Rather Donate Than Deal

hurtTo be able to say that you are used to being hurt is horrible. The fact that I can log into pinterest and search for quotes about being hurt and the abundance are about how often it happens and how we are used to it is awful. When did our society just accept this behavior and these feelings as normal? When did we stop trying to be better and treat people better? Now it just feels we are always trying to one-up our stories about how we were hurt or how we hurt someone else. It makes me sick.

My friend, you know the friend from Hell who was supposed to be my best friend, who ended our friendship and decided it was over wasn’t worth saving… ya well she struck again. Yesterday, after she told me we weren’t ever going to talk again, because she didn’t think we made good friends, she texted me that she wanted to meet up today to return a swimsuit that I had left at her house. I thought that was nice, so I agreed to meet her. She told me the time and place she would be where I could stop by. I couldn’t make it at that time due to work meetings, so she said she would text me when she was done apartment shopping and we could meet then.

So today rolled around and once my meetings were done I texted her that I was available to meet, so just send me the when and where. Over and hour had passed when she finally texted me back that she was already out of town. WTF! Why didn’t you text me you were leaving, so we could quickly exchange stuff? Why didn’t you reply sooner to give me time to meet you? Why? Why? Why?

My theory: She can’t face me. She thought she could, but when it really came down to it, she can’t.

I told her to donate the swimsuit. I am through dealing with her. She continuously, purposefully hurts me and I am done going through that over and over again.

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Another One Bites the Dust

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It happened again. I have officially lost another best friend. Another person close to me has decided to give up on our friendship, to give up on me. The expiration date came quick this time. It was unexpected and it felt like a knife through my heart.

After the initial explosion back in February when my [now] ex-best friend told me all of her feelings and asked for some space, I gave it to her. I left her alone for months. Our relationship had dwindled down to likes on Facebook with nothing behind them, but I thought that was a step in the right direction. I kept up with her travels through Snapchat and prayed that I could do something right in order to mend our friendship.

Over these past four months of silence, I have had multiple meltdowns. Not being able to have my best friend as my maid of honor, a bridesmaid, or even involved in the wedding planning has been really hard. Before our “fight,” we talked about it all the time. She already had her toast written and her excitement just made me all the more excited. Well turns out she wasn’t excited about it, but actually frustrated with all the wedding talk, so I have been on the fence about inviting her. I was under the impression we would be friends again, so last night after my most recent breakdown, my fiance encouraged me to reach out to her.

Big Mistake! Turns out she never had any plans of us mending our friendship. All I asked was to grab dinner and talk about her travels, but she doesn’t see that happening, because she doesn’t think we make that great of friends. That was that. She just decided it was over. We do make great friends! We were best friends! I’m so sick and tired of people just giving up after one misunderstanding or mistake… of not even trying to work things out or forgive. It is so hurtful and heartbreaking.

So now I am back to where I always seem to be. Lonely. Hurt. Depressed. Friendless. My fiance has been my rock through all of this, but sometimes I don’t understand how he can be the only one who can be there for me no matter what and forgive me when mistakes are made. It just seems so hopeless.

Bombarded

It’s never fails that right after I post that my life is all peaches and cream, something bad happens…

Background: This past weekend, after a very long Saturday, my best friend asked if I wanted to go out – low key, one drink max. I agreed, but even after I got home my day just kept getting worse, so I texted her back that I “kinda want to get drunk.” Note: It only takes about two drinks in an hour to get me drunk. I left Winnie out in the living room under the impression we were only going to be gone for about an hour, plus I was tired and wasn’t up to being out all night. Well she thought me kinda wanting to get drunk meant I was ready to go out on the town. We parked and as we were walking to the bar, she asks if it would be okay if we met up with some of her friends. As much as I didn’t really want to, it was a little too late to say no and to make matters worse I had left my phone in her car. I agreed to spend some time with her friends, but after about half an hour I realized that she was not planning to take me home any time soon. She got really drunk and so did her friends, so I had to get her to open her phone, so I get in touch with Jeremiah to come pick me up. When I opened her texts and pulled up his name, I saw some texts about them meeting up to discuss him proposing to me. I should have read them, but I am human and I apologized for seeing them, but I did not maliciously go looking for the information. Around midnight (three hours later), Jeremiah came to pick me up and I was really upset and exhausted.

The next day I texted her asking how she was and all seemed fine. We met up on Monday to have lunch and had a great time and then yesterday she texted asking if we were grabbing lunch. I told her I was taking Payton for a birthday lunch, but I could meet her after. Well, she joined us about an hour into the lunch which was fine and I actually thought it went great! We shared a few snips at each other, but I thought it was normal friend stuff. I texted her once we all went our separate ways asking if everything was okay and apologizing again for not communicating well about my expectations of Saturday night.

