Thankful For Closure

The crickets are gone!

All of my badgering paid off, because today the silence was replaced with words. Wonderful, wonderful words!!

I couldn’t just give up. Sure, I acted as if I was done. I said I had come to terms with everything. I insinuated that I was moving on. Well this was all untrue. I was still periodically messaging and calling every few days. They all went unanswered until today.

Anytime I am dealing with something confusing, I think about my guy, because he always had a knack for helping me see a little clearer. Well I decided to go at it again, because I desperately needed to hear something. I decided to send an email first, but then I chose to torture myself some more and look at our Facebook messages. He was online, so I took the plunge and sent the most honest message I could muster hoping something would get through.

Then it happened, the little ding that occurred when the person has read your message. My hand started shaking, because this hadn’t happened in over 9 weeks. Then the little gray dots appeared and I almost went into shock. Then his reply popped up and a tear escaped my eye.

I took a deep breath and read his words. His words. His words. My guy had finally given me what I had been seeking for so long. He didn’t hate me. He wasn’t mad at me. He just needed some distance to pull his life back together. I slowly let out my breath and let a few other tears escape.

Y’all might think I am crazy, but I don’t care. I wasn’t hoping for nothing. I didn’t believe for nothing. This is progress and I am so so so thankful!! I do not want to be someone who gives up when things get hard or confusing. I want to be patient and understanding and, most importantly, forgiving.

Closure is bittersweet, but welcomed nonetheless.

❀ a girl

Don’t Just Throw Me A Bone

chasing

I don’t know if you read these posts anymore, but if you do, don’t miss this: Stop Screwing With My Head!Β I have made it evidently clear how I feel and I have stayed true through all of this, but what are you doing? Because let me be clear: I am confused.

So you get back and don’t contact me. Fine. No big deal. I figured you were busy trying to get reacclimated to your life. Two days later you message me. It was the most generic word possible, but I was grateful to hear from you. The smiley face made it better. I respond. Nothing. Nothing. Still Nothing.

I call. Nothing. I text. Nothing. I skype. Nothing. I reply. Nothing.

I don’t understand what you want from me. I don’t appreciate being treated like this. If you don’t have an intention to respond (or even read!) my response then please refrain from contacting me in the first place. Don’t misunderstand: I want to talk to you. I have been waiting anxiously for six weeks, but you need to put some effort in as well. You have so many options: Facebook, text message, phone call, tweet, direct message, email, skype………….. I am here. I have been waiting. I have made myself available.

I want to understand where we stand. I want to understand what we are. I want to understand how you feel. I want to understand what you are thinking. But I am running out of explanations and excuses. I want to be here for you. I want you period. But you aren’t making it very easy for me. It feels like you are deliberately ignoring me and in the beginning I was okay with it. I had come to terms with it, but then you go and contact me… why?

I have to stop chasing you. I don’t want to which is why I haven’t been successful thus far. But you need to give me the time of day or make me some kind of priority. Because my head is so foggy, I can’t see think straight. One minute I think you are done with me and then the next you throw me a bone, but then you go back to ignoring me. It has to stop. Tell me what you are thinking or what you want or what you feel… even if you know it isn’t what I want to hear. I would appreciate that more than this.

I miss our monologues. I miss our honesty. I miss our laughter. I miss our smiles. I miss you. But I need some answers.

❀ a girl

Dear You,

Dear You,

Today I felt like a real college kid.

No, not because of the overwhelming feeling of never knowing what I am doing with my life, but because I stayed up till 3 in the morning studying and doing homework with the unpleasant reality of having to wake up at 7 to catch the bus and make it to class.

The past two days have gone something like this: go to class and work, come home and procrastinate, cook pizza rolls and watch an episode of Law and Order: SVU (because why not?), procrastinate a little more, and finally work on my Archaeology which consisted of finishing a lab and memorizing the basic bones of the body.

When I picture where you are and what you are doing, I envision your current situation to be similar to this. No sleep. Waking up at ungodly hours. Working hard (way harder than me of course πŸ˜‰ ). I have somehow survived my one day of this life and I know you will survive all of yours too. Sending all my energy your way!

