot, but I am done letting it control my life. Through some tough love, I have come to my senses and am getting help, so if you want feel free to keep up with my progress. Encouragement Definitely Welcome!

So that is what is up with me. Thank you for always sticking by me!

❤ a girl

Dear Jesse

Before you say anything just hear me out.

I know you have advised me to drop the subject, and I will, but I have to get this out.

What you did yesterday night really hurt me. I don’t know what you told Kayla; whether it was that ‘I wanted to talk to her’ or that ‘you told me that she told you that I showed her the text’ isn’t really the point… the point was that you said something to her in the first place and then decided to give her your phone to send me a message telling me ‘I don’t even care enough about you’.

I know everyone thinks I am some cold-hearted bitch, but I’m not. My heart is just as warm as the next person’s, so what people do and say does affect me. To learn that practically all of the people you thought liked you are secretly talking about you behind your back can really make a person feel alone. It made me feel alone.

I have had your back since I first started working at this restaurant when you were just an expo and everyone would tease and make fun of you. I would tell you that they are only doing this to you, because they know it bothers you and they can get a rise out of you. I had your back then and I have your back now and I would have hoped that as my friend you would stick up for me.

It would have been nice for one of my friends to tell them that they know I didn’t do it and that maybe we should actually talk to her about it.

Nobody is perfect and although I think I am pretty darn close, I’m far from it. Most people are normally dealing with stuff that they keep to themselves. I deal with feeling alone. That is something you couldn’t necessarily figure out by just knowing me on a surface level. It is for this reason that it is hard for me to ‘just drop it’ as you and others have told me.

I need to know if the conversations we have as friends are confidential. I need to know that if what I tell you will stay between us or be used as ammo the next time you want a good show or need a good piece of gossip. I accept that you love drama, but I would appreciate being left out of your games. I need to know if what I tell you will stay with you, because if it won’t then I need to start filtering what I say. We are friends and I vent to you for this reason, but I won’t if it has the possibility of being shared.

I would hope that as your friend I would receive more respect from you and I would get to see the better side of you.

❤ a girl

“Put your head right here.”

scandal 2I’ve been really into Scandal lately and I just started season 3 a couple days ago. I was just watching season 3 episode 4 ‘Say Hello to My Little Friend’ and there was a scene at the end involving Olivia and Jake.

Let me just be clear and say that I love Jacob Ballard. He is my favorite male character on this show and I adore him. It may be because I originally fell for him when he was Henry on Grey’s Anatomy, but for whatever reason I will root for him not matter who he is pursuing.

Jake and Olivia’s relationship is actually not what this post is about. This post is about this really small gesture that he makes in this scene that really spoke to me. Olivia has recently learned about who her father is and what he is capable of. In this scene, Olivia puts her head in her hands and Jake reaches over and places his hand on her knee and tells her not to cry. She tells him she isn’t crying, but trying not to scream. He leans back on the couch and points to chest right where his heart should be and tells her to lay her head there. She looks at him funny and when she sees he isn’t kidding, she puts her head there. He then tells her he isn’t going anywhere.

That might seem silly or unimportant, but it speaks volumes to me. I am one of the most awkward people and I don’t know much about relationships, because I have never been in one. I have my theories as to why that is, but I am also surrounded by my own issues. Some people can accept these issues and love me anyway whereas others cannot.

I’ll be honest and say that I really want a man in my life that can accept these issues. Accept that I am not perfect, but awkward, weird, and a bit fragile although I don’t like to admit it. I want a man who can sit with me when I am going through something and just invite me to lean on him and he will help hold me afloat. That taking it slow is okay and that he will be there for when I am ready.

I know Jake is just a TV character and this scene was written by a woman, but I really think my thoughtful yet strong man is out there and I am trying to wait patiently for him.

❤ a girl