It’s never fails that right after I post that my life is all peaches and cream, something bad happens…

Background: This past weekend, after a very long Saturday, my best friend asked if I wanted to go out – low key, one drink max. I agreed, but even after I got home my day just kept getting worse, so I texted her back that I “kinda want to get drunk.” Note: It only takes about two drinks in an hour to get me drunk. I left Winnie out in the living room under the impression we were only going to be gone for about an hour, plus I was tired and wasn’t up to being out all night. Well she thought me kinda wanting to get drunk meant I was ready to go out on the town. We parked and as we were walking to the bar, she asks if it would be okay if we met up with some of her friends. As much as I didn’t really want to, it was a little too late to say no and to make matters worse I had left my phone in her car. I agreed to spend some time with her friends, but after about half an hour I realized that she was not planning to take me home any time soon. She got really drunk and so did her friends, so I had to get her to open her phone, so I get in touch with Jeremiah to come pick me up. When I opened her texts and pulled up his name, I saw some texts about them meeting up to discuss him proposing to me. I should have read them, but I am human and I apologized for seeing them, but I did not maliciously go looking for the information. Around midnight (three hours later), Jeremiah came to pick me up and I was really upset and exhausted.

The next day I texted her asking how she was and all seemed fine. We met up on Monday to have lunch and had a great time and then yesterday she texted asking if we were grabbing lunch. I told her I was taking Payton for a birthday lunch, but I could meet her after. Well, she joined us about an hour into the lunch which was fine and I actually thought it went great! We shared a few snips at each other, but I thought it was normal friend stuff. I texted her once we all went our separate ways asking if everything was okay and apologizing again for not communicating well about my expectations of Saturday night.

Present Day: She responded to my text with a novel about how upset she was with me. I expressed my thoughts and feelings regarding what she had said as best I could, but she just kept unloading on me. A lot of it was untrue or blown out of proportion. I was trying to stay calm, but for me this was deja vu. I didn’t want to impulsively text back something that would hurt her, so I was reading through it slowly and writing out my response to make sure I would be understood, but I never got the chance. She just kept sending text after text and by the end I was crying. Before I got a chance to apologize or say anything else, she said she wanted space and didn’t want to talk to me.

I was distraught about the whole thing. I had no idea she was so mad at me and she didn’t clarify what the root was, but I was glad she had finally told me so that I could work on it and do better. What hurt the most was that she never gave me a chance to respond. I don’t think any good can come from her unloading on me, but not giving me a chance to acknowledge any of it. When I got through my work shift and my night class, I got home and sat in my closet. I haven’t spent any time in my closet in months, but this was warranted. I had no idea what I had done wrong and she just kept going over and over what she had said and trying to figure out what was going on. Jeremiah came by later to talk with me and get me to calm down. I decided that I would go to her house to show her that I cared and really wanted to fight for our friendship. Well that was a huge mistake. She refused to talk to me and then was very rude regarding my choice of trying to resolve what was going on.

Then today during my first class she decided to unload on me some more. Text after text after text. I got a few words in to explain my actions, but she just twisted them into something negative. I wanted to start crying again, but then I realized I was more angry than anything. Yesterday I was hurt, but I understood that she needed to get all of these feelings out, but today she was just attacking me and bringing stuff up that had nothing to do with me. I am also angry that she is just unloading all of this on me, but not letting me say anything to apologize, acknowledge, or defend myself. I do not appreciate being portrayed as some dramatic monster bitch.  In the past few months I have literally had no drama. I can count all of my friends on one hand and everything was going great until lunch yesterday. She created this drama, but wants to blame me for it and I won’t take it anymore. I have vowed not to spiral into a depressive episode about this, so she can have her space, but I won’t be dragged down by any of this.

