Last Post

All things must come to an end at some point.

This time I am not talking about friendships, relationships, school, or attitudes, I am talking about this site. I know we have been here before. I need to move on. I am done, but this time it is for real.

I finally realize how my venting has come to hurt people that I care about very much. Talking about people is not okay especially when they don’t have consent and it is in a negative manner. Many people have been scarred by my words and that is not something I am proud of. What started as a way to make myself feel better turned into a way to hurt others and essentially make me a modern day cyber bully.

I wish I could have used this site for positive. I wish I could have not fallen into temptation of gossip and defamation. I wish I could have changed lives for the better instead of the worse. Even though this site helped me overcome so many things, I don’t want to continue, because I am tired of jeopardizing so much that I had worked so hard to build.

I may act as if things do not bother me. That friendships falling apart and relationships ending do not phase me, but they do. Through tears and heartache and hurt, I have decided to stop this malicious behavior. I can say all day long that that was not my intent, but that does not change the people who have already been hurt, but I can make a change now.

I am not going to continue writing if all I can do is bring people down in order to build myself up. I am confident through newly reacknowledged faith and positive influences, I can find a better outlet.

Thank you to all who have followed my journey. Thank you to the many friends I have made along the way. My sincerest apologies to all of those who I have hurt in this process. My sincerest apologies to all of those who I have offended and pushed away.

This is the end of A Precious Penny. For good.

❤ Lauren

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Not All Things Are Forever

Friends

Life is full of seasons. Childhood. Adolescence. Adulthood. Beyond. To go even further, you can split these four seasons into smaller seasons, specifically Adolescence and Adulthood. Within Adolescence, we have elementary school, jr. high, and high school. Within Adulthood, we start with college and keep on trucking through getting real jobs, getting married, and having children. Through all of these seasons everything in your life tends to change, sometimes you can stop it, but sometimes there is nothing you can do.

Besides us as people, I think our friends are what change the most. Whether it be a dramatic change, a drastic change, or a dreaded change; the bottom line is that not all friends are meant to last from day one to the end.

As we go through life, we face different trials. These trials shape us into different people than we once were and sometimes people who are really close to us do not understand. We can try and explain it. We can try and apologize. We can try and revert to our old selves. But sometimes everything we try and do just doesn’t work.

When it becomes more stressful and exhausting and draining to continue being friends, you have to come to terms that maybe it is just time to go your separate ways. It is never easy to see a friendship go, especially for me, who feels all friendships should be forever, but that is implausible. I have struggled with losing friends and letting friends go for as long as I can remember. I beat myself up over the fact that I cannot make them all happy or, better yet, understand me.

But lately I have been uncharacteristically calm about my friendships changing. I have slowly been growing apart from my close friends from high school and was so scared of losing them, but now I have met new people who I am slowly realizing I am more comfortable spending time and sharing my thoughts with. I am learning to cherish the time I have to get to know them and relate to them while we are all in this time of growing.

It has taken me a long time to come to this point in my life where I am okay with my changing friendships. It can even come as a relief to realize that you aren’t chained for all your days to friends who are not growing in the same way or direction that you are.

Let that sink in. Once I came to terms with the fact that it is okay for not all friends to be best friends and not all friendships to be forever, I could start appreciating the friends I currently have and start building lasting relationships with them.

❤ Lauren

Let The Rain Wash Away

Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday.

Starting today, North Texas is under a flash flood warning. They are expecting us to get 18 inches of rain in the next few hours and it is supposed to keep coming. As I sit at my balcony door and look out the window at the flood that is starting to gather, I can’t help smiling.

The past two days have been really good. I have been busy, but calm at the same time. I have gone to sleep without tears and have dreamed with hope. Just having good days doesn’t erase the disaster that was Monday, but seeing this rain reminds me that you can always wash your slate clean. It’s only stained if you want it to be.

so you can doubt
and you can hate
but I know, no matter what it takes

I am not perfect. I can’t be. This is hard to get through my thick skull. I make mistakes. I am human. But I also look up and look forward. I am going to beat this. Some doubt that I am trying. Some hate what I have done. Although that is a difficult truth to come to terms with, I am not going to let them hold me back. I will keep going and not look back.

I know my kingdom awaits
and they’ve forgiven my mistakes

No matter what I have done or lies I have believed, I know that I am not alone. My “kingdom” consists of people who support me and love me regardless of who or where I am. They forgive me and help point me in the right direction. To these people, I say thank you.

