Bombarded

It’s never fails that right after I post that my life is all peaches and cream, something bad happens…

Background: This past weekend, after a very long Saturday, my best friend asked if I wanted to go out – low key, one drink max. I agreed, but even after I got home my day just kept getting worse, so I texted her back that I “kinda want to get drunk.” Note: It only takes about two drinks in an hour to get me drunk. I left Winnie out in the living room under the impression we were only going to be gone for about an hour, plus I was tired and wasn’t up to being out all night. Well she thought me kinda wanting to get drunk meant I was ready to go out on the town. We parked and as we were walking to the bar, she asks if it would be okay if we met up with some of her friends. As much as I didn’t really want to, it was a little too late to say no and to make matters worse I had left my phone in her car. I agreed to spend some time with her friends, but after about half an hour I realized that she was not planning to take me home any time soon. She got really drunk and so did her friends, so I had to get her to open her phone, so I get in touch with Jeremiah to come pick me up. When I opened her texts and pulled up his name, I saw some texts about them meeting up to discuss him proposing to me. I should have read them, but I am human and I apologized for seeing them, but I did not maliciously go looking for the information. Around midnight (three hours later), Jeremiah came to pick me up and I was really upset and exhausted.

The next day I texted her asking how she was and all seemed fine. We met up on Monday to have lunch and had a great time and then yesterday she texted asking if we were grabbing lunch. I told her I was taking Payton for a birthday lunch, but I could meet her after. Well, she joined us about an hour into the lunch which was fine and I actually thought it went great! We shared a few snips at each other, but I thought it was normal friend stuff. I texted her once we all went our separate ways asking if everything was okay and apologizing again for not communicating well about my expectations of Saturday night.

Present Day: She responded to my text with a novel about how upset she was with me. I expressed my thoughts and feelings regarding what she had said as best I could, but she just kept unloading on me. A lot of it was untrue or blown out of proportion. I was trying to stay calm, but for me this was deja vu. I didn’t want to impulsively text back something that would hurt her, so I was reading through it slowly and writing out my response to make sure I would be understood, but I never got the chance. She just kept sending text after text and by the end I was crying. Before I got a chance to apologize or say anything else, she said she wanted space and didn’t want to talk to me.

I was distraught about the whole thing. I had no idea she was so mad at me and she didn’t clarify what the root was, but I was glad she had finally told me so that I could work on it and do better. What hurt the most was that she never gave me a chance to respond. I don’t think any good can come from her unloading on me, but not giving me a chance to acknowledge any of it. When I got through my work shift and my night class, I got home and sat in my closet. I haven’t spent any time in my closet in months, but this was warranted. I had no idea what I had done wrong and she just kept going over and over what she had said and trying to figure out what was going on. Jeremiah came by later to talk with me and get me to calm down. I decided that I would go to her house to show her that I cared and really wanted to fight for our friendship. Well that was a huge mistake. She refused to talk to me and then was very rude regarding my choice of trying to resolve what was going on.

Then today during my first class she decided to unload on me some more. Text after text after text. I got a few words in to explain my actions, but she just twisted them into something negative. I wanted to start crying again, but then I realized I was more angry than anything. Yesterday I was hurt, but I understood that she needed to get all of these feelings out, but today she was just attacking me and bringing stuff up that had nothing to do with me. I am also angry that she is just unloading all of this on me, but not letting me say anything to apologize, acknowledge, or defend myself. I do not appreciate being portrayed as some dramatic monster bitch.  In the past few months I have literally had no drama. I can count all of my friends on one hand and everything was going great until lunch yesterday. She created this drama, but wants to blame me for it and I won’t take it anymore. I have vowed not to spiral into a depressive episode about this, so she can have her space, but I won’t be dragged down by any of this.

Conclusion: I have decided that she can have her space. Please take from this that you cannot just unload all of your feelings on a person and not let them say anything; that will not resolve anything. You have to let that person try to fix the things you brought up. So yesterday when I said everything was swell with me, because I had my boyfriend and best gal friend… ignore that. All is wonderful with me and Jeremiah, but apparently not with the best gal friend. The cool thing about all of this is how quickly I have bounced back. Maybe there is hope for me yet.

Face It

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My final piece of advice to you is to face it. Face everything shitty you have done to someone else, face why you did it, face the fact that you did do it. Face everything shitty that has been done to you, face how it made you feel. Once you’ve done all of that then stare the shitty stuff in the face and embrace it. Grow from it. Be better, don’t keep the shit cycle going. Break it.

I read a creative story written by my roommate, Stars, and it really struck a chord with me. Although it was a creative story, it was based off her true experiences of hurt, heartache, and confusion… Lord knows I have been there too (this blog proves it!). Her last paragraph encourages you to face all the shit in your life, not just what you have endured, but also what you have caused.

Accepting that everyone, including you, causes hurt, heartache, and confusion is so important in helping yourself move on and make a change. Learning to respect each other and be considerate instead of allowing ourselves to be treated like dirt is how we can break the cycle.

I have been inspired to face all the shit in my life, caused and endured. So stay tuned to learn how I felt about certain treatment I have received as well as what caused my bad treatment of others. Let’s face the crap and break the cycle!

Last Post

All things must come to an end at some point.