Present Day: She responded to my text with a novel about how upset she was with me. I expressed my thoughts and feelings regarding what she had said as best I could, but she just kept unloading on me. A lot of it was untrue or blown out of proportion. I was trying to stay calm, but for me this was deja vu. I didn’t want to impulsively text back something that would hurt her, so I was reading through it slowly and writing out my response to make sure I would be understood, but I never got the chance. She just kept sending text after text and by the end I was crying. Before I got a chance to apologize or say anything else, she said she wanted space and didn’t want to talk to me.

I was distraught about the whole thing. I had no idea she was so mad at me and she didn’t clarify what the root was, but I was glad she had finally told me so that I could work on it and do better. What hurt the most was that she never gave me a chance to respond. I don’t think any good can come from her unloading on me, but not giving me a chance to acknowledge any of it. When I got through my work shift and my night class, I got home and sat in my closet. I haven’t spent any time in my closet in months, but this was warranted. I had no idea what I had done wrong and she just kept going over and over what she had said and trying to figure out what was going on. Jeremiah came by later to talk with me and get me to calm down. I decided that I would go to her house to show her that I cared and really wanted to fight for our friendship. Well that was a huge mistake. She refused to talk to me and then was very rude regarding my choice of trying to resolve what was going on.

Then today during my first class she decided to unload on me some more. Text after text after text. I got a few words in to explain my actions, but she just twisted them into something negative. I wanted to start crying again, but then I realized I was more angry than anything. Yesterday I was hurt, but I understood that she needed to get all of these feelings out, but today she was just attacking me and bringing stuff up that had nothing to do with me. I am also angry that she is just unloading all of this on me, but not letting me say anything to apologize, acknowledge, or defend myself. I do not appreciate being portrayed as some dramatic monster bitch.  In the past few months I have literally had no drama. I can count all of my friends on one hand and everything was going great until lunch yesterday. She created this drama, but wants to blame me for it and I won’t take it anymore. I have vowed not to spiral into a depressive episode about this, so she can have her space, but I won’t be dragged down by any of this.

Conclusion: I have decided that she can have her space. Please take from this that you cannot just unload all of your feelings on a person and not let them say anything; that will not resolve anything. You have to let that person try to fix the things you brought up. So yesterday when I said everything was swell with me, because I had my boyfriend and best gal friend… ignore that. All is wonderful with me and Jeremiah, but apparently not with the best gal friend. The cool thing about all of this is how quickly I have bounced back. Maybe there is hope for me yet.

Face It

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My final piece of advice to you is to face it. Face everything shitty you have done to someone else, face why you did it, face the fact that you did do it. Face everything shitty that has been done to you, face how it made you feel. Once you’ve done all of that then stare the shitty stuff in the face and embrace it. Grow from it. Be better, don’t keep the shit cycle going. Break it.

I read a creative story written by my roommate, Stars, and it really struck a chord with me. Although it was a creative story, it was based off her true experiences of hurt, heartache, and confusion… Lord knows I have been there too (this blog proves it!). Her last paragraph encourages you to face all the shit in your life, not just what you have endured, but also what you have caused.

Accepting that everyone, including you, causes hurt, heartache, and confusion is so important in helping yourself move on and make a change. Learning to respect each other and be considerate instead of allowing ourselves to be treated like dirt is how we can break the cycle.

I have been inspired to face all the shit in my life, caused and endured. So stay tuned to learn how I felt about certain treatment I have received as well as what caused my bad treatment of others. Let’s face the crap and break the cycle!

Last Post

All things must come to an end at some point.

This time I am not talking about friendships, relationships, school, or attitudes, I am talking about this site. I know we have been here before. I need to move on. I am done, but this time it is for real.

I finally realize how my venting has come to hurt people that I care about very much. Talking about people is not okay especially when they don’t have consent and it is in a negative manner. Many people have been scarred by my words and that is not something I am proud of. What started as a way to make myself feel better turned into a way to hurt others and essentially make me a modern day cyber bully.

I wish I could have used this site for positive. I wish I could have not fallen into temptation of gossip and defamation. I wish I could have changed lives for the better instead of the worse. Even though this site helped me overcome so many things, I don’t want to continue, because I am tired of jeopardizing so much that I had worked so hard to build.

I may act as if things do not bother me. That friendships falling apart and relationships ending do not phase me, but they do. Through tears and heartache and hurt, I have decided to stop this malicious behavior. I can say all day long that that was not my intent, but that does not change the people who have already been hurt, but I can make a change now.

I am not going to continue writing if all I can do is bring people down in order to build myself up. I am confident through newly reacknowledged faith and positive influences, I can find a better outlet.

Thank you to all who have followed my journey. Thank you to the many friends I have made along the way. My sincerest apologies to all of those who I have hurt in this process. My sincerest apologies to all of those who I have offended and pushed away.

This is the end of A Precious Penny. For good.

❤ Lauren