Hope Soars High to Fall Short

Lauren, don’t get your hopes up. I am happy for you, but I don’t want to see you get hurt. These were the words I heard or read in some way or another after I told select few friends that I had finally heard back from him.

Of course I assured them all that I was just excited to hear something and that I was going to wait and see how it plays out. Lie. The second I received the first reply I was already done for. My mind was filled with conversations, laughs, smiles, possible reunion of sorts. I had so much hope that everything would go back to normal and be better again. Ha!

I was sifting through my drafts and came across this letter I wrote back on October 20th:

Dear you,

Will you still want me when you come back

and read what I have been going through?

Will you still think I am worth it?

Will you still think I am special?

Will you still think I am just right?

I hope so.

I still want you.

I still think you are worth it.

I still think you are special.

I still think you are the right amount.

Normal is boring anyway.

Or so you always say.

❤ a girl

As it turns out, I believe I already have my answer to these questions.

No. No. No. No.

As painful as it is to accept these no’s, it amazes me how different I feel now. I am becoming accustomed to the silent treatment. There are phases to this: I was in denial I suppose, bundling myself up in hope and faith, but now I am moving to the anger stage. Every time I see that my message has been read and ignored, it pisses me off as opposed to springing tears to my eyes.

I think I will always have a soft spot in my heart when it comes to him, but I have to let my relentless hope go. My friends were right to warn me that this would happen even though I didn’t listen, but I think I am officially ready to say goodbye. I can’t continue to accept this kind of treatment for myself.

The quote: “If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you. You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot.” keeps coming to mind. I told him that I would fight for him, that I wasn’t done, but I can’t fight for someone who doesn’t want to be fought for. I can’t be attached to any more one-sided relationships. They don’t build me up; they only break me down over and over again. I just can’t handle it and honestly I shouldn’t have to.

I stand by the second half of that letter. Those weren’t lies, but I cannot continue to be as invested as I was. He has to make an effort and step up, because I am worthy of much more than the nothing I am receiving. I have to stand up for myself.

So this is goodbye.

❤ a girl

Don’t Just Throw Me A Bone

chasing

I don’t know if you read these posts anymore, but if you do, don’t miss this: Stop Screwing With My Head! I have made it evidently clear how I feel and I have stayed true through all of this, but what are you doing? Because let me be clear: I am confused.

So you get back and don’t contact me. Fine. No big deal. I figured you were busy trying to get reacclimated to your life. Two days later you message me. It was the most generic word possible, but I was grateful to hear from you. The smiley face made it better. I respond. Nothing. Nothing. Still Nothing.

I call. Nothing. I text. Nothing. I skype. Nothing. I reply. Nothing.

I don’t understand what you want from me. I don’t appreciate being treated like this. If you don’t have an intention to respond (or even read!) my response then please refrain from contacting me in the first place. Don’t misunderstand: I want to talk to you. I have been waiting anxiously for six weeks, but you need to put some effort in as well. You have so many options: Facebook, text message, phone call, tweet, direct message, email, skype………….. I am here. I have been waiting. I have made myself available.

I want to understand where we stand. I want to understand what we are. I want to understand how you feel. I want to understand what you are thinking. But I am running out of explanations and excuses. I want to be here for you. I want you period. But you aren’t making it very easy for me. It feels like you are deliberately ignoring me and in the beginning I was okay with it. I had come to terms with it, but then you go and contact me… why?

I have to stop chasing you. I don’t want to which is why I haven’t been successful thus far. But you need to give me the time of day or make me some kind of priority. Because my head is so foggy, I can’t see think straight. One minute I think you are done with me and then the next you throw me a bone, but then you go back to ignoring me. It has to stop. Tell me what you are thinking or what you want or what you feel… even if you know it isn’t what I want to hear. I would appreciate that more than this.

I miss our monologues. I miss our honesty. I miss our laughter. I miss our smiles. I miss you. But I need some answers.