Conclusion: I have decided that she can have her space. Please take from this that you cannot just unload all of your feelings on a person and not let them say anything; that will not resolve anything. You have to let that person try to fix the things you brought up. So yesterday when I said everything was swell with me, because I had my boyfriend and best gal friend… ignore that. All is wonderful with me and Jeremiah, but apparently not with the best gal friend. The cool thing about all of this is how quickly I have bounced back. Maybe there is hope for me yet.


In a Year’s Time…

This time last year I was getting out of an awful, unhealthy relationship. My first relationship. It was a hard, eye-opening experience that left me confused and depressed, but it also showed me who I really was and what I really wanted. Through this process, I grew closer to my best gal friend and my best friend turned into the love of my life.

You know how people tell you that difficult or confusing times will turn into stories later on that you can laugh about? Well, I never truly understood that statement until I went through this whole mess. The story of how my best gal friend, my boyfriend, and I became the dynamic three amigos we are now is a fun one, but it was full of confusing and downright messed up twists and turns. As painful as last January and early February was – being broken-up with, spiraling into a depressive episode, and feeling worthless – I wouldn’t trade all the confusion and hurt. For the most part, I pretend like last January never happened. I have struck the happenings of the whole month from my memory, but when I think really hard about it, I am grateful to have had my heart go through such agony, because it showed me the good that was right in front of my face. I knew Jeremiah before choosing to date Q. I tell myself that if I had just said no to Q, I could have been with Jeremiah sooner and would have saved myself all the heartache, but truth be told, I think I would have taken Jeremiah’s goodness for granted had I not experienced being used by Q.

As I was reading through some of my posts from last year, I am appalled at how I let Q get off so easy. He literally used me for company by pretending to be interested in me and then when the guilt finally caught up to him, he couldn’t just admit it, but instead decided to break-up with me and reel me back in three times. It was traumatizing to say the least and really messed with my self-esteem. But as I reflected back, I literally kept saying that I wasn’t angry with him and I didn’t hate him, which I am sure I thought was the correct way to go about it, but I think it would have been okay to claim that I was angry and I did despise him. I said at one point that I would just have to accept that I would always care about him – wrong!I no longer think about him and I definitely do not care about him. And not only is that okay, it is good! It proves that he no longer has a hold over me.

The quote in the image at the top of the page reminded me of this time in my life. This time of trying to regain my confidence after having my heart and mind dragged through the mud. Before Q, I was strong and confident, but afterward I felt betrayed and I felt ashamed that I fell for his tricks. It took time and a lot of patience for me to break out of this shell and to not be fearful of opening up and taking risks. To that I owe a huge thank you to Jeremiah. He was my rock through finding myself, if you will, again. He helped me in ways he will never ever understand, but it was the first time I had felt blind love from someone. Jeremiah didn’t swoop in and try and be my boyfriend, instead he took time to just be there as whatever I needed. He quickly became my best friend and now I love him with every fiber in my being.

In the end, I have come to appreciate slow and messy beginnings. Sometimes the things you think will ruin your life or change who you are, can bring out better things you never imagined!

Let Voices Ring

Hello Friends!

We are in the year two thousand and seventeen. Have you ever just stopped and thought about that? Our world has existed for more than two thousand years… that’s a long time. It is crazy for me to think about how most of what makes the life we live possible is actually quite a recent discovery; cars, television, computers, cell phones. Technology is advancing so quickly and sometimes I just have to wonder if this fast growth is actually benefiting us?

Anywho, I know I am twenty days late, but happy new year. I haven’t been around, because I have been sorting out my life and my thoughts. I used to write in order to help me think, but due to some emotional stuff that happened with my writing, I gradually put it to the wayside, but I am desperate to start again. I have all these thoughts and words and ideas floating around in my head and am struggling to get them out.

In the past year (and even in the past – almost –  two years since I started this blog), so much has happened to me and at the same time it feels as if nothing has happened to me. I cannot wait to explore these feelings as I tell you about what has been going on with me.

