Another One Bites the Dust

failed friendship quote 1

It happened again. I have officially lost another best friend. Another person close to me has decided to give up on our friendship, to give up on me. The expiration date came quick this time. It was unexpected and it felt like a knife through my heart.

After the initial explosion back in February when my [now] ex-best friend told me all of her feelings and asked for some space, I gave it to her. I left her alone for months. Our relationship had dwindled down to likes on Facebook with nothing behind them, but I thought that was a step in the right direction. I kept up with her travels through Snapchat and prayed that I could do something right in order to mend our friendship.

Over these past four months of silence, I have had multiple meltdowns. Not being able to have my best friend as my maid of honor, a bridesmaid, or even involved in the wedding planning has been really hard. Before our “fight,” we talked about it all the time. She already had her toast written and her excitement just made me all the more excited. Well turns out she wasn’t excited about it, but actually frustrated with all the wedding talk, so I have been on the fence about inviting her. I was under the impression we would be friends again, so last night after my most recent breakdown, my fiance encouraged me to reach out to her.

Big Mistake! Turns out she never had any plans of us mending our friendship. All I asked was to grab dinner and talk about her travels, but she doesn’t see that happening, because she doesn’t think we make that great of friends. That was that. She just decided it was over. We do make great friends! We were best friends! I’m so sick and tired of people just giving up after one misunderstanding or mistake… of not even trying to work things out or forgive. It is so hurtful and heartbreaking.

So now I am back to where I always seem to be. Lonely. Hurt. Depressed. Friendless. My fiance has been my rock through all of this, but sometimes I don’t understand how he can be the only one who can be there for me no matter what and forgive me when mistakes are made. It just seems so hopeless.

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Highways Can Lead You Anywhere

freedomLast night I had the opportunity to meet an author. I looked up directions to the venue and it was about an hour away. I was so nervous, because getting there involved all of these highways and a foreign place I had never been. I asked myself how badly I wanted to go, but it wasn’t everyday you get to listen to a successful author speak.

Did I mention I was going to this thing by myself?

I have always wanted to go to events like this and not feel obligated to find someone to go with me. Like if there was a speaker on campus I wanted to hear or a movie I wanted to see… I have always felt that going to something alone was a negative thing, but last night I took the plunge and I felt empowered.

So I plugged the address into my phone and set out for my destination. It started me on a familiar highway, but not soon after I was merging onto a huge toll road. I gripped the steering wheel, because I had no clue what lane to be in, but I decided to take a deep breath and enjoy the ride.

At the beginning of the journey there weren’t that many cars on the road and as I flew down the highway, I glanced up at all the adjoining highways over my head and all of the highways that merge from both sides. It hit me then that highways can lead you anywhere and everywhere you want to go. They are means to escape. It amazed me that if you wanted to just get lost and find somewhere you’ve never been, you could just get on a highway and go- take a right here, merge onto here, take this loop, exit here, take a left here, and BOOM a new destination you never thought to go where no one will find you.

As I was sitting in traffic on one highway, I looked at all the cars around me for miles and it blew my mind again that there are this many people around me that I don’t know; all with families, jobs, feelings, and trying to get somewhere just like me. In that one moment, sitting in traffic on a five lane highway, I felt so connected to the people around me.

Next time you feel alone, I encourage you to leave wherever you are around 5:30 and make your way to a crowded highway and take in all the other people in the same boat as you…

❤ a girl

Born to be Alone

lonely

Are some people born to be alone?

Are some people born to be single?

There are days when I can be surrounded by people, but feel so unnoticed. There are days when all I want to do is participate in activities that don’t require interaction with others. There are days when crowds and compliments push me so far over the edge.

There are days when I think that I was meant to be alone and there is nothing I can do about it.

I am an introvert, so being alone doesn’t necessarily bother me, but when I think about the future, I can’t help, but assume it is just going to be me.

I like to read, watch TV, think, knit, scrapbook… these are all things that most people do alone. I am adamant about adopting my children… maybe I am so passionate about adoption, because it doesn’t require having a significant other. I’ve never been one to obsess over my future wedding… possibly because I don’t think I’ll ever have one.

Lately I feel that there are so many signs that maybe I was just made to be alone and single my entire life. Sure, I have friends, but at some point they have to go home, get their own lives, have their own kids. Of course I will happy for them, but I wonder where the difference between them and me is.

I am always told that there is someone out there for me. That I need to be patient. That I need to be confident. But do they realize that I have been alive for twenty years and I have been on one date, had one guy say that I was cute, and have had no boyfriends. I can’t help but wonder why? Why am I not worth it?

Sometimes I get frustrated with the people who have what I want tell me what I need to do to make it happen. It’s not like I do anything wrong. I love myself (for the most part). I am confident (for the most part). I have standards. I don’t live under a rock. I put myself out there (for the most part). But ever since I can remember I was just never that girl and now I feel that maybe I am just meant to be content in being alone.

Could this be true? Is this a bad thing? Can I change it?

❤ a girl