❤ a girl

Let The Rain Wash Away

Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday.

Starting today, North Texas is under a flash flood warning. They are expecting us to get 18 inches of rain in the next few hours and it is supposed to keep coming. As I sit at my balcony door and look out the window at the flood that is starting to gather, I can’t help smiling.

The past two days have been really good. I have been busy, but calm at the same time. I have gone to sleep without tears and have dreamed with hope. Just having good days doesn’t erase the disaster that was Monday, but seeing this rain reminds me that you can always wash your slate clean. It’s only stained if you want it to be.

so you can doubt
and you can hate
but I know, no matter what it takes

I am not perfect. I can’t be. This is hard to get through my thick skull. I make mistakes. I am human. But I also look up and look forward. I am going to beat this. Some doubt that I am trying. Some hate what I have done. Although that is a difficult truth to come to terms with, I am not going to let them hold me back. I will keep going and not look back.

I know my kingdom awaits
and they’ve forgiven my mistakes

No matter what I have done or lies I have believed, I know that I am not alone. My “kingdom” consists of people who support me and love me regardless of who or where I am. They forgive me and help point me in the right direction. To these people, I say thank you.

Still far away
from where I belong
but it’s always darkest
before the dawn

I won’t be “cured” from my sadness in a day. It is a long journey of learning to believe and love myself as well as having confidence in the truth than the lies I constantly dwell on. Having a bad today is just the prequel to the good day that tomorrow will bring. I just have to keep my head high and not let the doubt in until eventually the bad days slowly disappear.

❤ a girl

Dear You,

Dear You,

I know. I know about most of it. I know it is extremely hard. I know you aren’t being treated right. I know you are hurting. I know you want to come home.

But I also know that you are the strongest person I know. I know you have gotten through tough situations before. I know you have so many people thinking and rooting for you. I know people believe in you. I know you are not alone. I know your mom is crazy proud of you. I know I am too!

You still mean so much to me. I think about you all the time and I worry about you constantly even though you don’t want me to. I believe in you and I know you will make it back!! I refuse to give up on you and my feelings about you haven’t changed!

I wish I knew what to say, but for the first time I am at a loss for words. I just want to be an encouragement to you. Be safe and remember who you are.

❤ a girl

When My Heart Wants To Break

strength

Sometimes you just want answers, but sometimes what you get is a mix of good and bad news.

Ever since my guy left, I have been in dire need of some communication and some explanations. I was in this constant state of confusion and frustration. There was no anger. There were no thoughts of giving up. I just felt like I needed to know more. Well, I finally got my wish…

His mom and I messaged back and forth earlier. I was so excited that she was being so kind to me and had offered to give me more information on how my guy was doing… I thought maybe I would finally be set straight and my mind could take a rest.

With that being said, what I heard was not at all what I expected nor what I wanted. It wasn’t good news. It was actually horrible, awful, sickening news that has me all tore up in a whole new way. I can’t disclose what I was told, because it isn’t my news to share, but my heart wanted to break for my guy, but I also want to be as strong as I can for him.

He is going through a rough time and not the rough time he had expected when he left all those weeks ago. Luckily, he is able to communicate with his mom and that is a good outlet to keep him positive and grounded. We are hoping that he will be back home by the end of October, but that may not happen, so I can’t get my hopes up. But she told him I was asking about him and she said he was really glad to hear that and appreciated it so much. This made my heart smile. She offered to relay to him anything I wanted to tell him. That is a grand offer, but now knowing what I know, I have no idea what I would say to him.

I am so proud of him just from knowing what I know. He is being so strong when it should be impossible. I am now wrestling with my seedling of faith that I have just rekindled, because I cannot understand why he (or anyone else) is going through this. I apologize for being fairly secretive, but I just don’t feel that it is my place tell…

Any thoughts, prayers, and good vibes you are willing to send in his direction, please by all means do so! I know it would mean a lot to him to know that others are supporting him and rooting for him!

❤ a girl