Still far away
from where I belong
but it’s always darkest
before the dawn

I won’t be “cured” from my sadness in a day. It is a long journey of learning to believe and love myself as well as having confidence in the truth than the lies I constantly dwell on. Having a bad today is just the prequel to the good day that tomorrow will bring. I just have to keep my head high and not let the doubt in until eventually the bad days slowly disappear.

❤ a girl

1 Step Forward. 1 Step Stronger.

leaping

Rollercoaster. The one word that describes my emotions, my thoughts, and my choices. I have been up and down, back and forth to end up where I started.

I have had a rough time for awhile now, but it mainly started falling apart back in February. Some things happened that I didn’t understand and just completely gave up. I was angry with God, so I decided to ditch the Christian life altogether. I stopped praying, reading my Bible, and going to church; by summer I considered myself a Deist who basically believed God created me, but wanted nothing to do with me.

At first this lifestyle seemed so great. I felt so light and airy with no expectations, but eventually the light and airy feeling changed to empty. I had nothing to believe in and no accountability system, but I was too proud to admit this to anyone. Little by little my negative feelings and thoughts got worse until I was a big ball of anger and hate. I didn’t know what to do and when the good things in my life started going downhill, I completely broke.

Over the past few weeks, I have decided that God isn’t dead to me and that I am not done with my faith. I have chosen to pursue the Lord again. Through so much love and encouragement, I am on the right track. A friend invited me to a homegroup that meets on Wednesdays nights that I have attended twice and now look forward to as well as having the opportunity to go on a retreat with that group that gave me ample time to spend alone with the Lord, listening to others stories of how He has worked in their lives,  and some powerful worship.

I am excited about this new journey. Although, I feel like I am back where I started, I am most definitely not. Before February I was going through the motions. I was under the impression that I had to do all of these things to be right with God and to have a relationship with him, but it wasn’t true and by believing that I had all of these expectations that couldn’t be met and I started to become frustrated with myself. Now, I have a much healthier outlook and I am actively pursuing the Lord and learning what He actually means to me. I feel so much stronger in myself now knowing that I am not fighting my battles alone.

❤ a girl

One Person Can’t Define People

people can surprise you

I feel like I haven’t written like forever, but apparently it has only been one day. :O

So I have been dealing with some emotional stuff for awhile now and I have just now come forwarded. Basically, I have been struggling with all of these symptoms that lead up to depression, but I haven’t been diagnosed, because I have not gone to see a professional.

This past Sunday, I decided to tell all of y’all through this blog and my friends and family through Facebook that I was having a difficult time not being sad and negative all of the time. Honestly, I wasn’t sure of the kind of response I was going to receive. I assumed y’all would be more open and nice about the whole thing, because bloggers typically are more open-minded and kind, but my family and friends surprised me in an entirely new way.

Not all of them of course. Some ignored my cry for help, but some really blew me away by the nice words they had to share. Lots of older people were willing to encourage me and give me ideas as to how to find my joy, but one person in particular stood out to me.

This person chose not to like or comment on my “status”, but instead messaged me. This person is a Facebook “friend”, but not someone I had ever spoke to in person. We went to the same high school and have tons of mutual friends, but weren’t necessarily friends ourselves. They opened up and told me that they read my post and felt convicted to share their story with me, because they feel I am where they were about a year ago.

First off, this is the last person I would ever have expected to come to me with this kind of information. They are nice and kind and sweet and smart… pretty much perfect from everything I had ever heard or read about them, but it was just the first sign that I could relate to them.

Today, they emailed me their story of battling depression and how they are overcoming it. As I was reading, I could see my own life going through my head. I understood what they were talking about and how they were feeling, because they were right- I was there right now. Their story made me cry. Not sad tears, but happy tears that helped me register that I was not alone in dealing with this.

For awhile now, I have kind of lost my hope in people. Not all of them, because I have select few friends and family who have come through for me, but for the most part I have been beaten down and broken by them over and over that I just didn’t care to interact with them anymore. But after receiving that message from a person who only knew of me from what social media shows and still having the courage to reach out to me even though it was scary and a long shot… it restored my hope.

Good people are out there. You have to keep searching. Don’t let one negative person (I have been this person) ruin your day or your life. When you find the good ones, let them create joy in your life and cherish it.

❤ a girl