❀ a girl

Lost and Confused

feelings

This post really has no goal, no underlying truth, no meaning… it is just me trying to sort out the mess I am in. I’m basically just confused and can’t figure what went wrong, what I did, where we stand, or what is going on. Oh these questions that I just can’t seem to answer.

It is a weird feeling when the one person you talked to all day ever day for over two months just becomes too busy to talk to you anymore. At first I got it; he is leaving for the military on Monday and has stuff to do things to get together and people to see, but does that really mean that your fingers can’t send a quick text every few hours? Does that really mean that you can’t spare 5 minutes for a quick phone call? I know I am whiny and slightly irritating, but at least have the decency to say that instead of just cut me off slowly.

Then how you make a HUGE mistake and feel completely AWFUL about it and wish you could fix it and that your apology would be adequate. You beat yourself up about it for the night and the whole next day. When he doesn’t respond to your heartfelt and sincere apology, you figure he hates you and wants nothing to do with you and you deserve it. But then when you finally breakdown and call he is busy with family and says he will talk later and isn’t upset. You are upset and a little confused, but you figure you will talk about it later that night, but then he never calls or texts.

You decide to be persistent, because you don’t want this relationship to end, because you still have feelings for this person. You send a good morning text to remind him that you still exist and a few hours later get a response, but sadly it doesn’t elicit a response from you, so you leave him be. Then it happens– he texts you first!! He tells you a little about his day (yay!), but that’s it. Not a big deal, you reply with a small tidbit about your day and then nothing. So the confusion continues. You decide to call later that night when you figure he will be at home and not busy with anything, but he doesn’t answer. He texts letting you know he is driving. He seems to be driving for what seems like ages, so you text again. He finally replies much later that he went to see a movie in a different city, he is sorry for not communicating very much, and says he will call tomorrow. Now begs the question… will he actually? Why won’t he just call now? Sure, I am overbearing, but I haven’t gotten to talk to the one person I used to talk to on a daily basis in almost a week, so kill me if I miss him!

So here we are- today -no response to either text. I don’t know what this means. I don’t know where we stand. Are we even still friends, much less a thing? I just don’t know how to feel when the one person I used to count on doesn’t even seem to care that I exist or want to know how I am doing. I don’t know what to think about this whole thing? At first, I thought maybe he was just distancing himself to make leaving easier, but he said he wasn’t, so that left me even more confused. I really just want to talk to him even if it is for five freaking minutes, I just want to hear his smile through the phone and know what has been going on with him, because he means so much to me.

Am I awful? Am I overbearing? Am I needy? Sure, I’ll admit I might be all of those things at one time or another, but right now I am mainly just confused and would really like some answers.

❀ a girl

P.S. He still sends me the occasional smiley face, so I don’t think he is done, I just don’t know…

Even Though The Odds Are Against Us…

cute

We made it two months! ❀

Some may think it is silly to be excited about something so small, but this is HUGE to me! We have gone up against distance [1,000 miles or 16 hours] and those who chose not to encourage us, but we didn’t let either of those things stop us and it has been absolutely wonderful!

You continue to make me beam and blush. You never fail to make me smile when I want to frown and laugh when I want to cry. You have no problem channeling your inner hopeless romantic to tell me sappy things or your inner goofball to come up with the cheesiest things! You are full of never ending surprises in every way and I cannot wait to continue finding out new things about you.

I thought for sure I would have scared you off by now, but you have shown you don’t scare easily! πŸ™‚ I thought for sure when you found out my washing machine wasn’t broken after all, when I had my meltdown, because I got rice stuck in my phone’s charging port, or when I was a blubbering mess after making the assumption my best friend had replaced me, but I underestimated you. You managed to cheer me up (thanks for that run down of the Twilight Saga in a minute by the way!) after I told you I wanted to be sad. You didn’t shy away from a distraught me and I cannot express how much I appreciate you not giving up on me!

Hun, you really are one of a kind and I do not know how I got so lucky! I guess I should thank you for taking a leap, because I jumped too and fell… hard! I have found out that differences can be so much fun and that it is important to bounce back. You and me– we blow my mind –and I have realized that we may not always see eye to eye, but that doesn’t mean that we cannot see heart to heart.

The time and space we have before us is just an adventure that is going to make us stronger!Β You mean so much to me and I cannot wait to experience what the future has in store for us. πŸ˜€

❀ a girl