To Have and To Hold

Find A Heart

Remember that guy I told y’all about at the beginning of this month? Remember how happy I was? Well… I am back to report that he is still by my side and I am still happy!

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That guy’s name is Jeremiah and I wanted to do a post where I just expressed all he does for me and why I care about him so much… and that will come when I have more time, but there is something else that just happened that takes precedence over all.

You all know how I have my breakdowns (now more sporadic that before). Well Jeremiah knows they happen too, but hadn’t ever witnessed one. He had seen me upset, but never like this. Last night he was over at my house and we were just doing homework and chatting when I just lost it. I wasn’t planning on it, because we are still in that ‘trying to always show our best side’ stage although our true colors show more than we notice, but it happened nonetheless.

It was in this moment that if I had any farther to fall for him, I would have. Instead of acting as if he had never seen tears before or trying to cheer me up, he just caressed my head and wiped away my tears. I couldn’t stop even though I was willing myself to hold it together until he left, but it was as if my brain just knew I was right where I needed to be.

After I sobbed a little longer, he got up pulling me with him and opened my closet. He sat down and pulled me to him and just held me… against his chest, in the dark, in my spot. The fact that he wasn’t weirded out by me needing my closet for comfort just made my heart beat faster. We just sat in there for awhile until my tears stopped. He just spoke calmly to me while rubbing my back until I could breathe easy again. Then he encouraged me to leave the closet and try and work on homework.

He was completely natural and made me feel so safe! I feel so truly lucky to have him!!

❤ Lauren

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Hope Soars High to Fall Short

Lauren, don’t get your hopes up. I am happy for you, but I don’t want to see you get hurt. These were the words I heard or read in some way or another after I told select few friends that I had finally heard back from him.

Of course I assured them all that I was just excited to hear something and that I was going to wait and see how it plays out. Lie. The second I received the first reply I was already done for. My mind was filled with conversations, laughs, smiles, possible reunion of sorts. I had so much hope that everything would go back to normal and be better again. Ha!

I was sifting through my drafts and came across this letter I wrote back on October 20th:

Dear you,

Will you still want me when you come back

and read what I have been going through?

Will you still think I am worth it?

Will you still think I am special?

Will you still think I am just right?

I hope so.

I still want you.

I still think you are worth it.

I still think you are special.

I still think you are the right amount.

Normal is boring anyway.

Or so you always say.

❤ a girl

As it turns out, I believe I already have my answer to these questions.

No. No. No. No.

As painful as it is to accept these no’s, it amazes me how different I feel now. I am becoming accustomed to the silent treatment. There are phases to this: I was in denial I suppose, bundling myself up in hope and faith, but now I am moving to the anger stage. Every time I see that my message has been read and ignored, it pisses me off as opposed to springing tears to my eyes.

I think I will always have a soft spot in my heart when it comes to him, but I have to let my relentless hope go. My friends were right to warn me that this would happen even though I didn’t listen, but I think I am officially ready to say goodbye. I can’t continue to accept this kind of treatment for myself.

The quote: “If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you. You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot.” keeps coming to mind. I told him that I would fight for him, that I wasn’t done, but I can’t fight for someone who doesn’t want to be fought for. I can’t be attached to any more one-sided relationships. They don’t build me up; they only break me down over and over again. I just can’t handle it and honestly I shouldn’t have to.

I stand by the second half of that letter. Those weren’t lies, but I cannot continue to be as invested as I was. He has to make an effort and step up, because I am worthy of much more than the nothing I am receiving. I have to stand up for myself.

So this is goodbye.

❤ a girl

Even Though The Odds Are Against Us…

cute

We made it two months!

Some may think it is silly to be excited about something so small, but this is HUGE to me! We have gone up against distance [1,000 miles or 16 hours] and those who chose not to encourage us, but we didn’t let either of those things stop us and it has been absolutely wonderful!

You continue to make me beam and blush. You never fail to make me smile when I want to frown and laugh when I want to cry. You have no problem channeling your inner hopeless romantic to tell me sappy things or your inner goofball to come up with the cheesiest things! You are full of never ending surprises in every way and I cannot wait to continue finding out new things about you.

I thought for sure I would have scared you off by now, but you have shown you don’t scare easily! 🙂 I thought for sure when you found out my washing machine wasn’t broken after all, when I had my meltdown, because I got rice stuck in my phone’s charging port, or when I was a blubbering mess after making the assumption my best friend had replaced me, but I underestimated you. You managed to cheer me up (thanks for that run down of the Twilight Saga in a minute by the way!) after I told you I wanted to be sad. You didn’t shy away from a distraught me and I cannot express how much I appreciate you not giving up on me!

Hun, you really are one of a kind and I do not know how I got so lucky! I guess I should thank you for taking a leap, because I jumped too and fell… hard! I have found out that differences can be so much fun and that it is important to bounce back. You and me– we blow my mind –and I have realized that we may not always see eye to eye, but that doesn’t mean that we cannot see heart to heart.

The time and space we have before us is just an adventure that is going to make us stronger! You mean so much to me and I cannot wait to experience what the future has in store for us. 😀

❤ a girl

Can We Talk For 5 Minutes?

talking makes my day

Throughout the day, there is nothing I want more than to talk to you. I want to tell you everything, because you can’t be here. I want to tell you about all the laughs, all the smiles, all the tears, all the anger, all the frustration…. just everything! The greatest part about you, is that you want to hear them all too.

Text messages flood my phone all day and I smile every time it vibrates alerting me of words from you. We talk about silly stuff, deep stuff, sappy stuff, future stuff, life stuff…. just everything! It makes me happy knowing that I can call you about whatever, whether I have a rant, a joke, a story, or I am freaking out, because I can’t figure out how to use my washing machine (hence last night 😉 )

You are the best, because you not only want to hear from me, but you want to talk to me as well. We can keep up with each other… this is practically a miracle between the both of us talking really fast and being all over the place. You have never once told me that you think I talk too much, instead you encourage hearing from me. So many facts make you a keeper, but knowing you appreciate how much I love to express myself through talking makes my insides flutter.

I love how we will sacrifice sleep in order to not miss an evening conversation with each other. Last night you wanted to go to sleep at midnight. I got home at 11:55 and called you asking for just five minutes! 4 hours later and we still weren’t ready to hang up. It is incredible that once we start talking to each other, the exhaustion slips away and the words just keep coming.

Skype is a wonderful tool and getting to see you is even better, but I long for the day when I can actually reach out and touch you and feel your warmth. It cracks me up that you broke your mic, so for days I would talk and you would type and then last night we talked on the phone while skyping…. oh the struggles that make life fun!

And even when we aren’t talking, it is such a sweet time. Sometimes I get caught up in the moment and actually have no words, but instead we just sit or lay there quietly listening to each other breathe and just gazing at each other. I feel just as much in these times as I do when we are fighting on getting our words out fast enough.

Soon I won’t be able to call or skype, but I am going to embrace writing letters. It will be so romantic and it will be our thing. I can’t wait, because after all of this, we will be together; I know it!

❤ a girl