This time I am not talking about friendships, relationships, school, or attitudes, I am talking about this site. I know we have been here before. I need to move on. I am done, but this time it is for real.

I finally realize how my venting has come to hurt people that I care about very much. Talking about people is not okay especially when they don’t have consent and it is in a negative manner. Many people have been scarred by my words and that is not something I am proud of. What started as a way to make myself feel better turned into a way to hurt others and essentially make me a modern day cyber bully.

I wish I could have used this site for positive. I wish I could have not fallen into temptation of gossip and defamation. I wish I could have changed lives for the better instead of the worse. Even though this site helped me overcome so many things, I don’t want to continue, because I am tired of jeopardizing so much that I had worked so hard to build.

I may act as if things do not bother me. That friendships falling apart and relationships ending do not phase me, but they do. Through tears and heartache and hurt, I have decided to stop this malicious behavior. I can say all day long that that was not my intent, but that does not change the people who have already been hurt, but I can make a change now.

I am not going to continue writing if all I can do is bring people down in order to build myself up. I am confident through newly reacknowledged faith and positive influences, I can find a better outlet.

Thank you to all who have followed my journey. Thank you to the many friends I have made along the way. My sincerest apologies to all of those who I have hurt in this process. My sincerest apologies to all of those who I have offended and pushed away.

This is the end of A Precious Penny. For good.

❤ Lauren

No Longer

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Before July my life was simple.

Before July I was that girl who wished for someone to accept her as is and give her the time of day to express herself and show that she was special.

Before July I was that girl who was sad and depressed, because she felt lonely and like no one cared to get to know her.

Before July I was that girl who never did anything not expected of her.

Before July I was that girl who played it safe by never taking any risks or chances.

July.

Because of July I felt accepted, appreciated, and cherished.

Because of July I stepped out of my comfort zone, tried new things, and was open to different perspectives.

Because of July I was sappy, smiley, and chatty.

Because of July I was able to unleash a part of myself I never felt comfortable with.

Because of July I let myself be vulnerable, be hurt.


Before January I was that girl who had never been in a relationship.

Before January I was that girl who was always single and was never pursued.

Before January I was that girl who was afraid of being touched, of letting people get close, of intimacy.

Before January I was that girl who had never kissed, cuddled, or slept over.

Before January I was cautious yet hopeful.

January.

Because of January I felt special, wanted, and attractive.

Because of January I have now kissed, cuddled, and slept over.

Because of January I can no longer identify with the girl who has never been in a relationship.

Because of January my view of love and relationships is skewed and altered.

Because of January I am confused, hurt, and cynical.


Before February I was that girl who was just best friends with a guy.

Before February I was that girl who was lost, confused, and hurt; obsessing over what happened and what went wrong.

Before February I was that girl who would have frowned upon what I am feeling now.

Before February I was that girl who knew what she wanted and would have stood up for it.

February.

Because of February my feelings are all out of whack.

Because of February I am questioning everything.

Because of February I am not sure where I stand in this thing we call friendship.

Because of February I feel I have to contemplate labels and what they mean to me.

Because of February I keep asking what I want, what I feel, and what I think.


Truth is: I just don’t know.

Hope Soars High to Fall Short

Lauren, don’t get your hopes up. I am happy for you, but I don’t want to see you get hurt. These were the words I heard or read in some way or another after I told select few friends that I had finally heard back from him.

Of course I assured them all that I was just excited to hear something and that I was going to wait and see how it plays out. Lie. The second I received the first reply I was already done for. My mind was filled with conversations, laughs, smiles, possible reunion of sorts. I had so much hope that everything would go back to normal and be better again. Ha!

I was sifting through my drafts and came across this letter I wrote back on October 20th:

Dear you,

Will you still want me when you come back

and read what I have been going through?

Will you still think I am worth it?

Will you still think I am special?

Will you still think I am just right?

I hope so.

I still want you.

I still think you are worth it.

I still think you are special.

I still think you are the right amount.

Normal is boring anyway.

Or so you always say.

❤ a girl

As it turns out, I believe I already have my answer to these questions.

No. No. No. No.

As painful as it is to accept these no’s, it amazes me how different I feel now. I am becoming accustomed to the silent treatment. There are phases to this: I was in denial I suppose, bundling myself up in hope and faith, but now I am moving to the anger stage. Every time I see that my message has been read and ignored, it pisses me off as opposed to springing tears to my eyes.

I think I will always have a soft spot in my heart when it comes to him, but I have to let my relentless hope go. My friends were right to warn me that this would happen even though I didn’t listen, but I think I am officially ready to say goodbye. I can’t continue to accept this kind of treatment for myself.

The quote: “If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you. You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot.” keeps coming to mind. I told him that I would fight for him, that I wasn’t done, but I can’t fight for someone who doesn’t want to be fought for. I can’t be attached to any more one-sided relationships. They don’t build me up; they only break me down over and over again. I just can’t handle it and honestly I shouldn’t have to.

I stand by the second half of that letter. Those weren’t lies, but I cannot continue to be as invested as I was. He has to make an effort and step up, because I am worthy of much more than the nothing I am receiving. I have to stand up for myself.

So this is goodbye.

❤ a girl