There are going to be some repeat posts; my own work, but I wrote it for another blog I tried to get off the ground. For the past 8 months or so I have been trying to escape this site. By not writing, by not expressing myself the way I want, by trying to please others, I let these “others” tarnish the purity in how I view the writing I have done here. In my eyes, my thoughts and feelings on here are real and raw. Because others were unhappy with me about my writing, I thought if I just made this blog disappear I would be forgiven and everything would go back to normal the way it was. No such luck, but honestly I wouldn’t want it any other way. No matter how hard I wanted to destroy the words I have written here, I just couldn’t do it.

I am too proud to let others silence me.

So here I am, the year two thousand and seventeen and I have decided that my voice will be heard.

Calm White Watching The Storm

Have you ever found yourself caught in someone else’s storm?

Everything is going wrong for them and you are just… there. I feel that way now. As frustrated as this someone else is, I find myself frustrated as well, but in a whole different way, which can in turn cause them even more frustration.

It is also one of those situations where your life may not be at its absolute best, but it still doesn’t compare to what they are dealing with.

Right now, I am living on couches (my boyfriend’s and my future roommates’) and I have no car, because Milo overheated a few days ago. But that is the extent of my so-called storm… it is more of an annoying drizzle. But Jeremiah is dealing with a storm that includes strong wind and golf ball sized hail. He moved into a new apartment and everything has been going wrong. It started with the leasing company putting the wrong price on the lease, then giving him the wrong keys, then he wasn’t able to move in on time, then his bathroom faucet was leaking, then two stove burners didn’t work, then there were cockroaches, then the maintenance guy busted the water pipe, then his bathroom and upstairs hallway flooded, then the maintenance guy rigged the hot water pipe and now his bathroom has no working sink and is as hot as a sauna, then the flood put a whole in his kitchen ceiling, then the shower started leaking, then he was given no key to his mailbox, then his espresso machine didn’t work……. just one thing after another and although he is doing everything he can, nothing is being fixed.

As you can see, he has every reason to be frustrated; furious even plus normal stress with school and money and work. Now my frustration comes in, because I see him struggling and angry, but I can’t do anything to help. I feel stuck and all I want to do is make him feel better, but I feel helpless.

At the same time, I am trying to comfort him, because as someone watching the situation instead of it happening to them, I can see positives and I can easily say that it isn’t the end of the world and that it could be worse, but that isn’t helpful for him at all. I really hope we can find a happy medium, so that I can stop adding to his frustration.

Show Review: Gilmore Girls

As much as I loved the show Gilmore Girls, it took me over two years to finish it. I had seen mismatched episodes on ABC Family a long time ago, but chose to watch it in order when Netflix put the entire series up. It is such an original, heartwarming, good-feeling, laugh a little, cry a little, smile a lot story. I recommend for all girls in general, but especially preteen, teens, and college aged girls; if you can watch it with your mom then that is a plus.

The story follows Lorelai and Rory Gilmore for just about 7 years while they figure out life and love. They are two very quirky characters who live in a town full of even more quirky people, places, and events. Watching this show is never dull and it can be quite an inspiring ride. I’ll admit that I definitely cried during the last episode.

Lorelai is a single mom who is estranged from her parents when the show begins, but eventually builds a relationship with them through certain circumstances. She is in the hospitality industry and is best friends with an incredible chef. Rory is her whole world and she will do whatever it takes to help her succeed and be the best she can be.

Rory starts out as a sophomore in high school who has just gotten her break at a top tier prep school. She loves to read, read, and study. She is best friends with an Asian girl who dreams of being in a band, but has a crazy strict mother. Rory is very naive, so you get to experience her navigate growing up.

Both girls face hardship, drama, and heartache as well as superior excitement, happiness, and love while being overly caffeinated. It is definitely a show not to miss. In some aspects, it has given me a whole new outlook on certain activities!

“If you are going to throw your life away, he’d better have a motorcycle.”
-Lorelai Gilmore